Falling in Loveish

--Robert Langellier

I'm in love. ...with everyone.

In one of the coolest and most doomed phenomena in the social world, people have a general tendency to make up for not knowing a cute acquaintance by building a relationship with them entirely within the boundaries of their imaginations. Not that they invent memories of him/her or conjure a fake backing storyline for a fake relationship; that's an even creepier step I'm not prepared to take. It's more of a projection of possibilities, an ideal dream. I call them crushlets. Crushlets are fueled mostly through sweeping judgments of immediate physical characteristics. It's impossible to take personality into account, because if you already understand their personality, it's too late. You know see them as a real person, and you have to either upgrade the status to either friend, crush, annoyance or enemy. Therefore, you assume personality characteristics through pointing out meaningless physical features. Crushlets are also fueled jointly by boredom, as we usually have little else to be doing when we're staring at the fine lady down the way, and it probably goes something like this:

Reality
--standing in line at lunch--
{Boy sees girl, and steps into line behind girl}
Girl: "Hey."
Boy: "Hello."
{Girl turns back to face line}

How I envision reality when I don't have a girlfriend
--standing in line at lunch--
{Boy and girl lock eyes from opposite sides of the room, sparks ignite. Girl silently pleads for boy to accompany her in the lunch line and eventually in marriage. Boy heroically dodges chair legs and table edges, all while remaining so nonchalant-looking that any girl would bite the head off their own mothers just to touch him. But he won't let them.}
Girl: "I'm pretty in love with you."
Boy: "Yeh."
Girl: "My mid-length brown hair indicates that I'm intelligent and spunky, but its light shade and my cute smile shows that I'm also carefree and easy-going. Also my clothes are sort of cool."
Boy: "You're the perfect girl for me and we should have either a long term relationship or a short fling. I am flexible so either one would be acceptable."
Girl: "Okay."
{Girl and boy walk hand in hand into sunset.}

Rarely have the headlines to either of these scenarios been different. And by rarely I mean never, ever. However, sometimes, if you're lucky enough, you might get to know that person a little better over time. The downside of this is that you've gotten to know them better over time, revealing all of the misconceptions you made those first few times when you wished you knew her better. It turns out she never dreams of running away to the mountains. Or that she doesn't like Band of Horses. Or that her favorite color combination of all time isn't blue and white. Or that she's not attracted to you. And as you've probably already assumed, any one of the above sentences would make any girl grossly undateable.

Nonetheless, a crushlet makes somebody who would normally be a nonfactor in your life into a source of boundless entertainment for a couple minutes while you're sitting with your friends. For example, I went to Mizzou's orientation the other day, and I probably made at least 10 crushlets who I will probably never meet. They mean absolutely nothing since I know nothing will ever happen, but I can pretend they're important while I joke with my new Mizzou friends.

Crushlets are important. Without them we'd have to talk about real things with our friends, like politics or something. Or real relationships. And nobody wants to do that. So if you're an attractive female in your mid to late teens, watch out, because people might be falling in love with you from a distance. Creepy stuff.