Optimism, I Guess.

Heartbreak.
For those of you who have experienced it, I am so sorry.

I spent seventeen years of my life sheltered. Emotionally that is. I had my fair share of family issues, loss of friendships, internal drama, etc, and I thought I had felt a lot. I thought I knew what it was like to hit highs and lows. Then one day, from out of no where, I was plucked out of my shelter by a very unexpected hand. I then began my 14 month journey. This journey included hilltops where I shouted my barbaric yawp at the top of my lungs, deep rivers I thought I wouldn't survive and unexpected ghosts I had to defeat. To quote a Taylor Swift song "I never knew I could feel that much".

Eventually my journey came to end as I encountered obstacles I could not overcome. I left the path and returned home. The hand that was once my salvation was now something I could not even think about without losing it. Those first days were the lowest I've ever been. But hey, it happens. People change. People make bad decisions. People hurt themselves and others. That's how life works. And I moved on. My heart is still in pieces but they're a bit more manageable now.

It soon came time for me to return to school and I welcomed this change of scenery with open arms. It is no bug secret that I did not absolutely love U of I last semester. This is quite a large school and it is often hard to meet people. I also had a terrible roommate. But this semester is going to be different. My roommate left for South Africa so I now have a dorm to myself and can play loud music whenever the hell I want and I have made a firm decision that I am going to be more social this semester. Another big change is the freedom I feel by not being bound to my previous journey.

Last semester I struggled with whether or not I wanted to go abroad as it would take me far away from the person I loved the most. I was in no way looking for any kind of internship this summer since that is the stretch of time that I could see that person the most and I even wondered a bit where I might go after college that would be suitable for both of us. That person is gone and it still hurts to admit that but it has opened a lot of other doors in my life. Yesterday I applied for a job at the Grand Canyon this summer. I probably won't get it but wouldn't that be so fucking cool? I also attended a study abroad first steps meeting because I decided that there was no better time to go abroad than next year. And as for after college, maybe I'll drive across the country and sleep in my car. Who knows?

Sometimes, just when you think you know where your life is going for the first time ever, the rug is pulled out from under you and you're right back where you started. And sometimes that's not the worst thing that can happen. I am being completely honest when I tell you that I think this semester is going to be much better than first semester. I am going into it with an open mind an an open heart. I know this will be hard and I know I will never forget the past but I think my experience has expanded my outlook and my perspective and I feel very optimistic about what is to come.

-Mada