Robert - Why Celebrities Shouldn't Play Sports

Because they don't love what they do as much as I love what they do. In not doing so, they're all pretty eager to betray my dreams and shatter my perceptions of sporty worship. Johnny Damon playing for the Yankees? Yeah right! He and Jason Giambi cutting their hair?? Hahaha!!! Brett Favre playing for the Vikings? GTFO. Question: what do these things all have in common? All of them actually happened.

Everybody knows I'm a Red Sox fan, or maybe that I'm a Packers fan, or that I don't like haircuts. I look to athletes as beacons of excellence, as role models for what I should do with my own life. When John Gruden is fired, I quit my job. When When Tiger Woods sleeps with ten women, I sleep with ten women. When Alex Rodriguez signs for $126 million, I think about what I would do with $126 million. I spent my childhood growing up with pixelated Brett Favres and Johnny Damons. Just when I held them the very closest to my heart, closer than my parents and almost as close as Garden Salsa Sun Chips, they defected to their rival teams for bigger contracts. It's sort of like being in heaven, and then God telling you he's transferring you to hell because it's cheaper for him to house you there.

It's all a money game these days. Nobody cares about what team they're playing for when they can drive a different $100 million car to the stadium every day of the week. Why players don't let my dreams dictate their personal lives is beyond me. Nonetheless, they don't see their roles as bloodthirsty rivals anymore. They see them as jobs. All I can really do is continue trying to fool myself into thinking that there are some rare athletes, like Albert Pujols or Kevin Youkilis or Steve Nash, who actually care about the sports they're playing. Seems to be the only way to back these bastards up.

I'm getting at something here; I'm not just complaining. I want to start a new, hit professional sport based on the purity of competition. That sport is Lollaball. It will be the solution to the corrupt ideals of real sports. A new beginning for sports idol worship. No salaries, no contracts. Just love for the game and dislike for the speedwalking bitches. And no switching teams. Ever.

I want Johnny Damon back.