Putting the "Er" in Hipster

by Brendan Cavanagh

I tell ya, it's tough being a hipster. Just when I thought I was hip because I had a copy of On the Road: The Original Scroll and a pair of Asics' Tigers, my friend starts wearing the same flannel shirt every day, plays Ryan Adams songs on guitar and writes poetry. I've had to seriously up my game this semester, but with limited things at my disposal that would earn me hipster credibility, I feel I'm still, as someone so succinctly put it, a "half-hipster" (it was me). I've decided to put together a veritable grocery list of hip stuff that will make me look half as credible as the senior English major, Emile-Hirsch look-alike with a mustache and a fixed-gear bike. But among required hipster accessories are also necessary toiletries and such:


Items to Include in my Suitcase Next Semester:

1. An umbrella to replace the one I lost just before it consistently rained for two weeks at the end of this semester.
2. A pair of gloves whose stitching leaves more space between its stitches than those made by a senior Christian ladies' sewing club.
3. Osage Rub aftershave, because Gillette just doesn't have that Jolly Rancher-green, face-melting sensation I crave.
4. Flannel shirts that are slim-fitting and not meant to be tucked in by someone of larger girth.
5. Any air freshener (likely that Hibiscus Febreeze one) that will mask the odor that naturally arises after living in a room for eight-and-a-half months with another young man.
6. Lucky Strikes, even if I have to order them over the Internet from Korea, like my Korean pal, Kenny, did. "It's toasted."

Items to Leave at Home:

1. All of my towels except two (hopefully the aqua-green and the sky-blue) because I've found that no matter what simultaneous use is required of my towels, I can always find a way to dry off with one before I do my laundry every two weeks or so.
2. Boombox. With an iPod and a computer (and a potential resurrection of the portable turntable), why would I ever play CDs? Radio? Isn't that a movie?
3. All three of my favorite plaid shorts, because my friend says I should never wear them again. I consequently had her cut up my corduroys and khakis so I could roll them up a bit and wear them as shorts (though not in this lousy, monsoon weather).
4. Inflatable Budweiser chair. I haven't the space in my room, nor the energy to blow it up, nor the desire to sit in it to watch T.V.
5. Red pens/highlighters. I don't know why I'm so adamant about having them every school year since I haven't used them since 5th grade history class.
6. Crumby bike with a super high seat that is entirely impossible to adjust and a perpetually flat front tire. I'm gonna get me a thin, smooth Schwinn. Maybe with a basket.