Tragic Magic

Not that I would complain if I ever happened upon one, but genies totally suck. They are complete douches by nature. Yeah, I'm sure it sucks to spend the majority of eternity cramped in a little lamp. I feel for ya, man. And the whole slavery thing; also not cool. But for the love of all that's good, why the hell do you bitch so much when people finally do let you out of your prison? Be glad that you're out in the world for a change. Why is there all this hurry for me to make my wishes if you hate being in the lamp so much? Perfect example of what I'm talking about: Dragonball Z. The dragon balls are created for the sole purpose of summoning dragons to grant you some wishes, but they act so damn annoyed whenever you summon them. What a couple of assholes you are, Porunga and Shenron.

The other prominent issue I have with genies is their love of the loophole. I caught the end of an episode of X-Files once, so I don't really have all the context, but it's not really relevant. Long story short, one of the main characters of the show somehow came across a genie and was granted three wishes. Being the upstanding guy that he is, the first thing he wished for was "world peace", or something along those lines. The obvious interpretation of this wish is something like an end to all wars and conflict, an Earth where all people live in harmony. We know that. The genie totally knew that. But being the tool that he is, guess what? He made everyone on Earth disappear except the guy who made the wish. CONGRATZ GENIE. YOU GOT US. You fulfilled the requirements of the wish, and now no one is happy. Cool. Now the wisher has to waste his second wish to undo your shenanigans, which he does. As for the third, he decides to type it all out to make sure there are no loopholes, but then decides, "Fuck it. This isn't worth it. Humans should just figure this stuff out on our own." He shouldn't have to do that, man. That's why you're around, genie. Do your damn job.

The only cool genie is Robin Williams. Be more like Robin Williams, other genies. Do cool impersonations and make random stuff appear to amuse me. Don't be so god damn spiteful. I don't like when you play The Game.

-Classic