It Ends

Well the rapture is today guys. I'm writing this at around 5:15 so apparently I have about 45 minutes of my life left. Just kidding. The rapture is for the really good people. Dunno about you guys, but I'm probably still gonna be around come tomorrow. To all you good people who will no longer be with us, I just want you to know that I will continue to sin and commit crimes in your honor. Also if you have a hot spouse that is less virtuous than yourself, consider her mine. I don't know why these guys are in such a hurry to leave Earth. Sure Heaven sounds nice, but I'd like to spend as much time here as possible. I mean, look at all I'd be leaving behind. What would the Earth do if we weren't around to rape it constantly? There would be soooooo many resources and the air would be toxin free. And what about the ozone? I know for a fact that it enjoys having a hole in it. This way its easier for us to fuck it. Plus we have the sworn duty of driving other species extinct. They need to get to Heaven too, right?

But fo realz, what is with all these doomsday predictions? These things have been rampant since Norse mythology and beyond, but here we are! It's easy to throw out an apocalypse theory because one day the world will end. But when the world ends, it's going to be because the sun implodes and leaves our planet in utter darkness, or because we finish burning off the ozone layer, or if a meteor collides with us at a rapid velocity like in that shitty movie Impact. It depends on your definition of "the end of the world". I personally consider "the end of the world" to mean the literal obliteration of Earth, because despite what many people think, the world will go on without us humans. And to address the 2012 believers, you are duuuuumb. Just because the Mayan calendar ends there doesn't mean that is also the end of the world. It ends there because they made a new calendar every x amount of years, but they couldn't make a new one after that because they got wiped out by drought and overhunting of megafauna and stuff.

The world goes on. Deal with it. Don't be too sad when you're still here in a few minutes, all you people who think you're the cream of the crop. Stop preparing to die and start preparing to nurse your bruised egos.

-Classic