Fail

Robert Langellier

There is only one thing worse than a 13-year old, and that is a 19-year old speaking like a 13-year old.

For some reason, there are those out there unable to process the social cue demanding them to stop talking like this. Nobody else does, but will that stop Billy from yelling fail! at the falling longboarder? Never. Billy, of course, will never get those precious laughs he so longs for in his underdeveloped heart, but often this is not enough to quell my rage at the drivel wasted upon my ears. I decide that perhaps things are not as they seem, that perhaps Billy has earned my respect in a way. Perhaps Billy is not, in fact, as pathetically mired in 2004 verbal trends as it appears, but instead perhaps is fearlessly* spearheading* a classic* term which he finds still endearing and funny despite nearly a decade of aging, the entire rest of society be damned. And then I realize that this is precisely what it means to be mired in 2004 verbal trends, and my thirst for punching is immediately reignited.

*Replace asterisked words with the following synonyms: shamelessly, clinging to, outdated

There is no opportunity in any syntax, context, or capitalization that makes beast a cool verb. There is no way to express how much more unattractive girls become upon utterance of the noun fail. I can say, however, that it ranks similarly to septum piercings and having ants spawn out of your belly button.

I despise these lesser peers. They are the absolute dregs of society, rolling with laughter in their own preteen vomit of comedy. The internet has the unstoppable power to lift high some of the coolest words in the English language and then slam them repeatedly into the ground until all that remains is blood and scattered feces. People that use the internet are able to take that blood and feces and continue, unrelentingly, to use them in my scowling presence until I wish there were never such things as cool words to begin with.

Maybe we can reclaim these words, I thought. Like "queer" or "nigga," except with probably less at stake. We can join a collection of terrible words into an absurd pile of ironic comedy, I thought.

It is only as I spend forty-five minutes finding out how to upload all this onto the internet that I realize that, combined, these terms only lend themselves to the potential of becoming three times the annoying. Were I required to choose one demographic to exterminate, any kind of demographic, I would choose people like you, Billy. I hate you. Your unforgivable slaughter of my native language brings into question both theories of human design, from an unsuccessful Darwinism for allowing your birth to a God whose image you apparently and unsettlingly represent.

Seriously, quit saying that. It's bugging me.