Robert - Speed of Light

This post is directed primarily at Nick, Brendan, Eliot, and Brian. I have a vague feeling that Conor and Mada might have already experienced this in some fashion.

I recently was in a hurry, about two weeks ago. My bike displaced at the time, lounging about on the other side of campus somewhere, there was simply no way I was going to make it to that meeting on time. There wasn't the time, there wasn't the speed. I acknowledged my defeat, grabbed my things and briskly walked outside, where I promptly tripped on a concrete step, sending both legs sprawling and flailing into the afternoon midair. Soon, though, almost as quickly as they left the ground, one of them came back down and landed again, forcing energy to shoot down my body, connect with the earth, and spring back up through that leg, in turn forcing that leg back into the air. This process repeated for almost a full minute, each leg ricocheting into the air, one after another, until I finally regained control of my body and stopped to regain my bearing. My haphazard staggering was characterized by a pattern wherein there would sometimes be two legs in midair and sometimes one, but at no points were both legs on the earth. I know what you're thinking, and no, I did not fly off into the atmosphere once my entire body was propelled from the ground. I also was anticipating this, which frankly provided some moments of sheer terror, but indeed gravity seems to work as a force that extends somehow into the ethereal dimension of the airs. I've done a little research on this and uncovered that this phenomenon seems to be known as running.

Running is real goddamn fast. It's a lot faster than walking, I came to notice. I understand it doesn't make any sense, because if both of your legs are off the ground at once, how can you possibly be propelling yourself faster than someone who is using both of their legs at once, but you're going to have to trust me because confusing results are still results.

Over the course of the next few days after my discovery, I skipped most of my classes and quit one of my jobs, dedicating the vast majority of my time to mastering this new trick, which I expect will win plenty of ladies once I'm comfortable enough to display it publicly, assuming that they can still see me as I whisk by them.

I really think I got the hang of it after a while, and I learned a few helpful hints for those who might want to try. For example, I find it much more difficult to use the skill in my apartment than in the outdoors. No matter what logic dictates, attempting to claw at the ground with your arms for increased speed does not speed you up. Again, I refer you to the confusing theory wherein the fewer limbs on the ground, the faster the speed. Finally never run for extended periods of time after consuming a highly significant amount of alcohol unless.

I admit I got a little crazy once I mastered the running. I started with a mile, and then two miles the next day, and then four, and then five (five miles!) and then eight (eight!) and then ten (!!!). I thought that was really cool until my knees notified me that this is not a rate of increase that the human body is capable of sustaining. Their memo which contained debilitating uselessness informed me that I would not be running for a week. Being the good bureaucrat that my body is, my ankle also sprained itself to maximize effectiveness of the message. Thank you, body.

I understand this is likely to stir up some interest. I can't promise that I can cater to every single person's desires, but I am willing to give lessons or at least a demonstrations to those who text me the fastest at 217-494-1823.