Robert - Hot Drinks

You can tell a lot about a man from which kind of hot drink he prefers. Let's review the main three.

Coffee: The man's man will take a cup of strong black coffee, as will the lesser man who sees the man's man taking a cup of strong black coffee. Coffee is the lumberjack of hot drinks, albeit one who has been lately pacified by superchain Starbucks and Splenda. It doesn't take any shit from anyone. It is birthed from the loins of Colombian or Ethiopian coffee beans and injects itself right into your bloodstream, readying you for all the caffeine you could possibly need for your day out in the woods hunting for meat and stuff. Coffee is not to be fucked with.

Never mind the sky blue polo and pink table settings. This man is tough.

Tea: If coffee is the lumberjack of hot drinks, tea is their philosopher and yoga instructor. Tea's main function, as far as I'm aware, is to clear one's sinuses and refresh one's system with all-natural herbs and spices. It is also apparently a soothing drink that massages your throat and vocal cords, bringing your body into a more peaceful, centered state. Mostly it just tastes like hot water, though. One two separate occasions, I've tried my very best to get into tea. I mean, what's not to like about the idea of tea? It's accepted and nonaddictive. But as much as I can pretend I'm an east Asian monk or a British royal elite, I can't get around the plain boringness of tea.

That's great that you support animal rights, but unless you're Passion Fruit flavored, get out of here.

Hot Chocolate: Fuck yeah. Hot chocolate is the prostitute of hot drinks: delicious and exciting. You can't put marshmallows in coffee or tea, can you! Personally, I don't drink coffee or tea; they're icky. I don't need a caffeine rush and I'm centered enough as it is, so I keep my unwavering allegiance with hot chocolate. What'd you say? Hot chocolate is a juvenile drink, and I need to mature into something more fitting for my age? Maybe you didn't see my point about the marshmallows. I don't care how old I am. The day I decide that hot chocolate isn't super fucking delicious is the day I wish to die.

My ideal woman.