An antithesis to Conor's Perfect Day
I wake up at 4:00 am to a bloody nose. In my semiconscious state I imagine this is a runny nose acting up, so my semiconscious hand simply wipes it away from my nose and tries to go back to sleep. This process continues for about two full minutes before I furiously stumble around to find a Kleenex and notice that I've covered my bed in blood. It looks like the horse scene from the Godfather. I change my sheets and go back to bed.
At 6:00, I am having dreams. I have a strange one about having to take care of a tiger and a cheetah in a residential neighborhood. The tiger is nice to pet, but he keeps nibbling at me and I think he really just wants to eat me. Later on I have a dream where I'm trying to see if I remember how to pee. The good news is I can. I change my sheets again.
I wake up a third time, and I'm sick. I have a stuffy nose so bad I have to breathe through my mouth, a runny nose, a phlegm-driven chest cough, a headache, muscle fatigue, and leg cramps. Worst of all, two new extremely confusing symptoms arrive. Through no fault or injury of my own, my shoulder suddenly is in horrible pain the entire day, and each time I cough a searing pain shoots through it for a few moments. The second is uncontrollable burping, all day.
I put clothes on and proceed to happily log on to the Blackboard website to drop Plant Science 2075: Environmental Horticulture. Yeah, right? At the last moment I remember I signed up for that class two months ago because it's a science requirement. Motherfucker. I go to class.
After class, I spend a couple of hours job searching. It is bitterly cold, and the sky is a dreary gray cloud of death, just like yesterday and the 5 days before that. Here are the places I apply: Papa Johns, Pickleman's, Jimmy John's, Gumby's Pizza, Dominoes. Papa Johns and Dominoes are the ones that are hiring. Soon I will likely be spending my nights until 4:30 am running errands for a tall, purse-lipped, rail-shaped 50 year old with a high school freshman moustache. This man doesn't seem to have washed his blue uniform in days. He also looks like he's covered in a thin film of dust, leading me to believe he hasn't really moved much in that time period, either.
I return back home to my apartment. In the apartment adjacent to me my healthy friends are having a party. They tell me I look horrible and that the light makes the bags under my eyes look even bigger. The WiFi I always piggyback is down, and our ethernet cable magically has decided not to work in my laptop anymore, so I cannot access the documents I need to read for class. Good. It is also too late to get food and I have no food in the apartment except Oats and Honey bars and I am too poor to order delivery. Guess I'm not eating tonight. I eat an Oats and Honey bar so I don't die.
It is bedtime now, I guess. I go into my room. It appears that a stranger has sexed on my bed and left the cleanup towels strewn about my things. I sleep in Jimmy's bed tonight.
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