Cold Water

--Robert Langellier

Look up to the ceiling and whisper a quick prayer. It’s coming. I know there’s darkness around the corner. There really is nothing like the terror of realization that pain is about to envelop every fiber of the body.

Right now I don’t think it would be too far out of the way to say that I’m the safest and most comfortable that I’ve ever been. The world around me is soothing, and I feel just fine that I’m at my most vulnerable within it. I can feel everything peacefully cascading over me, forcing my eyes closed, covering me in a womblike shelter of comfort. Everything is well.

That’s when I remember how the only certain thing is change. I’m on top of the world, and there’s only one way things can go from here. I know what the future holds, but I’m afraid to face it. So I hold out. I hold on to the warmth I have for as long as possible. I cling desperately to my comfort until it’s not even comfortable anymore. It’s nothing more than a hideout from the world. I’m happy, but I continuously have the nagging remembrance that I’m living a lie.

Eventually I have to face up to the fact that it can’t be like this forever. I’ve buried myself and built myself a veritable tomb. I can feel my skin wrinkling. I have to reenter the real world at some point. I start creating visions of what the future will be like. In my vision I’m standing, naked and freezing, alone. I’m soaked to the bone, and every wisp of air causes me to shudder. My knees want to bend and break. My skin, at the root of every single hair, bubbles up into goosebumps.

I want nothing more than the world to stay this perfect, but the fear of falling has already tainted it. There’s nothing left to do but to let the cold breeze of change sweep over me. It’s coming. I take a deep breath and hesitate briefly while I soak up my last few seconds of comfort and pleasure. My mind finally resolute, I reach down, turn off the shower and open the curtain.

Nick - A Proposal

Because I'm very introspective in nature, I've been very tuned into the invisible but all-controlling dynamics of social interaction since I've been in Champaign. I like to watch how people respond to various courses of interaction, and examine the subtle difference between a smooth conversation and an awkward one.

When you think about it, freshman year of college is like a laboratory for social experiments: nobody has a preconceived notion of you, so their impressions will be tailored entirely to your actions and mannerisms. And there are an infinite number of potential test subjects. So allow me to discourse on the hypotheses, experiments, and conclusions I've formed thus far.

Eye Contact: Necessary or Weird?
I decided the other day to do an experiment: make eye contact with everybody I could while walking. And I did. And it was weird. My instincts were screaming the whole time; who does that? Who do I think I am to stare at casual passers-by like that? I really just did this because I felt like I need to work on my interpersonal skills, so I decided I'd keep doing it.
Here's the interesting part: I did it again today after my first improv practice, so I was more energetic and excited, and it wasn't weird at all. People generally smiled back at me, and one girl I don't know said hi to me. Pretty sweet. Anyway, we can draw some pretty solid conclusions from this:
1. It's about self-confidence. And I don't mean fake self-confidence like I tried to force upon myself in the first scenario, I mean that you have to be in a state of feeling good and high energy. People can sense it.
2. The smile! Anybody can fake a smile. You have to mean it.

I feel like these conclusions extend into the broader world of social interactions: the trait absolutely necessary for interpersonal interactions is sincerity. A sincere feeling of wanting to talk to other people and a sincere smile and energy.

You may have noticed this is titled "A Proposal." I actually do have a proposal for you, so don't think you're getting off easy: I want all of you to try it. Next time you're in a state of high energy, look strangers in the eye. Start conversations if you're in an environment conductive to that.

Maybe you aren't socially anxious like I am and this doesn't seem like a big deal to you. But if you can see where I'm coming from, I want you to join me in stepping out of your comfort zone.

-Nick.