Gorillas: A Man’s Best Friend

--Robert Langellier

If there’s anything I’ve learned from making friends over the course of my post-pubescent life (I had none before that), it’s that friends suck and are not worth it. They make fun of you and they razzle you and they require you to be around them every once in a while. I need some alone time, damn. I’m not going to the freaking park with you. 

This is why I have Soshi Keesha Malone. He’s a gorilla. No, Joey, you are not my best friend. Soshi is my best friend.

Soshi is half the cuteness of T-Rex (more than you) and twice the personality of any human being. He’s infinitely more obedient, and a lot more furry. He’s softer than any flesh, and he doesn’t poop. He’s also not alive, scientifically. All that means is that I don’t have to feed him and I have the liberty of tying him to the ceiling fan whenever I deem necessary for my entertainment. He is Ultimate Friend, and there is no one like him.

My godmotherandaunt gave him to me when I was a wee little 2-year-old. I bet he was shiny then. As if there was anything wrong with him now. Sixteen years later, he doesn’t have a scratch on him. Except for those emergency stitches that one time when I almost ripped his arm off (I’m still so sorry about that, baby). Anyway, my cousinandgodmother’sson also allegedly received one simultaneously from my godmotherandaunt, because we were born around the same time. I have never seen him. I refuse to accept his existence. There is no one like Soshi. He is Ultimate Friend.

Many do not know about Soshi. Rarely do I speak of him in public. I apologize profusely for this. To Soshi. Maybe I was jealous, and maybe I didn’t want others stealing him from me (see Classic Brian Malone + T-Rex). I don’t know. All I know is that I feel at home in the arms of my little inanimate cuddlemuffin. But don’t take it from me! Take it from other Soshi admirers (who I keep relatively at bay when possible).

“He’s got the perfect volume and texture to snuggle with,” said Mizzou freshman Natalie Cheng.” “He’s not TOO soft where you try to hug him and end up hugging yourself, and he’s not so firm where it’s just not comfortable.”

If I could open his mouth to kiss him, I wouldn’t like girls.

I don’t know if you’ve ever experienced Ultimate Snuggliness, but it’s the coziest feeling in the world. It’s like walking inside on a snowy winter night after making a fresh batch of snow angels and finding a ready-made mug of steaming hot chocolate, topped off by marshmallows, chocolate chips, and whipped cream. Then you go into the living room where your father has just finished stoking a roaring fire in the fireplace. You change into soft sweatpants and that one t-shirt that wraps you purrrfectly, and then you recline on that big lazy boy recliner and your cat jumps up and sits on your lap and purrrs at you. Then your mom walks in and hands you Hobbes to hold while you watch the Packers walk on the Lions on Monday Night Football. That’s what Soshi feels like. (I keep accidentally typing “Soshio.” Also cute.)

“He is such a good spooning partner,” said Cheng. “He doesn’t feel emasculated when I ask him to be the little spoon. He has a little trouble being the big spoon, though.”

Soshi may be small, but he’s nothing if not ruggedly experienced. He’s caused my head to split open as a ball in a game of hallway football, he’s been on many a vacation, and he was notoriously a top fighter in the famous Stuffing Wars of the 3^rd and 4^th grades. He is everything you cannot be to me.

Weird fact: His birth name is his now-middle name, Keesha. Also known as my grandma’s belligerent black frizzy hissing cat. Eventually, though, he was christened a catchier first name, and a last name, becoming the Soshi Keesha Malone he is now. It’s starting to hit me, just as I’m writing, how ridiculously Classic that is. Look at that last name and try not to shudder, ladies. Try.

Every post needs an underlying point, though. All I want is just for you to know how you need to treat me as a person. With stillness, utter compliance, softness, nonstop hugs, indifference to beatings, and willingness to remain in my attic or closet or on my bed in my dorm until I actually need you. I look forward to this next phase in our friendship.

Joe Cool!


Monkeying around!


Oh no!


Hitting the ball


These are like a mix of what Nick did to T-Rex and Conor's love for cats!