Jane Austen - Procrastination

You know who's the worst? Publishers. I mean, shit. I've got like three more days before the deadline and I don't have diddly squat written down. I mean seriously, I can't churn out anymore of these bullshit love stories.

And you know what's worse? I'm so goddamn hungover. Like seriously. Have you ever tried to sit down and write a lovely little novel about pompous brats while hungover? Let me tell you, it's the fucking worst.

Okay, here's what I've got so far: I'll slap some title on it that's all deep sounding and shit. Make it sound real nice. Let's take something that sounds real introspective and stuff. Like arrogance. And pride. "Arrogance and Fucking pride." That just has a lovely fucking ring to it. I'll come back to that later. It can be my working title.

Don't they just look like a lovely couple of dipshits.

I think I'll start this out with a pompous better-than-you prissy little bitch like all of my novels. Oh god, this is the fucking worst. I don't think I can write another line. All of this shit about marriage and being proper-like. I need to give myself an outlet. Let's go ahead and give the bitch a slutty sister. That oughtta make this book more fun. Yeah, there we go. Critics will eat this shit up.

And I can't stand all of this properness bullshit. I think I'll have our little prejudiced bitch end up with some old pervert. This'll liven things up a little. Yeah, that's fucking great. I'm starting to like this story more and more.

Okay, how many pages am I at? Well fuck me. Whatever, this ain't no fucking English class. I'm done. This little masterpiece here doesn't need an ending, I'm just going to stop writing. Let's add a nice couple of sentences about staring longingly into each other's eyes and shit. Yeah, that's real nice. I can just imagine all the little brats reading this thing and deluding themselves about fairy tail love and all that shit.

Well, this is a nice little work I've slaved through. God, listen to me. I'm bitching like this Elizabeth girl now. Well, whatever. I'm done. I'm done with this shithole piece of fiction.

I need to go take a drag.

-Jane Austen

(-Nick.)
(Thanks to Connor Lohse for the suggestion)