My breast implants are hand grenades

Hey folks, it has been a while, hasn't it?

Well over the past couple weeks I've had some time to brainstorm some pretty good ideas for what to write about.

I must've forgotten all of them.

The fact is, I just woke up from a nap that felt damn good as well as damn unproductive. Here at college, every moment I spend not doing things that feel important is a moment that makes me feel like I'm wasting my time. Which is awesome, if you like regretting daily activities and stuff.

Well anyway, I'm not going to do a debate on whether the improv comedy scene in college is more like a competitive sport or a video game. Not yet. In fact, that sentence alone may have been enough to get Allegra to stop reading. But I will include this anecdote about a recent run-in with collegiate improv.

A month or so ago I tried out for the Titanic Players. An improv group important enough to be an intercollegiate group with its own website and multiple troupes that are sub-groups to the whole that is the Titanic Players. They do long-form improv, meaning long scenes focused on character development (my God do they focus on character development) because apparently it's a fool-proof way to be funny. So this was after three auditions turned me down. This was my last audition for the year. I had to do well. And I did. I did do well. I was funny. People laughed when I spoke, which I felt like was a good sign for me. Apparently not, however, as I did not get in to the troupe when they announced who had made it. You know who did make it? Nick Dietrich. Cuz that dude is funny. Also he is good at taking a character and monologuing with said character for an extended period of time.

Anyway, that isn't the point, this is. They encouraged us who didn't make it to e-mail the improv professional who worked auditions and was always willing to give people feedback and see some things we could improve on in the future. I did. I e-mailed him for feedback, anxious to see what I did that led them to scratch me from their list of possible members. Mada didn't e-mail him, because she was frustrated into not caring so much. Or something, I don't REALLY know. Well a couple days later Mada gets an e-mail from the guy. He said she was hilarious and he thinks she should have made it. I don't doubt it one bit, cuz that ho be funny. Dogg. So I didn't, get an e-mail back. Which was cool.

Until three days ago. And do you wanna know what it said? It ranted for three paragraphs that, in picking members for an improv troupe, there are prerequisite things that a troupe like Titanic looks for on a gender and age level. They said that they a decent amount of freshmen and a couple juniors, so sophomores often time get squeezed because they can audition another year. Which sucks, but not for me. I don't get why he told me this. He said there was nothing wrong in particular with my audition, but that I should keep improvising. Also, conveniently for me, he's teaching a six-week class that costs just $100 dollars that should improve my improv skills (okay Carl Weathers). What bullshit. That's it? I waited from September 12 to October 11 for some bullshitty response like that? Cool. I hope your product sells, bud. I told Mada and Nick about it on Facebook and they were also bewildered by the lack of relevance in that e-mail.

Then Mada let me know that she had received the exact same e-mail. Which was weird, because she didn't ask for feedback in the first place, but also had already been e-mailed by the guy.

That is boarshit.

Anyway, that's not even what this muhh fucka about! I gots mo' to say! (what, what!)

I will proceed to rant about five TV shows that I adore (none of which are It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia).

1. Arrested Development

Greatest cast ever assembled for a tv show? My vote says "YEA".

Okay, let's just say if you haven't seen this show then you're missing out on some respect that I could have for your comedic tastes. It is hilarious to an obnoxious degree. The show is funny from every angle, the characters, the quips, the editing, the recurring jokes (my God the recurring jokes), the plot points, and even lands some points for pun humor (solid as a rock!).

This show was cancelled on Fox after three (2.5, really) seasons that were loaded with critical acclaim and stark commentary from the show's followers. There was just one problem, as a week-to-week show, AD doesn't work as well. Simply because you have a week to forget all the hilarious subtleties that you get from watching 6 episodes back to back. The show builds on itself like nothing I've ever seen. It has yet to be paralleled or even approached by another show in terms of its hilarity. If you haven't already, watch this fucking show. It will make you a happier, smarter person. Plus you'll know that I'm joking when I wear cut-off jeans and refuse to take all of my clothes off at any time.

2. Community

This show is for real. It's new, just beginning its second season. It's got a great blend of characters that aren't typical of American TV. It's main protagonist, Jeff Winger (played by Joel McHale, that guy from The Soup who I promise is funny) is a hotshot asshole lawyer who has to go to community college because his law degree that he got at Columbia wasn't legitimate. Apparently he had to get on in America too. Not to mention the great Chevy Chase and hilarious Donald Glover and whoever the hell plays Abed. With a couple nice slampieces (most disrespectful word ever? I think so) and other quirky and original characters, this show has plenty to offer in terms of entertainment value. Watch it on NBC Tuesdays at like 8 or something. You'll laugh your heart off. This show has a lot of potential.

Plus where else can you get this kind of gold?

3. Scrubs

This show. My first love. My first girlfriend. My favorite toy. My best friend. I started watching freshman year of high school (when it got syndicated onto Comedy Central, like everyone else). With two episodes on per day I was able to watch ten episodes in a week. Then WGN and CW got Scrubs syndicated to their networks and I was able to watch four to six episodes of Scrubs every day. That is why I didn't do well in school for a while.

More than bromance, this is guy love.

The characters in this show are great. Quirky and dynamic, at least for a while. This series produced five or so great seasons of hilarious and interesting comedic gold laced with drama and emotional ups and downs that were bearable due to the supplementary amount of comedy. Eventually the show tilted more toward the dramatic and unrealistic, and it spiraled into a parody of itself. Like many shows (Curb Your Enthusiasm, The Office, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia) its characters began developing into their niches instead of in a realistic manner. That's hard to do as a series. I don't really know what examples I could think of other than the first half of this show. Watching Turk and J.D. grow and develop was oh so adorable. That show brings waves upon waves of nostalgia when I see it on TV nowadays because its one of the only shows of which I've seen every episode. Scrubs, I love you, and I'll always be there for you.

4. Dragonball Z

Say what you want about this show. You're probably right. It does spend hours over the course of the series cliffhanging and affirming things that anyone who is over the age of 12 can understand the first (or second, third or hopefully fourth) time around. It does have several episodes where it is hard to point out a substantial thing that happened. Also it's a cartoon for nine-year olds. BUT DON'T TELL ME IT ISN'T BADASS. Watching seasons at a time is great because it's basically a nine hour movie that builds to a climax that is so awesome because of how much was invested into it. I already made a whole post about this show, so I won't go on forever. But, I will re-mention this because it is so true that it's worth mentioning again.

Don't fuck with this kid. He's eleven.

Goku is the purest form of good I have ever seen. As a pure heart, he is flawless. He seriously, in my mind, sets the bar for a perfect soul. He is as happy-go-lucky as can be. He is everyone's friend. He is impossible to hate, unless he stands in-between you and universal domination. He turns down being wished back from the dead in order to keep the planet safe. He has instilled this gene into his son, Gohan who has it to an amplified degree. Gohan is like his dad in his happy-go-lucky nature, he's more studious than I. But he has a ticking point where if you hurt his friends, he fucking snaps. He doesn't just snap, he fucking snaps. As in, if he's getting his ass kicked, suddenly he goes Super Saiyan 2 and starts chopping the heads off of galactically powerful impish (annoying) fuckers. It is especially awesome to watch if you've seen him struggle for the last 35 episodes with the concept of self-belief and doubting whether he can handle the weight of being in-between the bad guys and world destruction. I would go gay for Gohan. And Dee Brown. Let's stop this list here.

5. South Park

This show is fucking hilarious. Matt Stone and Trey Parker are geniuses. I can never appreciate this show enough. On its umpteenth season and still going strong, I am just now starting to grasp how consistently hilarious this show is. It was never a show I got addicted to or anything, but it's a show that, every time I watched it, I'd laugh my ass off. South Park is worthy of watching every episode but, like Scrubs, it isn't worthy of owning. Simply because you don't need to. Anytime I feel like watching South Park, it's on. Comedy Central shows it all the time because of how great it is. Also the CW is now showing episodes, so there's another outlet for you to see it. Not to mention that, like all tv shows, you can find it online if you're smart at all.

Anyway I just had to mention that, since I've been cramped up here in this dorm, I've been watching a lot more South Park, and it's always really funny.

The wackiest of hijinxes

The thing about TV is that it's always a waste of time. I just am happy to say I've found five of the least self-loathement inducing (there's gotta be a better way to word that) methods to watching television. My number one piece of advice: pick your shows, and stick with them. There isn't enough time in a day to watch everything good on television. Leave room for expansion, but by golly not much. And for the love of God don't waste your time watching Jersey Shore. Those shows literally make you dumber.

Anyway I don't have a witty comment or good way to end this post. So I'll just end it like a Skype call. Those always end so underwhelmingly. I don't know why but everytime I hang up a Skype call I fee like so much has been taken from me too quickly. It's so abrupt. I don't feel that way with phone calls or chat messaging. Hm.

--Eliot Sill