WE LOVE THE COMMERICALS COZ THEY ARE GOOD TO US

by Brendan Cavanagh

I don't really like commercials. Other than the fact that they occasionally offer me a welcome bathroom break in the middle of a program. When I'm watching TV I like viewing a full episode or movie to gain a better understanding of the plot or whatever without being harassed by pesky commercials advertising accessories I don't need, much less want. Also, I noticed a couple years ago that most commercials these days try so hard to be funny that they either are hilarious or viable candidates for the most awkwardly unfunny stretch of 30 seconds on TV (why do auto dealers prostitute themselves on TV?). So what I decided to do to enjoy the few minutes of boredom between long stretches of a television program is to pick out the companies that know what they're doing with commercial-writing. Not that this game has anything to do with anything, but at the very least I consider myself able to write a blog about my favorite television commercials.

Buuuuut, I kind of want to limit this post to one specific corporation that consistently wows me with their commercials. And that company is Quiznos. Here is a rather brief, albeit comical chronology of Quiznos commercials I like:

1. Raised By Wolves (2003)

In fifth grade, my buddy and I used to regale ourselves with impressions of the nerdy guy in the first Quiznos commercials I remember seeing. The two of us had formed a solid foundation as friends by memorizing and regurgitating every single line from Rush Hour 2 the year before, if that puts this into better perspective. When I saw this commercial, I just liked it because it was goofy, and I was young and easily amused (unlike the improv troupe). Apparently the strange guy in it is now in The Big Bang Theory (which I had to find out through internet browsing because I watch good shows)

2. Spongemonkeys (2004)

I don't remember if this came out in 2003 or 2004, but for sake of chronology, let's just assume it dropped in '04. This is when I noticed Quiznos was taking a freaky, alternative approach to advertisement. Initially, like everyone else, I thought to myself, "Well, Quiznos is good, but...they're just too weird now." This particular TV spot features what British commercial creator Joel Veitch christened, rather ambiguously, "Spongemonkeys." I don't know where one could locate a Spongemonkey, though I imagine a Quiznos would be nearby. And their diet probably only consists of Quiznos, too, which would contribute to and explain their distorted features and songwriting abilities. As time went on, I soon forgot about the bizarre nature of past Quiznos commercials and move on to appreciate a variety of other quirky and, as is rare, well-written commercials.

3. Put It In Me, Scott (2009)

By 2009, I was an angsty, rebellious, pretentious late teen who wanted edgier commercials with sexually-risque humor, man. Not really. But I was at the age where I could easily identify and understand oft-overlooked sexual innuendo on television. It had been several years since a Quiznos ad stood out to me, so I was pleased when I saw this delightfully toasty commercial featuring Scott, the curious Quiznos employee, and a nympho-maniacal toaster oven. I remember quite a bit of controversy arising over this commercial because it's actually pretty scandalous with its implications that Scott performed some sort of act of fellatio with the oven he probably had gotten to know very well in his months of service at the local Quiznos to make a slight dent in his payments towards eradicating those college loans from a couple years ago.

4. Cats (2010)

If you like super-cute, loquacious kitty cats dressed up as medieval minstrels and wielding brass instruments as they sing about the Quiznos dollar menu (Conor...), then you may still not appreciate this almost psychedelic advertisement. It's so wonderfully bizarre that it makes my Favorite Commercial List (definitely number one for the Quiznos List) and makes me question the lifestyle habits of the people Quiznos hires to make their commercials. Seriously, are their minds addled by repeated hard-drug use? I don't really care, honestly, because their commercials are some of my favorites among the crud that try too hard to be absolutely hilarious.

Ironically, although I purport to be a huge fan of Quiznos, in all actuality I probably haven't had a sub from there since before I saw the "Raised By Wolves" commercial. Clearly all the money they spend on advertising isn't working on people like me, but it does make us laugh once in a while.