Nick - Classic Brian Sends His Regards

While Classic Brian is off fighting crime to assure a better future, I appear before you as a humble emissary. Silence your cries of outrage and disappointment, for I come bearing a message from Classic Brian himself.

Classic assures us that he has a blog post written, but is unfortunately trapped in a realm far from any internet contact. He offers his humble apology, and the promise of a double or triple post next week for all of his myriad fans. So until next week, we await his return.

How can you stay mad at a face like this?

Conor - Happy Birthday, Classic

Classic Brian is many things.

Classic Brian is a blog that is waaaay less funny than I originally intended, but as it turns out, it's really hard to write a funny blog post every week and it's also really hard to do that when you have so much to tell your friends who are suddenly so far away.

Classic Brian is sometimes a bother. That's why I went to bed last night at 3 AM when I got back home and set an alarm for 6:30 AM. Which explains why an alarm went off at 6:30 AM that really pissed me off and forced me into an unpleasant state of consciousness for around 10 seconds. Which explains why I woke up around 7:30 AM and went back to sleep before I could comprehend the feeling of guilt and responsibility that had managed to wake me up. Which explains why I'm up right now, laying in bed at 8:45 right now, red-eyed and ready.

Classic Brian was conceived sloppily backstage at a community theater in Springfield, IL. Days later it would be hastily birthed in the attic of Brian Malone's house by Brian, Eliot and I. Blood was everywhere.

Classic Brian, as it turns out, is an excellent way to stay in touch with your friends. Every week we have to make a statement and we have to present it to the folks back home.c Sometimes it's an update or a status report, sometimes it's a joke or a rant, and sometimes it's whatever the fuck Brian's post was last week.

Classic Brian makes it okay that Robert quit facebook, because hey, I still see him once a week, at the very least. I get to hear what he has to say, whether that be something worth my time, or a vivid description of squirrel rape.

Classic Brian is the metaphorical kid our group of friends is staying together for. It gives us something to bicker and complain about, which is good, because our relationship lost its spark years ago.

Classic Brian is read by a surprising amount of people, which is funny and surprising. We have 338 pageviews from Denmark (whaaaaaaaat?) and 80 from wherever Slovenia is. Now that I know we have such a sizable Slovenian audience, I will start pandering to that demographic.

Anybody else excited for that music festival Tuesday? It's being put on by the Students Club of the Municipality of Koper! Call ++386 5 663 42 20 for details, or visit this new helpful website. 

Classic Brian should be more interactive, somehow. We should encourage discussion and feedback. These new super obnoxious "HAHAHAHA" or ":-[" options underneath every post are a good start. Hopefully that reference will become dated very quickly. Vote ":-D" though.

Classic Brian is a site that could stand to be made prettier. uuhhhhhh yeah someone get on that. We should also take a picture soon. Also I'm just going to go ahead and declare this the beginning of Season 3. We should do half years as seasons, yes, no?

Classic Brian is a great thing, and something I'm thankful for, and it's a year old now. That's amazing. It feels like we've been doing it longer than that.

Happy Birthday, Classic Brian.

I wish I had photoshop skillz. I would've made a picture that like, shows all of the members of Classic Brian each doing a crazy thing and like across the top it would've said in bold print "Happy Birthday!"

That would've been the perfect ending to this post.

Why The Whirlwind Weeps

It is raining hard in his city. He is the first to feel the tears that fall from heaven. He stands on the edge of the tallest building, looking down at the street below. He can see everything and everyone, but no one can see him. Shrouded in shadows, he is hidden from the world. No one knows who he is, not even himself. Never will he be adored or idolized. He is their salvation, but they will never thank him.

As he stands there, deep in thought, he can hear the screams of innocents in distress. But there are so many...how does he choose who to save? How does he weigh the importance of one life against another? To save one life is to condemn another to its end. Torn as he is, he chooses quickly. A life saved, he returns to his lookout. Nothing has changed. The screams he has ceased have already been replaced by several more. He allows himself a moment to despair, and another moment to collect himself. He knows that those moments have cost someone their life, and he falls deeper into despair. But he continues on anyway. Futile as it may be, he is destined to this existence of cyclical life and death.

Those that he has saved fear him. They whisper amongst themselves about him. He is different than them and they do not understand him. They call him a freak and they hate him for being better than them. They brand him an outlaw, a vigilante that must be brought to justice. They question his intentions and think he seeks fame, because no one man is capable of such selflessness. But they are wrong.

He hears their whisperings, and he resents them for it. But he continues to save them. He stands there, shrouded in shadows. It is hard to make out, but if anyone cared to look, they could see his tears as they mingled with those from above. But he must hide his emotions, lest they call him weak. He fights for the day that he will gain these people's love, but it is still so far away.

Next time he saves you, be grateful. Embrace him with open arms and do your best to repay him, even though you will never be able to. Do not shun him. At the very least, allow him his weaknesses. He is better than you, yet you criticize him for his every flaw.

Let him weep.

-Classic

Hilarity

How do we define what is funny and what is not funny? Everybody seems to have a different gauge on it. There are some really successful comedians that I absolutely hate and have never laughed at (Dane Cook), but obviously, since he's so popular, apparently a lot of people disagree with me. Just like I cannot understand how those people think he's funny, those people probably wonder the same thing about me. Back in Springfield, the group of friend's that make up this post, minus Brendan and I, were considered kings (and queen) of hilarity. They formed, in my opinion, a pretty damn good improv troupe. Now don't worry, Allegra. I'm not making this post about improv, or sports, video games, or college for that matter. I'm just simply using improv as an example of what I mean when I say people have different gauges of funny. Like I said, back in Springfield, those guys were masters of improv. But now, only Nick (bastard) is doing improv, as far as I know. So, apparently people here have a different view on the comic talent of my friends. And honestly, aside from Titanic Players, I don't think that the improv troupes here are funny. Right back atcha, bitches.

I think that I'm generally a pretty funny guy, and that's something I pride myself on. My type of humor is relatively cruel, but at the same time rarely offends people. As for when it does, I apologize. I promise I don't mean it. And if I do say something cruel and mean it, it's probably not a joke and I probably don't like you. I also like to be committed to jokes, and that seems to be a recurring theme in our group as well. I myself think that that is the key to making the funniest jokes. It gives a firm, funny base to build from and make more branching, hilarious jokes. Example: me being dubbed "Classic Brian". To my knowledge, nothing negative has come from it. It was intended by Conor and Eliot to be offensive, and I think that they were a little shocked when I embraced it. But here I am, and it always makes my day whenever someone calls me classic, especially when they don't know about the joke or don't know me very well.

I also realize that there are many other forms of "comedy" out there. Since I know for a fact that Robert loves blog posts in which he receives compliments, here's a shout out to him. Robert has mastered a type of funny to which I can't really put a name. He's come up with the comedy gold idea that he'll change his personality with the seasons and see how thrown off people will get. Autumn Robert was bro Robert, and I personal found it to be chill as fuck. Good work, bro. Can't wait to see next season's emergence. He's also deadlocked in a spite war with Eliot for all eternity. Keep it up, fellas. Then there are those really over-the-top, loud and obnoxious people who think that making obvious jokes is a good idea. It's not. Stop it. Stop it now. There's a reason everyone else in the room didn't make the joke. It's not because you're infinitely more clever and arrived at the joke first. It's because it's a stupid joke that's been beaten to death by other stupid people like yourself (This is me not joking and intentionally being cruel). One person in particular comes to mind right off the bat, and I really can't stand to be around him. I physically fled his presence, which is something I've never done to another human being before. There's also skit comedy, which I tried out for, but I realize that I'm not really a fan. Granted, you meet and you write the script and make it a funny situation, but from there it's just an acting contest. I think true humor is being able to make stuff up on the spot, go with it, build from it, and be able to reference back to it later.

These are just my humble opinions. Obviously there are infinitely more forms of humor than the like 3 I mentioned, but those are the first ones that came to me. You're entitled to disagree, and I'm entitled to respond, "FUCK YOU." Jokingly, of course.

P.S. - Puns. Are. Not. Funny. Sorry, baby.

Highlight Reel

The montage is one of the greatest things ever created by mankind. To put it simply, it's just a whole bunch of awesome put into a sequence of some sort, cutting out all the boarshit (this word is stupid and I'm including it out of spite...to myself?). Montages can be used in an assortment of ways, from reminiscing about all of the awesome and epic fights that I, Gohan, have witnessed and been a part of, to a poster board full of pictures of me being awesome in various ways (Robert had the least people come to that party for him. Fuck you, Griffin. You do not count). But anyway, this post isn't about what a montage is. It is, in itself, a montage of shit that has crossed my mind this past week or so that I have deemed blog-worthy. Sorry if it isn't very cohesive and doesn't make a lot of sense.

Perhaps it's just me, but when I hear certain songs, I wish I had an incredible singing voice or sick-as-hell guitar skills. I always picture myself performing the song and having everyone be in love with me for it. On that note, I shall make a list of artists who have said effect on me, somewhat in order. Also included is my favorite quote from that particular artist and the song from which it originates.

1. Harry McVeigh (White Lies, leading vocals/guitar) - I don't know how many people really listen to White Lies, but I can't stop. His voice enthralls me, and their deep and somewhat twisted lyrics really fascinate me.
"You whispered, 'Where are you?'. I questioned your doubt, but soon realized you were talking to God, now." (Unfinished Business)
2. Jack White (The White Stripes, The Raconteurs, The Dead Weather, lead vocals/guitar) - What a mother fucking badass. I don't know about any of you, but I think he's the best in The Dead Weather. I love that band. Mr. White has a one-of-a-kind voice that any fan could easily distinguish from a mile away.
"If I left, you'd never see me again. I wouldn't leave a trace." (Blue Blood Blues)

3. Ben Gibbard (Death Cab for Cutie, The Postal Service, lead vocals/guitar) - OMGz I love you. I can't name any song that has been created by either of these bands that I don't like. The whole spectrum is covered, from inspirational/touching to pump up/rock out. Also, I'd have to say The Postal Service is the best side project band ever. Good work on marrying Zooey Deschanel by the way, Ben.

"If Heaven and Hell decide that they both are satisfied, illuminate the No's on their vacancy signs." (I Will Follow You Into The Dark)
4. Thomas Mars (Phoenix, lead vocals) - Before Lollapalooza, I had never actually seen what the band members look like. So when Mr. Mars walked up to the mike, the first thought that ran through my mind was, "You're kidding, right? This guy is a rockstar?" No offense to him, but he looks so timid and dorky to me. However, he blew me away with his performance, and to this day Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix remains one of my favorite and most listened to albums, ever.

"From the mess to the masses." (Lisztomania).

5. John Gourley (Portugal. The Man, lead vocals/guitar) - This guy's range is insane. I thought he was a girl the first time I was introduced to this band (Thanks, Cory). That isn't even meant as an insult. That's just saying he hits those high notes like a mofo. I was fortunate enough to have the chance to meet him and the rest of the band when they played on campus. Just one more reason I love college.

"If you work all day, you keep the rhythm through the night. If you work all night, you keep the rhythm through the day." (Work All Day)

6. Isaac Brock (Modest Mouse, vocalist/guitar) - If you ever find someone that sounds remotely like him, lemme know. His voice demands my attention and respect. And even when he isn't singing, this is one of those bands that establish their identity to me as soon as the song starts, even if I haven't heard that particular song in months.

"Oh, the dashboard melted, but we still have the radio." (Dashboard)

"You missed where time and life shook hands and said 'goodbye'." (Ocean Breathes Salty)

7. Ben Bridwell (Band of Horses, vocalist/guitar) - Some people may think that Band of Horses is just another rock band and that they're no big deal. Wrong. Fuck you. I can't quite put my finger on exactly what it is that make them so special to me. All I know is that their music touches me, and I've literally shed tears while listening to The Funeral.

"I'm coming up only to hold you under. I'm coming up only to show you wrong." (The Funeral)

8. (Led Zeppelin) - I really can't single out any one person or component that makes this band what it is - fucking legendary. Jimmy Page rocking out on guitar, Robert Plant mind-fucking you with his delicious voice, John Paul Jones making your bones vibrate with his bass skillz, and John Bonham smashing into your eardrums on drums makes for possibly the best. band. ever. Led doesn't deserve a place this far down on my list, but I just don't really know where to put them. I guarantee that every band I listed above was heavily influenced in some way by LZ.

Uncharted 2 on crushing mode is hard as balls. Fuck that bastard on the train who can just absorb bullets but somehow can't withstand Drake's punches. What an asshole. Also, I'm inexplicably bad at controlling Drake's rolling. It's constituted about 75% of my deaths.

On that note, I'd like to point out something I've noticed about myself. I'm ridiculously competitive. I may not seem like it initially, but I discretely try to position myself to be the best at just about everything I undertake. And if I don't think I have a shot at being the best, I don't do it. This clearly has it's flaws and advantages. I probably miss out on tons of shit that I'd really enjoy, but on the other hand it makes me look like less of a failure in those certain categories. The one main exception to this rule is class, the universe's cruel rape of my soul. I love the college atmosphere, but to be honest, if the current world didn't basically demand a college degree to get a halfway decent job, I probably wouldn't be here. This has instilled in me a laziness and lack of motivation in the academic field that may soon be my downfall. I've fallen into that mindset of just getting grades that are good enough to get by on, which I swore to myself I wouldn't do after 4 years of doing just that in high school. Dammit, Brian. CLASSIC.

I beat the pokemon quiz. 3 times. Fuck yeah.

I can't sleep before 3 in the morning anymore, and it seems to be getting worse each passing day. This only compounds my academic problems...

My feelings of being pathetic, lonely, and hollow these days could give Conor a run for his money, and I still got more game than Ricky Stone.

It sucks that in today's economy I have to make a choice between studying something I love and enjoy and something that has a potential job market and makes money. When being told about this dilemma I have, my family proved to be very vapid and shallow, demanding that I remain in the engineering program because media is a dried up, fruitless field. However, I tend to forgive them given their current financial plight. They just want better for me. I want better for me as well, which is why I chose this field in the first place, but I realize that I really fucking hate math. Do I tough it out and become rich and famous, or do I give it all up for my passion in media? What a fucking terrible choice that is to make. The one bright side of this is that for the first time in years, I had a real conversation with my dad in which I didn't get inexplicably irritated at him. Granted, it was depressing, because he basically told me that he didn't want me to be like him and end up with a dead end job and a degree not applicable to his life. But I was really happy that I could finally talk to him again. We used to be best friends when I was a kid, but somewhere along the line I lost my ability to talk to him at all. He's a great dad, and although sometimes he has a short fuse, he's the most caring and affectionate father you can get. He does everything for his family, and I have a lot of respect for him for all the shit he puts up with. He doesn't deserve me being an asshole to him for no reason. He's always trying to just talk to me and be part of my life because he wants to be there for me, and I just yell at him and tell him to leave me alone. I feel like I'm finally moving past that back to where we used to be now that I've put some distance between us with me being at college and no longer under my parents' thumb. I need that a lot.

Sorry shit got so heavy right there. I know most people aren't really aware, but I've had a lot of emotional issues that I don't always handle well. I feel like maybe sometimes I'm a bit dramatic (now, perhaps), but it's just how I feel. Thanks to those people who have always been there for me. You know who you are.

Classic out.