An Apology

 Something to tide you over: An iconic scene featuring Omar Litte of HBO's The Wire

by Brendan Cavanagh

Dear devoted Thursay Classic Brian readers,

I sincerely apologize for my absence of a regular Thursday (sober) post, but I'll be honest, I'm addicted to a new, more potent drug. That is, I simply cannot get off the couch and draw myself away from well-written, engrossing, serialized television programs. Seriously, it's like visually consuming a great, long Dickens novel or something of the sort. I guess I should still get some recreational reading done more often, though. A list of opiate-dream programs I've viewed over Christmas Break:

Television:

Rescue Me
The Sopranos
The Wire
Downton Abbey

Movies:

I'm Still Here (yeah, that obscene Joaquin Phoenix mockumentary)
The Big Sleep
The African Queen

Well, it may not seem like that long of a list to be considered an excuse for not leaving the house some nights, but the aforementioned titles are only the memorable, important programs I watched. What can I say? I like that I'm getting back into my old habit of watching excellent movies/television, even if I am voraciously watching it a little more than I should. I feel like I'm just going through a growth spurt of matriculation, or catching-up, if you will.

Tune in tomorrow, when I have more time to elaborate on this blog post.

How to Have a Happy Holidays

The holidays are a special time of year, which I consider currently over despite today being the 11th day of Christmas and almost close enough to January 1st to still wish store clerks a happy new year on your way out. Almost.

The holidays are also a trying time of year when life actually becomes a family-first operation and you are exposed to a near-lethal dosage of non-nuclear family members. This can wear on any good countenance rather quickly, and soon you're prone to throwing Aunt Leslie's card (which has no money in it AGAIN this year) back in her face and spitting on your nephew Ethan who won't shut the hell up and stop crying that he didn't get an iPad. He's seven. That's ridiculous.

But, believe it or not, there is a way to make your winter downtime something wonderful, and I've got some simple tips to help you keep your sanity, and hey, actually maybe enjoy yourself next time around. Of course this would have been a heck of a lot more helpful about three weeks ago, but you have to live it in order to learn it sometimes, and better late than never (two cliches in one excuse, it's like killing two birds with one stone!) (not really, but the math is there).

1 — Have yourself no kids. No kids at all.

Kids suck. The life out of the holidays. Instead of being selfish and whatnot, you're forced to deal with being a provider, which is fine normally, but around this time of year that means being fucking Santa Clause. Or, Jewish light-gift guy. If you're going to have a good, stress-free holidays, that means you have to be on more people's lists than you have on yours. Kids are really poor, typically, and what money they do have, you often give them. Sometimes kids are too young to be able to purchase things or have thoughts. Despite these disabilities, they demand heaps and heaps of shiny, spiffily wrapped presents.

Next time when you're at the abortion clinic, consider this: your holidays will never be as good if you don't do it. Just do it. It's okay. Happy holidays.

2 — Be single.

The last thing you want a girlfriend or boyfriend seeing is how crazy your family actually is. And all those needless minglefests that come with a family holiday dinner are seriously less than worth your time. Unless you're married, you should abstain from bringing a girl or boyfriend around the family in time for the holidays. Because in order to properly unwind, you have to be able to be as weird and dysfunctional as the rest of your family is. Such things look bad to the significant other.

Also, that runs up your Christmas budget significantly. All the while, you're certain that the gift you give them is way better than whatever they're planning on getting you (they are too, that's just how that works) and also you run the risk of your family trying to purchase couples gifts which should be saved for a wedding and then promptly returned upon being recognized as crappy.

3 — Destroy your bank account.

Not literally. In fact, to literally destroy it would be the opposite of a good idea (in other words, a bad idea). Instead, remove the inhibitions you have from ravaging your savings fund and expunging all aggregated income on slight delicacies and purchases you would otherwise find to be extremely wasteful and stupid. This will help you to feel opulent, even though you're obviously not.

The more money you have, the better of an idea this becomes. See, the fact that you had money at one point leads me to personally believe that you have a decent chance of gaining back some of your thrown-away money once the holidays are over. Also, your self and group purchases will be all the more costly and ostentatious. Instead of three-ply toilet paper, your holiday gift will be something like a car or a jet ski. Something that lasts. Or, steak.

4 — Make sure your parents are divorced.

This is very important. Two Christmases! As an extremely preferred alternative, you could have one Jewish parent and one Christian parent, so you're getting your gifts at once and one at a time. It's a similar effect, but it does lack the parental competition and general sadness of having divorced parents. There's a give and take to it.

This way, you'll have two parents making you their best dinners (Christmas Eve and Christmas), competing to give you better gifts, and generally working to outdo the other. Plus, it's a great excuse if you don't like one of the gifts you've been given (mom already gave me this!). Remember kids, just 'cause it's your fault they split up, it doesn't mean they don't owe you the world for doing so.

5 — Get the green light to drink from your parents. And go, damn it, go.

Remember, this experience is "new" for you, so there's a lot of things you want to "try." If they take exception to your desire to imbibe, you have an arsenal of excuses to unload before you give in:

— It's legal in Europe
— It was legal when they were younger (in some states)
— You just want to try some (this is a lie)
— Have another drink, mom
— What is age, really? I mean, I feel like I'm fairly mature. Do you feel I'm not mature enough?
— You let [older sibling] do it when he/she was my age (they didn't, but they don't remember)
— We're all going to die at some point, what does it fucking matter?
— Mom lets me do it when I'm at her house

If none of these work, sneak that shit. And make sure your parents are drinking too so they won't notice. How you drink is also important. I've found the ideal way to Christmas drink is to stay buzzed throughout the entire Christmas process. Start on Christmas Eve, then Christmas morning make sure to get your buzz back. It will be easier if you don't brush your teeth and still have last night's alcohol on your breath. Optionally, you can finish by overdoing it, with a grand-Christmas-finale.

Or you can just be wasted the whole time, depending on how bad mom and dad's break-up was.

6 — Root for sports teams that play on Christmas, and ones that win at that.

The Bulls and Packers had lovely Christmas victories this year. (Pats self on back)

7 — Don't get sick.

It's a sign of weakness. Wait till after the holidays to turn into a mucus-puffed slug.

8 —Don't forget New Year's!

You can take a few choice days off at the end of December, but you have to be ready to go again on New Year's Eve. Even if this requires significant napping the day of, you have to keep in mind that New Year's is a late night and not to freak out because someone's drinking Cider on your bed at 7:45.

Don't blow midnight. Be there and be awake and be ready. Obviously New Year's is very unimportant, but you can make it feel kind of significant if you work at it. Also, New Year's Day is a great time to enjoy another sports victory, especially one that clinches your favorite team's first ever 15-1 season. Hell to the yeah, Packers.

9 — Don't forget the reason for the holidays.

While you're sipping the bubbly in your ugly sweater and rolling your eyes at another one of your dad's slurred jokes, don't forget why humans do this. Yes, there's the Christianity aspect. The Jesus-was-born-so-I-get-presents phenomenon. But I mean, people keep telling me that Jesus was born by a virgin, which is crazy. In fact, Mary might be full of shit. Then again, they say she was full of the son of God, so let's not call her a bullshitter just yet. They say Jesus didn't cry when he was born. What a composed mother fucker. And just like that, give or take thirty years, this proclaimed son of God said we could do whatever we want, so long as we recognize God's existence/greatness and that he gave his son for the people of the world. Why would God make that deal? I'll take that deal. Thanks, God.

So what we want to do is have the holidays. To have a time in winter where we indulge ourselves and turn the darkest time of the year into the "most wonderful." We did that. If everything sucks, fuck it, ignore it. Life is greater than every other thing that we know of. So don't take it for granted. And in the worst of times, remember: the fact that we have any times at all is better than not existing. So quit your whining, and enjoy your egg nog, even if you need a little whiskey with it to do so.

--Eliot Sill

Why it's important to read this blog

Here are reasons:

1. It's a good source of reading materials.
2. It's fun for us to think that people are reading this blog.
3. It's a totally competent and unrivaled source of news about our lives.
4. We are: Robert, Nick, Mada, Eliot, Brendan, Conor and Brian. Those are good names.
5. "Classic" is something you associate with good things, much like a great basketball game, original flavored things that are better than flavored versions of that same thing, or an action that a friend does that fits to a comfortable and sometimes humorous degree with their past actions and current ideologies. Also something of pop-culture that is out-of-date but is still good enough to go back to and experience, because it has not lost its enjoyment with the passage of time.
6. "Brian" is a name of fair simplicity and commonality. It might be your name! It represents the common man with boring accuracy, and is something we can all relate to. We can all imagine what life would be like if we were a person named "Brian." We do this with more ease than we would imagine what life would be like if we were named "Bludneious" or something of a similar nature.
7. The person who this blog was named after is endearing, despite his biting sarcasm and witty insults. You may see yourself dating or being friends with this person. He is also in shape.
8. To not read this blog is to cast it out as unoriginal and uninteresting. In doing this, you imply that the seven writers of Classic Brian are unoriginal, in itself an abhorring accusation, and uninteresting, which is not true in the general public's opinion.
9. We have or have had jobs. Really!
10. The writers of Classic Brian have experienced a wide array of experiences, such as: growing up in a moderately sized city in a state that possesses both bigger and smaller cities, playing sports as children, thinking about their own mortality, making up a fun game.
11. A young person's perspective is easier to get behind than an old person's. We all consider ourselves young people. You can get behind us.
12. Writer's block is bound to happen to the writers of Classic Brian. It's interesting to see what we produce on those days.
13. Sometimes, videos and/or pictures are included in posts.
14. Not all people close in age to the writers of Classic Brian write for blogs. Of the ones that do, ours is the one you should be reading.
15, We won't be mad at you if you read the blog.
16. We are constantly trying to think of interesting points to make.
17.

We are not radicals. We are not entirely innocent. We are not entirely corrupt. We are the fading hope that in the zenith of our lives we can figure out something substantial, deconstruct and understand it, and possess in ourselves the knowledge of how to live life without the cost of having lived it. We are the attempt for perfection.

18. Generally speaking, we all have a relative appreciation of the arts.
19. We're all currently enrolled in major universities.
20. Sometimes, we have guest-writers post on the blog, which provides an interesting alternative perspective on a particular issue or subject.
21. Reading this blog is not "counterproductive," it is better described as "hip."
22. Like all things you experience that will die before you do, you will miss us when we're gone.
23. We will miss us when we're gone, too -- that is to say, we have compassion for ourselves.
24. Each post individually is not a narrative, but every post, over the course of a period of time, is a narrative.
25. With the growing popularity of the internet, we are a good way to spend time.
26. You will be dying and think, probably, "I wonder what was in the rest of those Classic Brian posts" and realize: you'll never fucking know.
27. How long does it take to read a blog post? How much does it cost to do so? Compare these results with that of getting pulled over for speeding.
28. What if one of us writes a post about something you're interested in. Wouldn't that be a fun read?
29. We're not perfect, as writers. We could get better. You could help.
30. We'll read all your comments and take them too seriously.
31. If once a day you have someone do a favor for you, you will likely have time to read the day's post as they are doing that favor for you.
32. There's the slight, slight chance that one of us becomes well-known, and in this scenario you could say "I read that guy's (or Mada's) early stuff when he (or Mada) was just starting a blog with his (or Mada's) friends." People will hopefully be impressed.
33. Whenever the weather's bad, and you're inside because whatever you would be doing outside is an inconvenience because of the weather being bad, you will feel better if you spend that time reading a Classic Brian post you would otherwise not have read.
34. We will not be outdated. If a revolution occurs, we will not write from a pre-revolution perspective.
35. If a writer on Classic Brian quits or dies, the best item on your resume for being that lucky replacement writer would be to say "I have read all your guys's posts."
36. Eventually, this could turn into a website that competes with other websites. In such a case, we'd want you on OUR side.
37. If you are doing something on the computer, and partake in a distraction that won't leave you feeling like you've completely wasted your time, we're your man.
38. There are things along the side of the blog, such as the "Who we are:" section and the "A list: of" section that are enjoyable and made up by members of Classic Brian.
39. We could really use your support.
40. Classic Brian is a diary. And diaries should be read. You don't even have to tell us you read it.

Good job, you read all those! Here's a treat: two pictures of bears. They have similarities and differences.

 
An aside: it's Thanksgiving break and I don't have a working cell phone until Sunday when I get back to college. I'm okay with this. People who won't see me because of this slight inconvenience, consider our friendships Darwinized. I'm excited to see my brothers and parents. I'm hopeful to get rest and be ready for these last two weeks of the semester.

It's unfortunate that it's about to get so darn wintery. It's as if it were slightly chilly outside and yet you, hot from overexerting yourself in an activity, decide to jump into an unheated pool. Hold your breath, because when you hit the water, it's going to be cold and it's going to stay cold for a long while.

I wish I had written more in my last post, "S[t]imulation." There were things I left out. To think, not only will I not finish everything I want to, I won't even finish thinking of everything I want to finish! What a problem we have today.

--Eliot Sill

S[t]imulation

I just peeked into my floormates playing Skyrim. Holy shit.

This brings me to my next point: I will die without having digested every delectable bit of media out there I would so love to consume.

I've always loved video games. I am, after all, a boy who grew up in the 2000s. There are so many massive and finely crafted video games that would entrench my consciousness for dozens of hours, if I played them all, I would have no time for anything else in my life. I've bought 3 video games this year, 2 of which have bogged me down significantly in the weeks in which I devoted myself to them. I can't simply play games at a tepid pace, they must be beaten fast and furiously, with urgency and prioritization of the fate of whatever fictional world I'm exploring over that of my own well being. Seeing, only for a moment, a friend of mine, playing Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, I saw what could be sixty fewer dollars and a couple hundred fewer hours of my life. I could, but I won't. I'll restrain, and I'll miss out on a beautifully made fantasy world that was designed for the sole purpose of me to enjoy exploring it. Additionally, I could do this at no risk at all to my actual self, aside from gaining a few pounds maybe.

My senior year, I fell in love with music. I have specific groups or artists whom I do not miss. On the flip side of this, I have artists who, while I acknowledge I'd probably like them, I skip out on to keep my circle tidy. I don't have time on this earth to listen to every last song. This fact saddens me, because each song could be the one that provides a new feeling of comfort or enjoyment. And I let most of it slip through the broad cracks.

I also just finished The Wire. I cannot deny now that I have spent at least 88.5 hours in the past four months watching that show. It's checked off the top of the list. Now comes the rest of the list of television productions I want to thoroughly explore.

I read a book once, I'd like to take the time to do it again, if I could ever find it. Reading gave me a feeling of accomplishment and positivity that the other media don't provide. It also made me yawn and fall asleep early.

People spend lots of time on smartphones, if they've got them. People frequent games such as Angry Birds, Words With Friends, Four Square, and countless other network creations. I am panicking here. I cannot imagine allowing myself to indulge in such time consuming stimulative yet entirely meaningless side forays. I spend enough of my time jerking off Twitter and Facebook to tire me out for the day.

Class! Have you guys seen this shit? Unrealistic reading assignments, for one class per week, let alone four (or five or six). I'm taking a class in which they literally expect me to be able to recall and analyze moderate-to-major events of a 2500-year period. I have another class in which I consistently get 5-out-of-10s on my current events quizzes. And I work 15 hours a week. Yet they somehow expect me to write a novel in papers over the course of a semester. And yet I somehow expect myself to oblige.

Shit, I can't remember the last time I saw a movie in theaters. It was, maybe, X-men First Class? Which I saw twice. Over summer. When I had nothing to do. I see all these movies coming out to up and down ratings, all the work that actors and actresses I gravitate toward being thrown into a pile known as movie to-do lists. And yet all I really wanna do is watch Black Dynamite again.

I enjoy people. I like being around them, interacting with them, and getting satisfaction from improving their mood. I like the feeling of tipsiness that comes over me when I've had a few alcoholic drinks. I like the word "score" in the context of obtaining something, whether used by patrons old or young. I miss the shenanigans and endeavors of the middle-school child. I miss being in the middle of responsibility and risk-free adventurousness. I miss climbing. I miss falling. I miss not realizing the danger of environment. I want to seek out such feelings of liberation with people I enjoy the company of.

All this and I'm supposed to remember to pray before bed.

Sleep is such a comforting feeling. It is more so now than it was then. It used to mean the end of getting to do stuff. Now it means the end of having to do stuff. Such is the difference in leading a life rife with responsibility. The freshman fifteen missed me last year, this year it's gone straight to my eyes. I yearn for respite and am greeted each morning with a feeling of overwhelming. I am fighting a war against my bucket list, and I am losing as it grows to disheartening lengths.

Balancing out the necessary with the enjoyable is what makes adults adults. That responsibility, that resistance to doing nothing but work and Six Flags for the rest of your life, that's awfully hard to accept. In college, I feel (I hope) this sensation is magnified. It's all being shined on for the purposes of conditioning us, so that when we get out of here, we find ourselves with a nickel of time at the end of the day to sit back sip our own Kool-Aid. We learned how to get our work done quick, and now we have time to breathe each day. Or maybe not. Maybe this stimulus overload is something of a superhighway from this world to the next.

And to think, we have the balls to want to create.

--Eliot Sill

Nick - Five Things I Did While Quarantined In My Room

So this weekend, because I have mono, I did not go anywhere. I didn't go to parties, I didn't go to PK Barnjam practice, and I certainly didn't go to CU Improv Fest.

But I did do some interesting thing. Here are five of them.

Start a Blur cover band

I figured, hey, I can't go anywhere, so I'll just bring the party to me. So I started a cover band. It was me on drums, I played lead guitar, and I filled in for the vocals most of the time. Unfortunately, our lead guitarist was terrible. We could never find a bassist. The singer never learned the words to any Blur songs. And when our drummer developed an opium addiction, everything just went downhill.

Fantasy Football

I found this by Googling "how do I football"

Yeah, I know, I'm no good with football most of the time, but I figured I might as well learn. So I started a fantasy football team. I'd call this a success. My team scored a lot of touchdowns. Our defense was really good. Our offense kicked the ball a lot of times. My linebackers drew way more lines than any of the other teams in the league.

Learn the language of clocks

I found this by Googling "clocks talk"

You probably hear it all the time. That constant, ever-present ticking. Whether it be the wristwatch of the guy next to you or the clock in the back of the room ticking so faintly that you've tuned it out. Well, I'm here to tell you that it's way more than just a noise they make. Clocks are expressive creatures. And if you're willing to put in the time to listen and understand them, clocks will open up to you. In fact, if there's one thing I realized this weekend, it's that I no longer have any use for human friends.

Reach enlightenment

Little known fact: when you reach enlightenment, your chakras glow.

One day, I was just sitting here thinking, and then I realized the nature of all things. It's pretty zen. I would explain it to you, but you probably wouldn't understand.

Begun my new life as ruler of this room

I found this by Googling "I am their ruler"

After reaching enlightenment, I suddenly felt empathy toward all living creatures. I realized, these poor creatures have no structure to their lives. They live in anarchy. Who better than me to give them government? I dumped out my large canister of oatmeal, and proceeded to name each and every grain. Then I assembled my new subjects, and gathered all the objects on my desk for a conference. After an extensive election process, Nick's Room now has a fully functional democracy. Nick's Running Shoes were elected president, with That Funny Metal Coily Piece On The Back Of The Refrigerator as his vice president. Parliament consists of two parties; the National Democratic Labor Party, run by The Halloween Card My Aunt Theresa Sent Me, and the Progressive Party, headed by a very special piece of oatmeal named Klobb. I'm happy to report that this new system is so far stable and functional.

What did you do over your weekend?

-Nick.

50 ... things

Your problems, from me:


1. Sunflower seeds

2. The Wire

3. Wallace

4. Boats

5. Grand Theft Auto: Vice City

6. Peein' Ian

7. A Kid Named Cudi

8. DKB - The Overdue

9. Remember Lil Wayne?

10. My dog

11. Names

12. Germany

13. Less fortunate countries

14. Marijuana, amongst other drugs

15. The Big Dav(e)

16. Feline AIDS

17. Slugs

18. Ravens

19. The Wire

20. College

21. Effort

22. The pursuit of happiness

23. Sports movies

24. The Wire

25. Bananas

26. Diseases

27. Finding Forrester?

28. Ray Allen

29. Ben Gordon

30. All that weird music Lauren likes

31. Lauryn.

32. Public schools

33. Cross-curricular!

34. Jackie Robinson

35. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

36. Talib Kweli

37. Alcohol

38. Jamie Foxx

39. Fantastic Mr. Fox

40. The National

41. Lollapalooza

42. Pitchfork — might have to sell my ticket I have for Sunday. If you'd like it, go on and shout me out.

43. Burgers

44. The diversity of humankind

45. That fucker who killed MLK

46. Dave Chappelle

47. Young adorable Kanye West

48. Chicago

49. Bad TV dramas

50. The Wire

_________________________________________
Your problems, answered:

1. Sunflower seeds
(in my mouth)
2. The Wire
(not watching it, thus my tv is off)
3. Wallace
(WHY?)
4. Boats
(smacked down)
5. Grand Theft Auto: Vice City
(Owning property)
6. Peein' Ian
(drugs)
7. A Kid Named Cudi
(GOOD music)
8. DKB - The Overdue
(Not music)
9. Remember Lil Wayne?
(Irrelevant music)
~

10. My dog
(so ittttchy)
11. Names
(not as important as we claim they are)

12. Germany
(what's goin' on over there?)
13. Less fortunate countries
 (what's goin' on over here?)

14. Marijuana, amongst other drugs
(they're out there)

~

15. The Big Dav(e)
(Maroon car hell yes Grant!)

16. Feline AIDS
(The past can still hurt)

17. Slugs
(So can salt, actually)

18. Ravens
(Lockouts... and Baltimore)

19. The Wire
(So what?)

20. College
(Gotta get Stringer smart!)

21. Effort
(College's fine print)

22. The pursuit of happiness
(College's bold print)

23. Sports movies
(My personal favorite? Remember the...)

24. The Wire
(Sorry, just don't worry about it.)

25. Bananas
(How 'bout them apples, angry white man?)

26. Diseases
(How 'bout them abscesses, sad white man?)

27. Finding Forrester?
(movies I haven't seen that have black people in them)

28. Ray Allen
(movies I have seen that have black people in them)

29. Ben Gordon
(the opposite)

~
30. All that weird music Lauren likes
(Like Energy Spent, by Liam Finn)

31. Lauryn.
(What a lovely fucking lady)

32. Public schools
(tend to miseducate)
33. Cross-curricular!
(Unless you're learning from this mofo!)

34. Jackie Robinson
(Mostly probably about this mofo.)

35. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
(The answer to life lies on Jackie's back)

36. Talib Kweli
(Black Star never goes on stage without a towel)

37. Alcohol
(Canopy Club-Laura Sokolowski-SoCo-YUP)

38. Jamie Foxx
(who I blame for being crazy)

39. Fantastic Mr. Fox
(this one's simple)

40. The National
(Picturing Fantastic Mr. Fox singing "I won't fuck us over!")

41. Lollapalooza
(At this venue, where I did not get to see them last year. Or this year. Or ever, most likely)

42. Pitchfork — might have to sell my ticket I have for Sunday. If you'd like it, go on and shout me out.
 (Uh, yeah. Shit.)
43. Burgers
(Delicious...)

44. The diversity of humankind
(...different.)

45. That fucker who killed MLK
(What was his probbbbblem? Oh right, unforgivable racist and inhumane. Forgot)

46. Dave Chappelle
(Nicole Simpson can't rap!)

47. Young adorable Kanye West
(Milsap's band)

48. Chicago
(Found out I was gang affiliated, got on tv and told on me)

49. Bad TV dramas
(Aka, not...)

50. The Wire
(Okay okay, you're right. I have a problem. Well, maybe just an addiction. Not a problem. WALLACE!)


--Eliot Sill

You Shouldn't Let Other People Get Your Kicks For You

by Brendan Cavanagh


This is a post I wrote for a blawg my friends from college and I have. Enjoy.


One night two summers ago my cousin approached me with a serious look on his face. He gripped my arm tightly and vehemently expressed his concern that perhaps one is entirely unable to watch a movie or read a book or listen to a musician without first hearing about it from a reputable source- be it a friend, relative, magazine or website. He said, "Would we have watched Dr. Strangelove last night if it hadn't been named one of the greatest films of all time?"

At the time, I understood what he meant, but his qualms have stuck with me and influenced me to retain as much autonomy and individual interest as possible when encountering unexperienced aspects of media. So when I flipped through someone's copy of the latest Rolling Stone this weekend and discovered an article listing, in depth, the "70 Greatest Bob Dylan Songs," I experienced an amalgamation of several feelings: elation at seeing many of my favorite songs on the list, confidence that just like Rolling Stone writers and Dylan-worshipping musicians, I knew what made these songs great, disgust with certain songs I felt should have made the list but didn't as well as the ones included that I felt shouldn't have been, and inspiration to listen much closer to songs I may have previously ignored or misunderstood.

Obviously, everyone has different taste. But when it comes to Dylan's greatest songs, it's understandable that many people would share the same favorites. I think it's important to have this sort of mutual understanding, but I am really proud to have my own choices in my own order, be them on The List or not. So I'll list here my five favorite Dylan songs to give you a taste of how I view Dylan's work, but keep in mind my favorites vary depending on my mood,. the weather, the time, where I am, what I'm doing and blah blah blah blah blah. The following is the most enduring Top Five:

1. Don't Think Twice, It's All Right [Demo-Recording] - No Direction Home Soundtrack (The Bootleg Series, Vol. 7) - 2005

The studio recording was the eighth track on 1963's The Freewheelin' Bob Dylan, but I prefer the demo because although it excludes the bluesy harmonica, its stripped-down and mournful sound more accurately paints a picture of desolation and leaving a relationship.

2. Santa-Fe - The Bootleg Series, Vol. 1 (1991)

The lyrics are indecipherable and don't match up to their written documentation, but from what I can understand, they detail a life of endless wandering, the thoughts of a man who can't e tied down to a single place or person. It was recorded in the basement of Big Pink with The Band before they were The Band, so of course, the musical accompaniment is richer and upbeat. The seemingly comforting line "Don't feel bad, no no no no don't don't don't feel bad" kills me every time.

3. Like A Rolling Stone - Highway 61 Revisited (1965)

Honestly, this is one of the most important songs of all time, so it would make sense that it would be Rolling Stone's number one pick (though the fact that it is the magazine's namesake and that it was already chosen as their pick for the greatest song of all time eased any anticipation). Over time the song takes on added significance, and I find myself singing it scornfully and acidly in my head to certain girls I hate to love. Bruce Springsteen has rather articulately expressed his first encounter with the song, in a way speaking for most people, saying "The first time I heard Bob Dylan, I was in the car with my mother listening to WMCA, and on came that snare shot that sounded like somebody'd kicked open the door to your mind."

4. Idiot Wind [Alternate Take] - The Bootleg Series. Vol. 2 (1991)

Dylan haphazardly recorded most of the material on 1975's Blood On The Tracks without much help from a backing band in Minneapolis before revamping his songs and releasing them. This song is notable because it features simply Dylan on acoustic guitar and harmonica, desperately whining a depressing nine minutes of heartbreak and anger with a past love who done him wrong. In the end, though, Dylan places the blame not only on his ex-lover, but on himself, too, stating, "We're idiots babe, it's a wonder we can even feed ourselves." However, the lyrical imagery is overshadowed by the minute-and-a-half harmonica solo at the end of the song, a solo which most vividly relates Dylan's pain.

5. Chimes Of Freedom [Live] - No Direction Home Soundtrack (The Bootleg Series, Vol. 7) 2005

In my opinion, maybe the greatest of Dylan's folk-protest songs, and perhaps the greatest protest song of all time. Though instead of pointing fingers Dylan describes a truly epic thunderstorm whose violent lightening and thunder clang out the unjust derogation of all types of people and which is seen by everyone in a strange experience of global unity- from the outcast, the mistitled prostitute and misdemeanor outlaw to the poet, the lonesome-hearted lover and ultimately, "every hung-up person in the whole wide universe." I don't often listen to the original studio version on 1964's Another Side of Bob Dylan, instead favoring the live concert version recorded in 1964 at the Newport Folk Festival.

I love Bob Dylan. And you should, too.

Irrational Fears

by Brendan Cavanagh

I have three irrational fears. But if you take into account the events that precipitated each fear, then maybe they're not so irrational.  Maybe...they are, in fact, rational.

Band-Aids

Growing up, my family returned every summer to the Knights of Columbus pool.  Once I hit puberty, I became dissatisfied with the maximum depth of the pool- four feet, four inches.  But I kept going anyway.  One year, I decided, "Hey I should wear goggles underwater so my eyes won't burn and I'll be able to accurately see what goes on down there!"  What was I thinkinnnnnggg?  Upon donning those goggles I was exposed to the invisible filth of the floor of the pool, and somehow that floating around on top and in the corners- hair, garbage and BAND-AIDS!!  I felt like the people in Plato's allegory of the cave, unable to return to my prior state of innocence and blindness.  I don't even like to wear fresh band-aids anymore.  I'm scarred for life, and that is a wound that cannot be healed with the help of a band-aid.

Opening Presents in Front of the Giver

Don't get me wrong, I love receiving presents.  But I have this inexplicable anxiety when I have to open them in front of the person who gave them to me during the mandatory present-opening ceremony that takes place at every one of my family birthday parties.  I guess I feel like my display of enthusiasm and appreciation is too phony, and I think in a way my anxiety actually does make my zeal less believable.  I get so worried that the giver will think they've chosen the wrong gift and thus pity themselves and their gift selection.  I think it all started when I was a kid and my aunt gave me a copy of N*Sync's No Strings Attached, which I already had.  I definitely appreciated the gesture, but I couldn't being myself to admit that I already had it.  She asked me if I had it yet and I replied with a half-hearted "No!." but I think she figured it out.

Ziploc Bags With Air Still in Them

Just don't like 'em.  Weird-looking.  Also I worry about conservation of space in the fridge.

Nick - THE WORST THINGS

 

  Wasps

Wasps are the worst things. Bees are desperate creatures, and, if need calls, they will valiantly die to protect their hives.

And then there are wasps. Wasps don't die when they sting you. They sting you whenever the fuck they want, because they can. Also, bees pollinate all of our stuff. What do wasps pollinate? Nothing! Actually, probably something. I don't know. Who cares? Wasps are the worst.

Also wasps make those weird little grey tunnelly nests. Those things are unsettling, and they hang around your garage. You never notice them until you are too late.

The Color Beige

The Color Beige is the worst thing. First of all, when I google "The Color Beige," I get like 20 different colors. I don't think I can describe how stupid it is that this is a color when we don't even know what color it is.

One time I was driving my friend home and I asked him which house was his. He responded, "The beige one."

I threw him out of my car right there.

Happiness

Look at these people. These people look so happy. I hope they are all eaten by wasps.

Happiness is the worst thing. Let's run through an all-too-common scenario. I wake up, and turn my alarm clock off with all my fury. I drag myself to my dresser, miserably force myself to get dressed, and painstakingly maintain some baseline degree of hygiene. Then I finally trek wearily down to breakfast, only to be met by my two friends who are cheerily eating breakfast. Also, they are dating. So they are happy, wide awake, and they love each other. And now I'm sitting with them.

If there is anything worse than that, I have yet to encounter it. Happiness is the worst.

The Universe

The Universe is the worst thing. Yep. You all knew I was getting there.

Someday I could go on to eliminate every wasp and every beige-colored thing, and then The Universe would be all like, "Fuck you! You're insignificant!"

Basically what I'm saying is that The Universe invalidates everything I do. Put in a good effort to eat a healthy breakfast this morning? That's too bad, because you're a small collection of atoms that will never leave a rock on a distant arm of a small spiral galaxy.

And you can make the world a better place all you want, but that doesn't change the fact that it will be destroyed in a few billion years. 

Endings

I'm not writing one