Nick - Nature Is Scary

This is a video of a cricket committing suicide because a parasitic worm in its body told it to. This video is disgusting. This video is not for the faint of heart.

For all of nature's beauty and stuff, it is a scary place. Imagine that you're a cricket; you don't know why this worm larger than yourself is living inside of your body. You don't know how it got there. You just know that something hurts and that you don't feel right.

Even scarier is that this worm somehow forces the cricket to jump into water and drown itself. That is scary shit. It takes advantage of the cricket's natural instincts and inhibitions, and perverts them to its own devices. It's like having an itch that you need to scratch, until you die.

And it gets scarier than that. Next is a video of a caterpillar.

Spoiler: He gets eaten from the inside out, and his brain gets taken over to make him protect the parasites.

Nick - The Most Dangerous Game

I'm on top of the world; I rush forward, utilizing my overwhelming speed to close in on my helpless prey. I bear down mercilessly as he swerves, trying desperately to break my pursuit. And then, in an instant, it's over; in a satisfying crack his vehicle is crushed. He lets out a cry of anguish and despair as I drink the sweet nectar of his demise.

He wanders off, a downtrodden nomad and another helpless victim; everything he worked for is naught. As I gloat in victory, something comes up behind me. There's no time to react; there is no chase, no pounding heart, no fear. I hear the horrible crack that was my ally just moments ago, and now I too am crushed. Knocked from my place at the top of the food chain, I never even saw what hit me. It was something blurry, something moving incomprehensibly fast. It was something... pink.

This cycle of predator to prey, this dynamic story of betrayal and back-stabbing, is typical of a game of Kirby Air Ride. Kirby Air Ride is a 2003 Gamecube racing game starring Kirby. The reason that you've never heard of it is because it is, by all counts, a bad game. It got terrible reviews, and the main game is slow and boring.

But tucked away as just another feature, is a second gameplay mode called "city trial." It's advertised as a fun alternative way to play; you run around the city and collect power ups and then compete in a friendly race after the timer runs out.

What they don't tell you is that if you smash someone, you can ruin their vehicle, take all their powerups, and leave them broken and helpless.
There are several things wrong with the above picture: first of all, they look like they are having fun. In reality, Kirbys are disposable. They should be huddled in fear, preparing for their imminent demise. Any great vehicle you get, and power ups you receive, they all can be stripped from you in an instant. And then your assassin will have your precious power ups, feeding further into his strength and your oppression.

The second thing wrong with that picture is that exciting things are happening in the background. If you're lucky, maybe meteors will fall from the sky for a little while, or a secret stash of power ups will appear somewhere. But more often, the in-game events are things like the sky getting foggy for a minute, or the lighthouse turning on.
Another thing of note in Kirby Air Ride is that there is absolutely no balance. See that machine up there? That's Hydra. If someone manages to get Hydra, it's all over. Hydra is indestructible, overwhelmingly fast, and capable of destroying you and everyone you love with a single tap. If your friend gets Hydra, you had better pray that the round is almost over, because it will be misery for you. Your friend is no longer your friend. Now he is the oppressor. The enemy. The tyrant. A monster, bloated with his own strength.

. . .

I love playing Kirby Air Ride. It's unbalanced and cruel. When I play it, I am subhuman. You are no longer my friend or my brother. You are a target, and your only salvation will be the moment of relief you feel when the clock runs out.

If you want to play, call me up.
-Nick.

The Game

Since being in college, the old Classic has passed away and been replaced by a new, more cynical Classic. He has been infused with the very essence of evil itself...spite. Yes, spite. He is not exactly sure from whence it comes, but it seems to emanate from Room 112 Blaisedale, Pennsylvania Avenue Residence Hall. He also feels it faintly drifting in from the far off lands of Missouri and Oklahoma. Is there no escape from this menacing threat that threatens the very core of Classic's moral fiber?

"Could you hold this?". Sure. *Drops wallet immediately after being handed it*. "No one should agree with Robert just to make him feel unloved." *Immediately post something stating total agreement with Robert*. "Use your quickenings!" *Refuse to ever use quickenings again, even if at some point it finally IS a good idea*. "I hate when people do that!" *What...you mean THIS?!?!* "I love Cake!" *Immediately display immense dislike for Cake, despite knowing how good they are*. (I'm looking at you here, Schribnizz. And speaking of Roy....possible dark knight candidate for most spiteful person on earth?) "I'm not gay, I swear!" *Kiss the bastard until he's the fucking gayest*. "I fully expect you to make this joke here." *Make a different joke, despite it being much less funny. Or neglect to make a joke at all. Or tell the joke anyway because they thought you were going to change it out of spite*. Double spite.

What's the point of the game? Fuck everyone over. Why? Why not, bitch? If you don't participate, you're a lesser being. You are weak, a weed waiting to be pulled up. Only the dominant survive. There's no time for being cordial or "nice". Ha! Whatever that is... No mercy, especially if you're a girl. How else will they learn the harsh nature of humor? Because that's what spite is. The darkest, deepest, and only true form of humor. What's funnier than a joke at someone else's expense? A joke at someone else's expense, specifically for being at someone else's expense, that's what.

That's our crowd. If you don't like it, get the fuck out. Go listen to more Justin Bieber, you pansy. We listen to indie music here. Of course you've never heard of them, you fool. That's the point. We weren't all the "cool kids" in high school (except that one homecoming king guy....what a jackass), but we were the coolest kids in high school. Of course you've never heard of us. Our indie power cloaks us from your vision. My point in this paragraph? Fuck you. I was gonna explain, but just for asking, you can figure it out yourself.

-Classic