Nick - All Alone

We here at Classic Brian like to write about doomsday scenarios. Especially zombies. And while zombie breakouts may seem fun and exciting, I do not care much for them. If there were a zombie breakout, you and I would probably not be main characters or saviors. We would be hapless survivors at best and victims at worst.

But what if you woke up one morning to discover that you were the only person left on the planet?

Suddenly, no matter what you do you become the main character. What do you do? Do you take time to do what you've always wanted to do? To dance on the grave of society? Maybe take time to read a book you never got around to? Or live in an expensive house? I cannot answer any of these questions for you. But I can tell you what I would do!

. . .

I wake up, and everyone is gone. There is no noise coming from the street. Nobody at home. Even the dogs are gone. The only thing left is eery silence. Unfortunately, it would probably take me a while to notice. I'd probably wonder where everybody went for a few hours. Any other person would let the time tick away, waiting for something to happen. But not me. I would come to my senses, then hurriedly confirm my suspicions, and then spring into action. After all, I've written a blog post about this.

The scariest thing about this situation is that we don't really know how long electricity would last without any human oversight. The general consensus I get from Googling this is that the power would probably go out within the first day. Thus, the first day is the most important. I would frantically get to work before the power went out, forever.

Probably my first task would be to collect a gas powered generator and as much gas as possible. I would get to the gas station and fill as many gas canisters as I could fit in my car.

You know. These things.

Then I would go to a hardware store or something and take as many gas powered generators as I could find. Also I would grab several lengths of clear tubing so that I could learn to siphon gas from the many cars left behind by humans.

Finally, I would pick up enough food to fill a fridge and freezer, and settle into my new lifestyle. I would take as much cereal as I could; it will last until the end of time. Also I would get all of the ice cream, because I only have one shot at frozen things. And I would take a ton of milk, because I love milk and I don't really want to raise cows.

Obviously this stuff can't last forever; I would definitely be making frequent food raids at stores. However, having food and electricity could help me transition into an unpopulated world until I get better at scavenging.

After living this way for a long time, I would probably get very bored and lonely. Maybe it's time for a road trip? At the very least, I can go check out the Grand Canyon, Yellowstone Park, and all that other natury stuff. I would pack food and gas with me, and if I ever had car troubles I could simply find a car with keys in the ignition. I hope. Maybe I should find spare batteries and stuff too.

Probably when I get to experience the glory of nature without any people around, I will become a part of it myself. I will live in the wilderness, and learn to live in peace and harmony with the animals. I could live in the shadows of the mountains at Yellowstone Park, spending my leisure time watching the geysers and swimming with the fish.

Of course, I would get bored of that too before long. And then what kind of future awaits me? Maybe I'd go try to fly a plane. I guess I really don't know what I'd do next. But when all of you are dead, I'll find out.

-Nick.

Nick - Oh, The Horror

Last week I gave you a short introduction to Pikmin. This week, I'm going to give you a short introduction to how my siblings and I are, together, an exceedingly efficient Pikmin-killing machine. First, an introduction to the players.

Nick - That's me! Good at Pikmin. Age 19.
Ben - Merciless, but still good at Pikmin. Age 16.
Sofia - Doesn't really understand how Pikmin works. Age 9.
Teddy -  Scared of every creature in Pikmin. Age 6.

Now, on to some of the most memorable ways to kill Pikmin.

Forgetting that Pikmin can't swim. (Sofia)

It's not unusual to accidentally let a Pikmin slip into the water and drown. Sofia, however, took this to a new level by forgetting that Pikmin can't swim and drowning a whole army. Enjoy the following 8 second video of Pikmin drowning to death. Oh god, the screams. Those screams will haunt me until my death.

Sacrificial bomb explosion. (Nick)

A yellow Pikmin holding a bomb rock.

Oftentimes in Pikmin, use of explosive devices is necessary to overcome obstacles. However, they can also be used as killing machines. I'm guilty of taking it one step further. If I can't be bothered to fight a creature, I'll have Pikmin pick up a bomb, and then just let the creature eat it. BOOM! Hilarity!

Vigilante Darwinism. (Ben)

If a Pikmin is weak enough to catch on fire, Ben lets it burn.

 Ben's Pikmin philosophy does not tolerate weakness. If a Pikmin steps out of line and into the water, Ben lets it drown. It didn't deserve to live. If a Pikmin steps too close to a sleeping beast and wakes it up, Ben leaves the poor thing to fight the beast by itself. A Pikmin doesn't come when Ben calls the group? That's too bad, it's getting left behind. Ben rules his Pikmin with an iron fist.

Captain Olimar slowly goes insane. (Teddy)

Teddy has found what is perhaps the most disturbing fate that can overcome the entire Pikmin population. The other day, while Teddy was playing, he informed me of something very unsettling.

"Captain Olimar is starting to think he's a Pikmin," he said.

Within the next couple of days, I watched as Teddy robbed Captain Olimar of his abilities, one by one. First, he lost his ability to throw Pikmin. Then to call them. Next, he lost the ability to command Pikmin at all. Finally, Olimar ran around all day vainly attempting to harvest nutrients for the Pikmin colony.

"He thinks he's a Pikmin now," Teddy said sadly, shaking his head.

Driven insane by his isolation on a foreign planet, Captain Olimar and the Pikmin population spiraled into decline due to their incapacitated and insane leader.

DO NOT BE ALARMED; I AM ONE OF YOU

-Nick.

Nick - Pikmin!

Pikmin is one of my favorite games. Don't be fooled by its childish appearance; Pikmin is terrifying. Beneath the cute, natury veneer is a frank portrayal of the "survival of the fittest" aspect of nature.

The game begins when Captain Olimar crashes his spaceship on an unknown planet. With his ship missing many of its most vital parts, and his space suit only able to continue life support for 30 days, Olimar faces bleak chances of survival. Then he happens upon Pikmin.

Pikmin are tiny creatures on the very brink of extinction, beaten into evolutionary submission by the efficient and cruel predators of the planet. They fall in line with Captain Olimar, and the two set out to desperately struggle for life in this hostile environment; Olimar by fixing his ship, and the Pikmin by using his leadership to defeat predators.

Pikmin is interesting because every enemy in the game is larger and more formidable than you by volumes.

The world of Pikmin is full of predators, like this Burrowing Snagret.

Because of the nature and size of the enemies, it is impossible to defeat them with Captain Olimar alone, or with just a few Pikmin. The game is all about strength in numbers and teamwork.

This also means that even in the most expertly handled battles, many Pikmin die. They valiantly sacrifice themselves for the good of the group, an ultimate expression of loyalty and duty.

A large part of the game is carrying food, in the form of plants or corpses of defeated foes, back to the Pikmins' home. It is then turned into seeds, from which new Pikmin can be plucked. This is how lost Pikmin can be replaced, and your strength and numbers grow. In this way, your predators become your prey.

Ultimately, Pikmin boils down to teamwork and leadership. The Pikmin live or die based on your decisions, and without each other both Olimar and the Pikmin would be helpless. Working together, you can accomplish tasks that would be impossible for an individual.

-Nick.