Wednesday, July 14, 2010

What the World Needs Now.....

The fact of the matter is, we will all die one day. Everyone who has ever lived has done it. And I don't mean the same "everyone" that saw Avatar. LITERALLY EVERYONE that was living that is not currently living got to that point through the same universal experience, death. Sucks, right?

Well enough of me being a Donald Downer. The point is that we all do it, we all die. So I think we should stop ignoring it. We should stop pretending like this life will keep going and going and going. We should prepare for death. It's something we belittle and every time it happens we treat it as if it were a mistake. Cut the bullshit, society. It's time to make death worth experiencing. I mean, the extent of humanity's preparation for death is usually nothing more than six months of people who have no idea what they're talking about remind you that this is why you spent all those years of your life going to church. They give you advice on what you should be feeling before you experience something they've never done and those people will flip the same lid we all do when it comes their turn. Most people begin to accept their own mortality mere hours prior to their final breath and frankly that's unacceptable. Shit. I'm sorry. I lied about stopping the Donald Downer routine, I guess I had more to say on that issue than I thought.

But here's the actual point of my post, I promise this is what I'm writing about: in order to maximize my fatality experience, I am formally requesting that humanity work together to accidentally cause a zombie outbreak. ...Yeah. That's what I was getting at.


First off, let's just accept this. Millions, potentially billions, would die. But we covered this, they were gonna do that anyway. (Note: Not my mentality for death in general.) They would die, and it would be sad, but at the same time, we're in constant fear for our own lives, so we don't have time to worry about the people that aren't good enough to survive an outbreak. Hey, we have the internet at hyperspeed, why not Darwinism?

There is actually a pretty bright silver lining to this gray cloud of death. Assuming we win the battle of human race versus zombie outbreak, we will survive. Survive, live on, evolve, develop. Seriously. Think of how many shitty corrupt people with power will die from the outbreak. Think of how many petty conflicts will be put to rest when your race starts to eat itself to death. Think of the serious potential international shockwave a zombie outbreak would cause. We would be......
.....stop it. .....You're laughing. Stop it. Of course this won't happen. Just have some imagination God damn it, I am Constitutionally equipped with the right to dream on. You just read and obey.
Anyway, shit, where was I? We would be set back to zero. History would be irrelevant and tradition would become extinct. Uhm, that kinda sucks, but if we could do it to end all current global c0nflict and be given the chance to start over, shouldn't we? Well if this outbreak was bad (in other words, good) enough, that would definitely happen. Whittling down the human race to those capable of surviving a fucking zombie outbreak? Almost a worthy investment. Like your muscles, the human race has to be broken down to be built up.

What would an outbreak do for the economy? Trillions of dollars of damages would be done, but hey, who needs that shit rebuilt anyway? Plus, all the money in the world would still be just out there, owned by dead people. We could put that money to actual beneficial use (Here's looking at you, American Cancer Society). Clearing the carnage would be a hectic task, but I figure we'd just sort of let the majority of that rot away while we kick away an area for us to live in the meantime.

Enough about the before and after though. DURING A ZOMBIE OUTBREAK. How cool does that make things? Every day is survival. Not an hour can you go without being in fear for your life. But at the same time, you're playing on borrowed time at some point, with all of your family and friends being dead and all. And by the way, I never feel like the family aspect is played up enough in zombie movies. It's always like, "Where are mom and dad?" dunuhnuhnuhnuh, "Turns out they're dead." "NOOOO!!!!!! Let's go find a helicopter" and then that's it. It'd be really cool to have a "family survives the outbreak" movie. Get to work, Universal Studios.

I spend an unreasonable amount of time thinking about the outbreak. When would it happen? Where would I be when it happened? What would I do if the outbreak happened now? What's my nearest proficient zombie weapon? There are a VERY select few on my zombie survival crew list. In addition to me loving you, you have to live in a close proximity to me because I am not driving across town just to pick your sorry defenseless ass up. Sorry, Conor. If the power still worked I'd be keeping in loose touch with just about everyone in my contacts list.

What is your mentality going into a zombie outbreak? Are you playing to win and survive? Or are you just trying to get your money's worth and pray to get lucky? I think I'd roll with the latter decision. Why, because it's a FUCKING ZOMBIE OUTBREAK. YOU ONLY GET TO DO THIS ONCE. And that one time is a hypothetical addition to the zero times that this will actually happen. You can hole up for a week with little food, or you can go try and be that legendary hero who saves stragglers and ends up being a sacrifice. Either way, you're going to be emotionally distressed. Would you rather see your friends die 0r assume one way or the other with no real closure?

The connection is that this is how I want to die. I don't want AIDS to let me know when death's on my doorstep, I want a zombie outbreak. It would be one fantastic thrilling experience that would make my life worth living. Nothing makes you feel quite as alive as when you are running from people who are animate but are nonetheless dead. Plus, talk about stress relief. If someone I dislike died this summer, it would be awful. I would be overcome with the sadness of loss and not know how to handle it. However, if someone I dislike dies during a zombie outbreak, it's a win! Relatively speaking, people. Hell, I might have to be the one to plug them full of bullets myself! That satisfaction is imaginary to kids like me who know for a fact they'll never have reason to shoot anyone.

Which of your friends would survive an outbreak? Who would you call and make sure to meet up with?

The questions are limitless and begging you to spend the next day thinking about them.

Look, I know, when this happens, the devastation will outweigh the fun. CNN will still be on the air, we will get depressing reports of hordes of people dying. Our militaries will be fighting their own families, blah blah blah. As far as the apocalypse goes, zombies sounds like a fun ass time, and if you can't accept that then you need to have a reality check. Also watch Shaun/Dawn of the Dead. But God, if you're out there apocalypse shopping, and you can't decide between the wall of flame deal or the Mayan calendar cop-out coming in 2012 or a re-airing of the seven deadly plagues or finding a natural-looking alternative, please, go with a zombie outbreak. I hope there is a contingent of scientists striving to seek out the possibility of zombiism and I hope they are successful, and unable to control their findings. I'm going to die eventually. And damn it, if 3 billion others dying along with me paints a prettier picture than so be it. I was terrified of zombies as a child. The concept freaked me out. I want to be given the chance to dole out some payback. It's just like hide and seek tag, only with extreme implications.

Oh, and you'd be playing with these guys.
.......1, 2, 3, NOT IT!

--Eliot Sill

1 comment:

  1. Eliot, ever since I first saw Shaun of the Dead and decided that it was (is) my favorite movie of all time, I have been resilient in the belief that I could survive a zombie apocalypse. In sophomore year, I was invited by Marcus or Cory or Griffin Ludwig or someone to join the Zombie Survivalist Coalition, a very low-key Facebook group. I remember that I didn't really care or know well who it was that invited me, I just needed to join it to prove my worth should there be an apocalypse.

    Zombie apocalypse is the only way I want to die, seriously. Or even better, I want to die by sacrificing myself in old age for the untainted youth so that they may go on and forge a new generation or whatever.

    I, not Will Smith (terrible adaptation), am legend.