Highlight Reel

The montage is one of the greatest things ever created by mankind. To put it simply, it's just a whole bunch of awesome put into a sequence of some sort, cutting out all the boarshit (this word is stupid and I'm including it out of spite...to myself?). Montages can be used in an assortment of ways, from reminiscing about all of the awesome and epic fights that I, Gohan, have witnessed and been a part of, to a poster board full of pictures of me being awesome in various ways (Robert had the least people come to that party for him. Fuck you, Griffin. You do not count). But anyway, this post isn't about what a montage is. It is, in itself, a montage of shit that has crossed my mind this past week or so that I have deemed blog-worthy. Sorry if it isn't very cohesive and doesn't make a lot of sense.

Perhaps it's just me, but when I hear certain songs, I wish I had an incredible singing voice or sick-as-hell guitar skills. I always picture myself performing the song and having everyone be in love with me for it. On that note, I shall make a list of artists who have said effect on me, somewhat in order. Also included is my favorite quote from that particular artist and the song from which it originates.

1. Harry McVeigh (White Lies, leading vocals/guitar) - I don't know how many people really listen to White Lies, but I can't stop. His voice enthralls me, and their deep and somewhat twisted lyrics really fascinate me.
"You whispered, 'Where are you?'. I questioned your doubt, but soon realized you were talking to God, now." (Unfinished Business)
2. Jack White (The White Stripes, The Raconteurs, The Dead Weather, lead vocals/guitar) - What a mother fucking badass. I don't know about any of you, but I think he's the best in The Dead Weather. I love that band. Mr. White has a one-of-a-kind voice that any fan could easily distinguish from a mile away.
"If I left, you'd never see me again. I wouldn't leave a trace." (Blue Blood Blues)

3. Ben Gibbard (Death Cab for Cutie, The Postal Service, lead vocals/guitar) - OMGz I love you. I can't name any song that has been created by either of these bands that I don't like. The whole spectrum is covered, from inspirational/touching to pump up/rock out. Also, I'd have to say The Postal Service is the best side project band ever. Good work on marrying Zooey Deschanel by the way, Ben.

"If Heaven and Hell decide that they both are satisfied, illuminate the No's on their vacancy signs." (I Will Follow You Into The Dark)
4. Thomas Mars (Phoenix, lead vocals) - Before Lollapalooza, I had never actually seen what the band members look like. So when Mr. Mars walked up to the mike, the first thought that ran through my mind was, "You're kidding, right? This guy is a rockstar?" No offense to him, but he looks so timid and dorky to me. However, he blew me away with his performance, and to this day Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix remains one of my favorite and most listened to albums, ever.

"From the mess to the masses." (Lisztomania).

5. John Gourley (Portugal. The Man, lead vocals/guitar) - This guy's range is insane. I thought he was a girl the first time I was introduced to this band (Thanks, Cory). That isn't even meant as an insult. That's just saying he hits those high notes like a mofo. I was fortunate enough to have the chance to meet him and the rest of the band when they played on campus. Just one more reason I love college.

"If you work all day, you keep the rhythm through the night. If you work all night, you keep the rhythm through the day." (Work All Day)

6. Isaac Brock (Modest Mouse, vocalist/guitar) - If you ever find someone that sounds remotely like him, lemme know. His voice demands my attention and respect. And even when he isn't singing, this is one of those bands that establish their identity to me as soon as the song starts, even if I haven't heard that particular song in months.

"Oh, the dashboard melted, but we still have the radio." (Dashboard)

"You missed where time and life shook hands and said 'goodbye'." (Ocean Breathes Salty)

7. Ben Bridwell (Band of Horses, vocalist/guitar) - Some people may think that Band of Horses is just another rock band and that they're no big deal. Wrong. Fuck you. I can't quite put my finger on exactly what it is that make them so special to me. All I know is that their music touches me, and I've literally shed tears while listening to The Funeral.

"I'm coming up only to hold you under. I'm coming up only to show you wrong." (The Funeral)

8. (Led Zeppelin) - I really can't single out any one person or component that makes this band what it is - fucking legendary. Jimmy Page rocking out on guitar, Robert Plant mind-fucking you with his delicious voice, John Paul Jones making your bones vibrate with his bass skillz, and John Bonham smashing into your eardrums on drums makes for possibly the best. band. ever. Led doesn't deserve a place this far down on my list, but I just don't really know where to put them. I guarantee that every band I listed above was heavily influenced in some way by LZ.

Uncharted 2 on crushing mode is hard as balls. Fuck that bastard on the train who can just absorb bullets but somehow can't withstand Drake's punches. What an asshole. Also, I'm inexplicably bad at controlling Drake's rolling. It's constituted about 75% of my deaths.

On that note, I'd like to point out something I've noticed about myself. I'm ridiculously competitive. I may not seem like it initially, but I discretely try to position myself to be the best at just about everything I undertake. And if I don't think I have a shot at being the best, I don't do it. This clearly has it's flaws and advantages. I probably miss out on tons of shit that I'd really enjoy, but on the other hand it makes me look like less of a failure in those certain categories. The one main exception to this rule is class, the universe's cruel rape of my soul. I love the college atmosphere, but to be honest, if the current world didn't basically demand a college degree to get a halfway decent job, I probably wouldn't be here. This has instilled in me a laziness and lack of motivation in the academic field that may soon be my downfall. I've fallen into that mindset of just getting grades that are good enough to get by on, which I swore to myself I wouldn't do after 4 years of doing just that in high school. Dammit, Brian. CLASSIC.

I beat the pokemon quiz. 3 times. Fuck yeah.

I can't sleep before 3 in the morning anymore, and it seems to be getting worse each passing day. This only compounds my academic problems...

My feelings of being pathetic, lonely, and hollow these days could give Conor a run for his money, and I still got more game than Ricky Stone.

It sucks that in today's economy I have to make a choice between studying something I love and enjoy and something that has a potential job market and makes money. When being told about this dilemma I have, my family proved to be very vapid and shallow, demanding that I remain in the engineering program because media is a dried up, fruitless field. However, I tend to forgive them given their current financial plight. They just want better for me. I want better for me as well, which is why I chose this field in the first place, but I realize that I really fucking hate math. Do I tough it out and become rich and famous, or do I give it all up for my passion in media? What a fucking terrible choice that is to make. The one bright side of this is that for the first time in years, I had a real conversation with my dad in which I didn't get inexplicably irritated at him. Granted, it was depressing, because he basically told me that he didn't want me to be like him and end up with a dead end job and a degree not applicable to his life. But I was really happy that I could finally talk to him again. We used to be best friends when I was a kid, but somewhere along the line I lost my ability to talk to him at all. He's a great dad, and although sometimes he has a short fuse, he's the most caring and affectionate father you can get. He does everything for his family, and I have a lot of respect for him for all the shit he puts up with. He doesn't deserve me being an asshole to him for no reason. He's always trying to just talk to me and be part of my life because he wants to be there for me, and I just yell at him and tell him to leave me alone. I feel like I'm finally moving past that back to where we used to be now that I've put some distance between us with me being at college and no longer under my parents' thumb. I need that a lot.

Sorry shit got so heavy right there. I know most people aren't really aware, but I've had a lot of emotional issues that I don't always handle well. I feel like maybe sometimes I'm a bit dramatic (now, perhaps), but it's just how I feel. Thanks to those people who have always been there for me. You know who you are.

Classic out.

Conor - On Love, Lust, and Loneliness

I first see her as I'm walking up to the cafeteria. I can still remember her brownish hair, sortof pouty facial expression, and grey t-shirt as if/because it was yesterday, around 7 o'clock. From the moment I set eyes on her, I know, I know deep down in my heart that she is the one for me for the next 15 to 20 minutes.

I begin my conquest. For educational purposes, I will spell out my strategy here for our readers.

1. Step one. See her.

2. Stare at her, unapologetically, as I walk up. I attempt, several times, to make eye contact. There's a high probability she's similarly obsessed with me. After all, we both have so much in common. I'm wearing a plaid shirt. She's wearing plaid shorts. We're both under seven feet tall. All I have to do is make eye contact. I don't. If my friends weren't waiting for me right behind her, I would have turned around and made my approach a few more times, until she inevitably acknowledged, if not my rugged good looks or charming personality, at least my persistence. But alas, I have to go into the cafeteria with my posse.

3. Fail at acting natural when I spot her coming into the cafe, later. I stop paying attention to what's going on for a second or two, and I'm forced to ask my friend what he just said and apologize for spacing out. Apparently I was in the middle of a sentence when I spaced out, so, getting back into swing of things is awkward.

4. Silently whisper "I love you" when she walks into view again. I repeat this step until I'm confident that on some level, she knows.

5. Fall into the dessert line that I see her in, despite the fact I'm really full and do not want any dessert. For lack of a better idea, walk by her and apologize when I almost bump into her. Dejectedly get a chocolate chip cookie.

My strategy is flawed. Somewhere in between the initial sighting and the parting apology, I fail, 9 times out of 9. This is okay, most of the time. Most of the time I find it as entertaining as anyone else. I earned several nicknames this summer, all of them derogatory, but entertaining. Conor O'Brien, King of the Friend Zone. Untouchable. All of this is great. Both of these nicknames are fine. I think the King of the Friend Zone not only refers to my unnatural ability to enter deep friend zone territory in record time, but the fact that I am King. King. Untouchable could possibly refer to how well I fight.

I am the least forward person in the world. A majority of the relationships I've been in have come to me. There's only been one I've actively pursued, and I'll talk on that later. To a large degree, I lead what I call a reactionary life. I do not do things, I only react to things. Obviously this isn't completely true, but it definitely applies to a majority of my romantic life. If you like me, I'll like you. I will look at you in a different light. Now that I've noticed this, I've developed this horrible defense system, where if you like me I automatically look for your flaws and try to not like you. I recognize how dumb this is. I try to fight off that reflex.

The other way things could go is If I like you initially, I will become your friend. Your very good friend. Because I don't know how to become anything else. I'm good at being a friend. I don't want to sound like I'm complaining about platonic friendships. I GUESS THOSE CAN BE OKAY SOMETIMES. Several of the best friendships I've ever had are completely tension free co-ed engagements (but if we're ever to both be suuuuuper drunk or something I'd be willing to make some mistakes with you, Mada Larson) and it's the best. But at the same time I'd like to have another option. A button that allowed me to say the right things and dance and shake my hips and give me a stronger, more pronounced chin. I want a button that allows me to take risks, to do something when I don't know exactly how things will turn out. I wouldn't push that button often. It'd be like a movie. The ghost of my dead father would appear and be like "son, take this button and press it when the time is right" and I'll be like "It'd be really sweet to know what this button did dad" and he'd be like "the answer's in your heeeeart" or something cryptic like that and then he'd fade away. I'd immediately press the button and BAM, pronounced cheekbones and good teeth.

A year ago I was in the best relationship I've ever been in. I was dating a girl who I had become really good friends with towards the end of my junior year, and we started dating over the summer. I had pursued this girl. I wanted to be a part of her life, so I sortof forced my way in. It was a difficult situation, with several things, such as Kentucky, Tennessee, Georgia and her overreaction to Michael Jackson's death in our way, but it was the strongest I'd ever felt about someone. A lot of my close friends know how happy that whole thing made me. I was in love, and then one day I just wasn't. There were a lot of factors involved, again, but it was shocking how fast that was just gone. No one was as dissapointed as I was. Except for maybe her.

I like people, a lot. I like finding new friends and having adventures with them and what have you, but a shocking amount of people just seem uninterested in meeting people. This is a feeling I can't understand. College has been sortof overwhelming thus far, because there are just so many people. This shit is like, 20 times bigger than my middle school. People to the left of me, and wouldn't you fucking know it, people to my right. Whenever I'm throwing a frisbee around with my friends or having dinner with people, I find myself just constantly spacing out and looking around at the people walking by, the people sitting around us. I think it's a very basic form of longing. I want to know them. I want to know who they are. I want to know what they like, what the love, what makes them them. [editors note: I did not want to use italics twice in one paragraph, but if you type "them them" it looks sortof dumb. I hope you understand and forgive my overuse of this technique.] I'm always afraid of walking by someone who could be my best friend, or THE ONE. [editors note: My first instinct was to italicize "the one."]

So I'll keep bumping into people I become inexplicably obsessed with and apologizing, hoping that will translate into conversation. I'll keep looking around nervously as if I'm afraid that someone is hunting me, when in fact it is QUITE THE OPPOSITE. I am the one hunting. I am the hunter. I am.

I'm getting business cards made so I can hand them out to the ladies. They say: "Conor O'Brien. 18 years old. 6 feet tall. Used to be a pretty big deal, back home. Personality overcomes his other drawbacks. Sortof self-absorbed, but at least he tells all those stories about himself and his old friends with flair. Sweats with the best of them."

That'll get em.

WE LOVE THE COMMERICALS COZ THEY ARE GOOD TO US

by Brendan Cavanagh

I don't really like commercials. Other than the fact that they occasionally offer me a welcome bathroom break in the middle of a program. When I'm watching TV I like viewing a full episode or movie to gain a better understanding of the plot or whatever without being harassed by pesky commercials advertising accessories I don't need, much less want. Also, I noticed a couple years ago that most commercials these days try so hard to be funny that they either are hilarious or viable candidates for the most awkwardly unfunny stretch of 30 seconds on TV (why do auto dealers prostitute themselves on TV?). So what I decided to do to enjoy the few minutes of boredom between long stretches of a television program is to pick out the companies that know what they're doing with commercial-writing. Not that this game has anything to do with anything, but at the very least I consider myself able to write a blog about my favorite television commercials.

Buuuuut, I kind of want to limit this post to one specific corporation that consistently wows me with their commercials. And that company is Quiznos. Here is a rather brief, albeit comical chronology of Quiznos commercials I like:

1. Raised By Wolves (2003)

In fifth grade, my buddy and I used to regale ourselves with impressions of the nerdy guy in the first Quiznos commercials I remember seeing. The two of us had formed a solid foundation as friends by memorizing and regurgitating every single line from Rush Hour 2 the year before, if that puts this into better perspective. When I saw this commercial, I just liked it because it was goofy, and I was young and easily amused (unlike the improv troupe). Apparently the strange guy in it is now in The Big Bang Theory (which I had to find out through internet browsing because I watch good shows)

2. Spongemonkeys (2004)

I don't remember if this came out in 2003 or 2004, but for sake of chronology, let's just assume it dropped in '04. This is when I noticed Quiznos was taking a freaky, alternative approach to advertisement. Initially, like everyone else, I thought to myself, "Well, Quiznos is good, but...they're just too weird now." This particular TV spot features what British commercial creator Joel Veitch christened, rather ambiguously, "Spongemonkeys." I don't know where one could locate a Spongemonkey, though I imagine a Quiznos would be nearby. And their diet probably only consists of Quiznos, too, which would contribute to and explain their distorted features and songwriting abilities. As time went on, I soon forgot about the bizarre nature of past Quiznos commercials and move on to appreciate a variety of other quirky and, as is rare, well-written commercials.

3. Put It In Me, Scott (2009)

By 2009, I was an angsty, rebellious, pretentious late teen who wanted edgier commercials with sexually-risque humor, man. Not really. But I was at the age where I could easily identify and understand oft-overlooked sexual innuendo on television. It had been several years since a Quiznos ad stood out to me, so I was pleased when I saw this delightfully toasty commercial featuring Scott, the curious Quiznos employee, and a nympho-maniacal toaster oven. I remember quite a bit of controversy arising over this commercial because it's actually pretty scandalous with its implications that Scott performed some sort of act of fellatio with the oven he probably had gotten to know very well in his months of service at the local Quiznos to make a slight dent in his payments towards eradicating those college loans from a couple years ago.

4. Cats (2010)

If you like super-cute, loquacious kitty cats dressed up as medieval minstrels and wielding brass instruments as they sing about the Quiznos dollar menu (Conor...), then you may still not appreciate this almost psychedelic advertisement. It's so wonderfully bizarre that it makes my Favorite Commercial List (definitely number one for the Quiznos List) and makes me question the lifestyle habits of the people Quiznos hires to make their commercials. Seriously, are their minds addled by repeated hard-drug use? I don't really care, honestly, because their commercials are some of my favorites among the crud that try too hard to be absolutely hilarious.

Ironically, although I purport to be a huge fan of Quiznos, in all actuality I probably haven't had a sub from there since before I saw the "Raised By Wolves" commercial. Clearly all the money they spend on advertising isn't working on people like me, but it does make us laugh once in a while.

My breast implants are hand grenades

Hey folks, it has been a while, hasn't it?

Well over the past couple weeks I've had some time to brainstorm some pretty good ideas for what to write about.

I must've forgotten all of them.

The fact is, I just woke up from a nap that felt damn good as well as damn unproductive. Here at college, every moment I spend not doing things that feel important is a moment that makes me feel like I'm wasting my time. Which is awesome, if you like regretting daily activities and stuff.

Well anyway, I'm not going to do a debate on whether the improv comedy scene in college is more like a competitive sport or a video game. Not yet. In fact, that sentence alone may have been enough to get Allegra to stop reading. But I will include this anecdote about a recent run-in with collegiate improv.

A month or so ago I tried out for the Titanic Players. An improv group important enough to be an intercollegiate group with its own website and multiple troupes that are sub-groups to the whole that is the Titanic Players. They do long-form improv, meaning long scenes focused on character development (my God do they focus on character development) because apparently it's a fool-proof way to be funny. So this was after three auditions turned me down. This was my last audition for the year. I had to do well. And I did. I did do well. I was funny. People laughed when I spoke, which I felt like was a good sign for me. Apparently not, however, as I did not get in to the troupe when they announced who had made it. You know who did make it? Nick Dietrich. Cuz that dude is funny. Also he is good at taking a character and monologuing with said character for an extended period of time.

Anyway, that isn't the point, this is. They encouraged us who didn't make it to e-mail the improv professional who worked auditions and was always willing to give people feedback and see some things we could improve on in the future. I did. I e-mailed him for feedback, anxious to see what I did that led them to scratch me from their list of possible members. Mada didn't e-mail him, because she was frustrated into not caring so much. Or something, I don't REALLY know. Well a couple days later Mada gets an e-mail from the guy. He said she was hilarious and he thinks she should have made it. I don't doubt it one bit, cuz that ho be funny. Dogg. So I didn't, get an e-mail back. Which was cool.

Until three days ago. And do you wanna know what it said? It ranted for three paragraphs that, in picking members for an improv troupe, there are prerequisite things that a troupe like Titanic looks for on a gender and age level. They said that they a decent amount of freshmen and a couple juniors, so sophomores often time get squeezed because they can audition another year. Which sucks, but not for me. I don't get why he told me this. He said there was nothing wrong in particular with my audition, but that I should keep improvising. Also, conveniently for me, he's teaching a six-week class that costs just $100 dollars that should improve my improv skills (okay Carl Weathers). What bullshit. That's it? I waited from September 12 to October 11 for some bullshitty response like that? Cool. I hope your product sells, bud. I told Mada and Nick about it on Facebook and they were also bewildered by the lack of relevance in that e-mail.

Then Mada let me know that she had received the exact same e-mail. Which was weird, because she didn't ask for feedback in the first place, but also had already been e-mailed by the guy.

That is boarshit.

Anyway, that's not even what this muhh fucka about! I gots mo' to say! (what, what!)

I will proceed to rant about five TV shows that I adore (none of which are It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia).

1. Arrested Development

Greatest cast ever assembled for a tv show? My vote says "YEA".

Okay, let's just say if you haven't seen this show then you're missing out on some respect that I could have for your comedic tastes. It is hilarious to an obnoxious degree. The show is funny from every angle, the characters, the quips, the editing, the recurring jokes (my God the recurring jokes), the plot points, and even lands some points for pun humor (solid as a rock!).

This show was cancelled on Fox after three (2.5, really) seasons that were loaded with critical acclaim and stark commentary from the show's followers. There was just one problem, as a week-to-week show, AD doesn't work as well. Simply because you have a week to forget all the hilarious subtleties that you get from watching 6 episodes back to back. The show builds on itself like nothing I've ever seen. It has yet to be paralleled or even approached by another show in terms of its hilarity. If you haven't already, watch this fucking show. It will make you a happier, smarter person. Plus you'll know that I'm joking when I wear cut-off jeans and refuse to take all of my clothes off at any time.

2. Community

This show is for real. It's new, just beginning its second season. It's got a great blend of characters that aren't typical of American TV. It's main protagonist, Jeff Winger (played by Joel McHale, that guy from The Soup who I promise is funny) is a hotshot asshole lawyer who has to go to community college because his law degree that he got at Columbia wasn't legitimate. Apparently he had to get on in America too. Not to mention the great Chevy Chase and hilarious Donald Glover and whoever the hell plays Abed. With a couple nice slampieces (most disrespectful word ever? I think so) and other quirky and original characters, this show has plenty to offer in terms of entertainment value. Watch it on NBC Tuesdays at like 8 or something. You'll laugh your heart off. This show has a lot of potential.

Plus where else can you get this kind of gold?

3. Scrubs

This show. My first love. My first girlfriend. My favorite toy. My best friend. I started watching freshman year of high school (when it got syndicated onto Comedy Central, like everyone else). With two episodes on per day I was able to watch ten episodes in a week. Then WGN and CW got Scrubs syndicated to their networks and I was able to watch four to six episodes of Scrubs every day. That is why I didn't do well in school for a while.

More than bromance, this is guy love.

The characters in this show are great. Quirky and dynamic, at least for a while. This series produced five or so great seasons of hilarious and interesting comedic gold laced with drama and emotional ups and downs that were bearable due to the supplementary amount of comedy. Eventually the show tilted more toward the dramatic and unrealistic, and it spiraled into a parody of itself. Like many shows (Curb Your Enthusiasm, The Office, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia) its characters began developing into their niches instead of in a realistic manner. That's hard to do as a series. I don't really know what examples I could think of other than the first half of this show. Watching Turk and J.D. grow and develop was oh so adorable. That show brings waves upon waves of nostalgia when I see it on TV nowadays because its one of the only shows of which I've seen every episode. Scrubs, I love you, and I'll always be there for you.

4. Dragonball Z

Say what you want about this show. You're probably right. It does spend hours over the course of the series cliffhanging and affirming things that anyone who is over the age of 12 can understand the first (or second, third or hopefully fourth) time around. It does have several episodes where it is hard to point out a substantial thing that happened. Also it's a cartoon for nine-year olds. BUT DON'T TELL ME IT ISN'T BADASS. Watching seasons at a time is great because it's basically a nine hour movie that builds to a climax that is so awesome because of how much was invested into it. I already made a whole post about this show, so I won't go on forever. But, I will re-mention this because it is so true that it's worth mentioning again.

Don't fuck with this kid. He's eleven.

Goku is the purest form of good I have ever seen. As a pure heart, he is flawless. He seriously, in my mind, sets the bar for a perfect soul. He is as happy-go-lucky as can be. He is everyone's friend. He is impossible to hate, unless he stands in-between you and universal domination. He turns down being wished back from the dead in order to keep the planet safe. He has instilled this gene into his son, Gohan who has it to an amplified degree. Gohan is like his dad in his happy-go-lucky nature, he's more studious than I. But he has a ticking point where if you hurt his friends, he fucking snaps. He doesn't just snap, he fucking snaps. As in, if he's getting his ass kicked, suddenly he goes Super Saiyan 2 and starts chopping the heads off of galactically powerful impish (annoying) fuckers. It is especially awesome to watch if you've seen him struggle for the last 35 episodes with the concept of self-belief and doubting whether he can handle the weight of being in-between the bad guys and world destruction. I would go gay for Gohan. And Dee Brown. Let's stop this list here.

5. South Park

This show is fucking hilarious. Matt Stone and Trey Parker are geniuses. I can never appreciate this show enough. On its umpteenth season and still going strong, I am just now starting to grasp how consistently hilarious this show is. It was never a show I got addicted to or anything, but it's a show that, every time I watched it, I'd laugh my ass off. South Park is worthy of watching every episode but, like Scrubs, it isn't worthy of owning. Simply because you don't need to. Anytime I feel like watching South Park, it's on. Comedy Central shows it all the time because of how great it is. Also the CW is now showing episodes, so there's another outlet for you to see it. Not to mention that, like all tv shows, you can find it online if you're smart at all.

Anyway I just had to mention that, since I've been cramped up here in this dorm, I've been watching a lot more South Park, and it's always really funny.

The wackiest of hijinxes

The thing about TV is that it's always a waste of time. I just am happy to say I've found five of the least self-loathement inducing (there's gotta be a better way to word that) methods to watching television. My number one piece of advice: pick your shows, and stick with them. There isn't enough time in a day to watch everything good on television. Leave room for expansion, but by golly not much. And for the love of God don't waste your time watching Jersey Shore. Those shows literally make you dumber.

Anyway I don't have a witty comment or good way to end this post. So I'll just end it like a Skype call. Those always end so underwhelmingly. I don't know why but everytime I hang up a Skype call I fee like so much has been taken from me too quickly. It's so abrupt. I don't feel that way with phone calls or chat messaging. Hm.

--Eliot Sill

Is there such a thing as too much music?

-Mada "the biz" Larson

The other day my dad was telling me about how he was thinking of buying my mother an mp3 player. He was doing some research and was trying to find the best deal out there for "a good little device". Why don't you just get an iPod? was my response. He said my mom didn't need one. This confused me. i pointed out that iPods were top of the line technoloy, were extremely sturdy and came with a ridiculous amount of storage. My dad's response? "You and Allegra live and die by those things. This is just for when mom gets the urge to listen to some music." And he was right.

I do live and die by my ipod.
Last night I needed something to fall asleep to so I went to bed with my ipod set to the 15 minute sleep timer.
This morning I needed something to wake me up so i turned on my itunes while I got ready.
Riding my bike and walking to class are such mundane activities that I can't imagine doing them without a soundtrack.
When I'm in a hurry and end up grabbing my lunch by myself I put in my headphones for entertainment as well as to show everyone around me that I'm not lonely I'm just independent and can enjoy my own time. You don't need to sit down and introduce yourself. I'M FINE.
After class I decided to go on a run and needed something to pump me up and keep me going to I blasted my Kesha playlist the whole way.
When I'm doing homework that doesn't require a lot of reading you can bet that my itunes is doing work too.
And you know what I'm going to do when I go to bed? Probably set my ipod to the 15 minute sleep timer and drift off.

I've always thought of music as something you cannot live without. It's art, it's pure and it goes well with pretty much anything. But am I too plugged in? Is listening to music an absurd amount of time each day keeping me from appreciating my surroundings? From meeting new people? Is it making me too removed from my own situation? Possibly. Very possibly.

I have a proposition for all of you. Put away your ipod for a bit. Let that baby rest. See what a day not glued to it is like. Listening to a new band is awesome, but meeting a new friend is awesomer.

Grunlik - A TROLL IS NOTHING WITHOUT HIS BRIDGE

When one encounters a horrible troll, how does one judge him? Do you think that they are impressed by his foul stench, by the ugliness of his warts, or by the cleverness of his riddles? IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK, FOOLISH HUMAN? I assert that, nay, a troll should be judged by the beauty of his bridge. THIS IS WHY GRUNLIK KEEPS HIS BRIDGE BEAUTIFUL.

So many trolls in this day and age let their bridges fall into grimy disuse. THESE ARE INFERIOR TROLLS AND I WILL CRUSH THEM. When a human needs to cross a bridge, they do not cross the slimy, ramshackle bridges. They want to cross sturdy and clean bridges. THIS IS WHY THEY CROSS GRUNLIK'S BRIDGE.

And once they have ventured halfway across my bridge, then Grunlik can appear from underneath and tell Grunlik's riddle. And Grunlik can see the intimidation in their eyes. THEY FEAR GRUNLIK. They see that Grunlik has the cleverest riddle, the hairiest warts, and, most importantly, the most beautiful bridge.

GRUNLIK'S BRIDGE IS SO BEAUTIFUL

Many inferior trolls do not take care of their bridges. Grunlik would like to ask these trolls, "HOW DO YOU FEEL WHEN A BEAUTIFUL MAIDEN CROSSES YOUR BRIDGE?" When a beautiful maiden crosses Grunlik's bridge, he knows that she respects Grunlik because of Grunlik's excellent bridge. GRUNKLIK'S BRIDGE IS THE BEST OF ALL BRIDGES.

However, still no maidens want to stay under Grunlik's bridge with Grunlik. WHY DO MAIDENS NOT CARE FOR GRUNLIK? GRUNLIK IS THE HANDSOMEST OF TROLLS. Many maidens pass over Grunlik's bridge, but they do not want to stay with Grunlik. Many answer Grunlik's riddle and move on with their stick-like human knight. HE CANNOT PROTECT YOU. HE IS SKINNY LIKE A STICK. GRUNLIK COULD SNAP HIS BODY LIKE A CANDY CANE. Many times they cannot answer Grunlik's riddle, and Grunlik has to gobble them up. This makes Grunlik sad because they are so pretty, and they have no meat on their bones so they are tough and chewy.

GRUNLIK HAS RAN OUT OF WORDS TO SAY. Grunlik does not understand why you humans write so many words.

GRUNLIK'S BRIDGE IS THE GREATEST BRIDGE. TAKE CARE OF YOUR BRIDGES. HUMAN MAIDENS SHOULD PUT SOME MEAT ON THEIR BONES FOR WHEN GRUNLIK GOBBLES THEM UP.

SLIMELY YOURS,
GRUNLIK
(-Nick.)

Why I Don’t Work Out, Eat Right, Study Enough, Or Shower Every Day

Robert Langellier

 

It won’t matter. No matter what I do, I will never experience the kind of love that my friend has found.

My friend’s name is Garrett, he wrote for Guest Week last week, and he’s an asshole. Don’t let the pure-spirited friendliness, warm smile or genuine intentions fool you; his girlfriend’s name is Molly, they have been in love for five months and 29 days, and they are both giant tools.

Excerpts from Facebook:

"Dear Garrett,
You are asleep right now and i'm about to go to bed but i just wanted you to know that meeting you was by far the best thing that has ever happened to me. The first time i ever saw you I prayed that one day i would be able to meet you at least once. And now i cannot imagine my life without you. I love you with all of my heart and i cannot wait for the airport. Once i have you back in my arms there is no way i will ever let you go. I hope you are sleeping well and that you feel better in the morning. Or at least i hope this message makes you feel a little better. Kiss kiss my love
Molly"

"Dear Molly,
I got over 11 hours of sleep and am feeling much better today. Our talk yesterday gave me a lot of time to think and now that I've slowly convinced myself that I can't be superman, it's going to be much easier to not sit here and stress myself over the edge. Ever since I saw you sophomore year I wanted to just be able to say hi to you, and now that I've finally gotten the chance I didn't want to mess that up, but I know now that I can't, so I can stop working myself to death and just concentrate on coming home to you in one piece. I love you more than anything and am counting down the days until I'm back at that airport. 45 days, 8 hours. And I have good news for you later today :)

 

I hate this. I do. It’s disgusting. They’re so emotionally slutty with each other. The only thing worse than this is the undeniable fact that it’s cute as shit. Most people would have judged the daylights out of this couple from the few Facebook quotes up there (yes, they talk like that in person, too). I would judge it too, if I weren’t witness to its extremely public splendor. See, this is not “one of those couples.” You know what I’m talking about.

“Those couples.” The ones that include that girl who falls in love with everything with a sizeable dick and a dollar bill or that guy who’s so in love with falling in love that he thinks he’s fallen in love with every girl that struts by him. “Those couples.”

Molly + Garrett — Gally? Marret? Margaret? — are actually in love. I know this because deep down I’m not grossed out by their Facebook sex. I love seeing it. I Like it at every opportunity to click my approval on it. They talk openly about their unbelievably premature marriage plans. They generally prefer the company of their faces on a computer screen to the company of real humans. I am often completely ignored when I enter his room during a Skype session (we’re real friends though – I double checked). He has a custom mug sitting on his countertop with her face on it. You know. Real love.

My problem is not that I don’t like seeing it happen. My problem is that it makes me look bad. Like what the fuck, guys, stop. You’re 18. I’m 19. Readers, you’re probably under 20. I don’t talk about getting married. What the hell even is that? Marriage is for people who are my dad and my mom. I still treat girls like I’m in kindergarten. I throw rocks and things at them to show my affection. Look at Hannah. She’s my girlfriend that I abuse. What if she met Garrett? Girls like to be treated right, and he actually provides that. What an asshole.

Another problem is that Hannah has met Garrett. We Skype double-date sometimes, me and Hannah and Garrett and Molly. Cute in theory, but really it’s only cute from the right side of the room, because their puppy talk makes me and Hannah’s affectionate ridiculing of each other look kind of platonic. I don’t want a platonic girlfriend. I just want to yell at her for insignificant things without looking like a dick all the time.

Let’s be honest. We can all pretend that we’re happy that this kind of destined love exists somewhere, and that maybe it too is in our own futures. That, like Conor Oberst said, “I love their love and I am thankful / that someone actually receives the prize that was promised / by all those fairy tales that drugged us.” Fuck that. Drake’s more popular. I’m doing me, and Garrett’s ruining my chances with his womanly romance. My god, he’s so chaste. In 2010. So is Molly. I had to look up “chaste” online to double-check what that word even means. Damn it.

So how can we ever compete?

My battle plan is extraordinarily complex. I am not giving up, never. Instead, I intend to utilize mediums such as Classic Brian to advertise Garrett Richie of Room 710, Mark Twain Hall in Columbia, Missouri to the widest female audience I can, hopefully then inciting a widespread swooning of girls around him, instigating a terrifying breakup, and therefore ironically proving, by attracting all females to Garrett, that even the most dedicated love is futile, thereby bringing him down to our level. If I cannot be the best, I will destroy the best. Good luck to you, Garrett. #