Thursday night I was hanging out with Classic Brian, Wednesday Eliot, Monday Nick, and our less-significant-because-they-don't-write-for-Classic-Brian-friends Tynan and Caitlin, when a sad truth dawned on us.
Looks like we're going to have to fight the Wu-Tang clan in a gang fight.
We could spend our time trying to avoid this fate, saying "No, Conor, there has to be some other way" or "try to talk it out" or "the Wu-Tang Clan has done nothing to earn your fury" but it would be no use. This must happen. Somehow I always knew it was going to come to this. Somehow I always knew that it was going to be us or them.
"Us" being this very specific group of my friends who happened to be in the same room Thursday night.
"Them" being hip-hop collective Wu-Tang clan.
According to Wikipedia the Wu-Tang clan is a highly influential hip hop group from New York. There are 8 core members of the Wu-Tang clan not including the late Ol' Dirty Bastard, and there are lots of other rappers associated with the clan, but bullshit, Wu-Tang clan, if you think we're going to let them enter this gang fight. Have you no honor. You already outnumber us by 2.
So let's set out some rules. There must be some order in this chaos.
NO FIREARMS - Yeah, no guns. 10 points deduced for every shot fired.
KNIVES ARE OKAY, KNIVES ARE FINE - I accept that this fight will be to the death, and I don't like the idea of having to beat a fool named Inspectah Deck to death with my fists. I want it to be quick.
IT SHOULD PROBABLY HAPPEN AT NIGHT IN A DRAMATICALLY LIT ALLEYWAY PROBABLY - I'm thinking a blueish tint, with a harsh yellow light sortof bleeding in from the street.
THE FIGHT SHOULD LAST NO LONGER THAN 2 MINUTES AND 50 SECOND AND IT SHOULD BE SOUNDTRACKED BY THIS - Well I got the main idea here out of the way in the bold, underlined print.
Let's take a good look at our crew. (What should we name our crew?)
Weight: Somewhere in the 90 pound range
Height: Around 5'6"?
Fighting Style: Timid, Bird-like
Pros: Fearless, Has Killed Before
Cons: Approval Seeking, Would Probably Show Up To The Fight 15 Minutes Late/Leave Early
Weight: Also probably somewhere in the 90 pound range
Height: 5'10", 5'11"?
Fighting Style: The Annoyed Crab
Pros: Has Been Working Out A Lot This Year, Brilliant Tactician, A Robot, Unfeeling and Unemotional
Cons: Would Probably Get Our Crew Mocked By Skipping Around
(It should be something tough, like Da Kool Kidz or something.)
Weight: Probs like 250kg
Height: Height is a useless category
Fighting Style: Detached Criticism
Pros: There Is Literally No Way The Wu-Tang Clan Would Be Able To Beat Tynan In An Argument, His Dad's A Doctor
Cons: He Might Not Take It Terribly Seriously Even Though It's A Real Gang Fight With Real Death
Weight: The Ideal Weight
Height: The Ideal Height
Fighting Style: Winning
Pros: Our Star Player, Has A Six Pack, Really Pretty
(Das Kool Kidz. Done.)
Fighting Style: Confusion
Pros: Hostile, Quick, Probably Most Familiar With the Wu-Tang Clans Music
Cons: Poor At Communicating, Will Probably Make Terrible, Unforgivable Puns
Weight: Right around that 90 pound range we were talking about
Height: 6 feet mutha fuckaaaa
Fighting Style: Over-Confidence
Pros: Willing To Bring Guns Even Though I Said No Guns
Cons: My Ultimate Frisbee Skillz Are Probably Less Transferable Than I Believe Them To Be
I'm going to admit I'm not terribly familiar with the work of this "clan," but from the light research I've been doing I've drawn up an rough plan.
First and foremost, we need to get rid of the two killas. Both Ghostface Killa and Masta Killa have intimidating names that scare me, so they're done. After that Inspectah Deck and U-God need to go, I feel like they're probably wild cards.
RZA and GZA are probs brothers judging from their names, so if we take down one the other will probably be filled with unbelievable anger, so why don't we see if we can get them simultaneously.
Method Man and Raekwon, iunno. I see them being sortof the cheerleaders of the group. They probably won't get their hands too dirty.
I'm getting excited just talking about it.
Let's just do this! Are you guys free tomorrow night?
I know the perfect alleyway.