Pinch Hitter

[Editor's Note: Hey all, I was tired of thinking of things to say and shit so Zane Thompson is filling in for me today on Classic Brian. I don't know what we'll get and he probably doesn't either.]


Note: This is NOT supposed to be a religious or political rant…we’ll see*

When I was in 6th grade at the wonderful Franklin Middle School, my World History teacher (the wonderfully creepy track coach) Mr. Flohr made us turn in current events every Friday. At the time I blew them off and always made everything up, but looking back this class marked the first time that I had ever really cared about the world around me.

These days I make it a habit to at least read the cover articles of the New York Times and USA Today every morning. I find it extremely important to know what’s going on with my fellow citizens of the world. I want to make it clear that the word “fellow” is very important in that sentence. Regardless of religious beliefs, race, gender, or any of that other shit you have to answer for a census, we have all been put on this Earth TOGETHER. Why would your religion condone killing another human being because of their own different beliefs? How does this make sense in context with any other doctrine, and I am in no way singling out Islam right now, although they seem to be the most noticeably hostile religion at the moment. For thousands of years people have enslaved and killed other people on behalf of their religion, whether it be the Egyptians enslaving the Jews, the Spanish Inquisition, or the jihad taking place around the world today. Why????? What happened to the human brain that makes us forget how we all really got here in the first place? Whether you believe in evolution or creation or reincarnation it does not change the fact that we are all brothers and sisters. Nothing, NOTHING changes that fact. We are all born on the same level, we all are given a piece of paper and told to fill our life out on it however we so choose. So why is it that not every person chooses to live in peace, to respect all other citizens of the world just how they would respect their mom. Every human life is as valuable as the next, so why do so many people make it their goal to make others’ life so damn difficult? Life is a blank slate, there are no rules or creeds that any person is required to live by, and no one ever has the right to try and choose the RIGHT path. 


I asked Eliot to let me write this in light of the recent uprisings in the Middle East, namely Libya. It just astounds me that a leader of a country can possibly use violence on his own people in order to keep meaningless power. Even more troubling for me is the fact that there are people working under him that are willing to look their fellow countrymen in the eyes and then proceed to spray a machine gun into their crowd. Sure, this sort of violence is nothing new and in a historical context is mild, but it just makes no fucking sense. Why did Gadhafi ever CHOOSE to rule with such an iron fist? Why did he not choose to allow his people to live freely. As Kanye said, “No one man should have all that power.” No one, even an elected official, should have the right to tell me that I need to live a less pleasant life just because they say so. Where do the Chinese get off setting a limit on the amount of children a family is allowed to have. Doing so is suggesting that those at the top of the government making the decisions were given some sort of innate power to limit the freedom of fellow human beings. More importantly, why do these leaders make these decisions? When did a lack of compassion for another’s well-being become such a chronic problem?


Unfortunately, no country is more to blame in my mind than the United States of America. The political battles these days are always advertised as good vs. bad battles between the Democrats and Republicans, depending on what side you’re on. Yet take a closer look and the misuse of power is astonishing. Several of the prominent issues these days should not only be non-issues by now, but they should have never been issues in the first place. Who are any of us to tell any homosexual that they aren’t allowed to marry? How can any man or woman who claims to have any resemblance of a heart and soul deny another man or woman the right to be happy. People this is the 21st century, science has all but proved that being gay is not a choice. Gay is not a choice just like being born with one leg is not a choice, but a one legged straight man is still able to marry and enjoy all the financial safeties that come with it. If California allows its citizens to vote down gay marriage, can they also vote away all Hispanics? Republicans take such an unconstitutional stance on the matter that it’s a joke. The Constitution explicitly states that Church and State must be separated. So then how can Republicans rightfully defend the ban of gay marriage, when their only defense is based on the fact that they believe the Bible outlaws homosexuality. That in itself is combining Church and State. Every politician needs to think about what is best for the citizens of their nation, and in many cases citizens of the world, before they make any decisions. Political stances should not and cannot be based off of religious beliefs. Simple, as clear cut as something can possibly be.


Same thing with abortion. Until an argument can be made that doesn’t involve religious beliefs, than abortion NEEDS to be legal. No old Southern Republican should be against a 15 year old girl who made a mistake one night, having an abortion. Every one has the right to choose, because without this right we are all slaves to man made rules and religions. Holding political power does not give a person the power to choose the way another person has to live their life. Once again they need to all just stop and think, is this what is best for my people, the human being. Republicans seem to be very out of touch with this doctrine these days, and it’s sad because it’s leading to even greater threats like the Tea Party and others on the far left are not excluded from this as well.


I hate the fact that every person has to be a part of a group. I hate that as someone who was born in the United States without any choice in the matter, I am expected to be blindly patriotic and continuously affirm and prove my belief that USA is number one. Sure, I root for the United States to do well in the World Cup and whatnot, but I was born on planet Earth. I fully consider myself a citizen of the world first, and my theory is that if everyone felt this way the world would be a much safer and enjoyable place to live. When I’m at an airport and see that there are four men with turbans boarding my plane I can honestly say it has no effect on me. America probably has more people willing to hijack a plane and fly it into a Middle-Eastern building than the other way around. 


“We’re all out here trying to make a living, sometimes we get in each other’s way.” John C. Reilly dropped this wonderful line at the end of a horrific movie named The Promotion. It’s a terrific line, because conflict does happen. Sometimes you do get beat out by someone else for a job or a spot on a team. If we all just stopped and realized that that guy who just beat you out for the job is just trying to make a living the same as any of us are, then a lot of harsh feelings and ill will can be avoided. Apply this to a bigger stage and it still works. Every country need to supply their citizens with oil. If the leaders of these countries were to step back and realize that the worse solution to this problem would be greed and loss of life, then we would no longer be fighting wars over oil. Every human life is as valuable as the next, no man or woman is more important than another, and no one has the right to live otherwise.


--Zane Thompson


*-[Editor's Note: That is exactly what this was.]

What do I want to be?

This is a late post, point taken. But I still haven't gone to sleep and woken up on Thanksgiving so it counts in a way for me. Anyway, the post I was writing earlier got delayed by a bunch of things. I won't explain them if you don't ask.

Here's what I HAD going:

And ya know what pisses me off the most?

Is that there are people that tell me the ONLY way you can get into heaven is by following Jesus Christ (his ways, not the actual guy). That makes me mad, but the worst part is that I've already told them that I'm Christian.

So what do you suppose is the reason they let me know so urgently of this revelation?

Because they want me to go tell other people that they're going to hell. They want me to be that know-it-all asshole who thinks God sent him a secret note containing "The Plan". HE DIDN'T. I DON'T REALLY KNOW. That's why they call it faith.

Everyone should have their own beliefs and be content with them. My brother is in possession of two little Christian comic books that basically say if you don't love Jesus your life is missing its most important aspect. And you're going to hell. And there's nothing you can do about it. Except follow Jesus. They're funny in an "oh my God I sincerely hope this mind bullshit never works on anyone but if it doesn't it's hilarious" kind of way.

Anyway, (sigh), as Thanksgiving approaches rapidly, it's time to decide what we're thankful for, mutter a quick thanks before dinner, and then not worry about it for another year.

Things I'm thankful for: sports, music, my family sectors, turkeys, holidays, fans, heaters, Cloud Strife, hate, people who are better than me, people who are worse than me, irony, black people (all kinds), the word "awesome", other countries, water, marijuana (which, mom, dad, I don't smoke), television, Apple, apples, steak, wind and Sara Matherly.

It's approximately quarter after six as I resume this blog post, and there is still no sign of sun today? What if the sun just didn't come up on Thanksgiving? That'd be hilarious. Well, it's a moot point since undoubtedly the sun has risen between now and the time you laid eyes on this post.

So November, why in the hell are you so damn awful? Everybody hates you. Nobody is ever comfortable during you. It doesn't snow. It just rains. It's fucking cold and it rains. The air is as dry as death, meaning my lips are super duper chapped and it's November's fault. Nothing is ever important about November. The holiday, the sports, the vacation (it's a week off of school. SUCH A TEASE. Give me a real vacation like XMAS break where I get a month off and can do stuff and not just wish I had more time to spend with people I like), or even the specials. Have you ever seen a "Thanksgiving" anything? It's the same product with a turkey in the background. (I'm talking of TV-land here by the way (and no, not the channel)) Everything's just sorta meh. I love Thanksgiving, but it's to commemorate a time when a bunch of people ate a bunch of stuff. That's like throwing a party in honor of that one time me and Rob got really wasted. It's awesome, but it isn't important. Same with the sports, no post-season, no beginning, no end, just middle. Meh.

So what do we have to look forward to?

Everything, because this is our calendar's rock bottom. Every month is better than this one. We're almost out, and we don't have to come back for a long time.

So remember when I was talkin' about religion n stuff up there?

I went to church tonight for the first time since..... well it's been a really long time. It was the most packed our church has been since..... well it's been a really long time since it's been that packed. It reminded me of when I was a kid, as I looked into the congregation to see kids of ages I used to be wasting time in ways I used to waste it. I read a passage during the service, and I realized, I'm an adult now. I'm one of those who understands what's going on. I don't have to fidget for an eternity just to get through a church service. It was weird. But oddly enough, church still sucked. It was boring for the most part and I wished I could be dancing at a rave or something. Or maybe even running. Uy.

So what's this post about? Poor time management and thought organization. I hate it when I come to the keyboard and think "well here we go, let's start writing." I wish I had sermons for you guys once a week. Not about God. Yeah wouldn't that be a cool job to have? Be like a pastor for something that's not a church? (Doesn't make sense--I know, but listen) In the aspect that you spend the first fifteen years of your adult life doin' a bunch of crazy shit, and then spending the rest of your adult life writing about a particular subject and occasionally drawing on the fifteen years of crazy shit you did for inspiration. I want to be a basketball pastor.

The thing is, I love writing for Classic Brian. I wish Classic Brian had a billion and five followers instead of 18 and I never had to work and I was Hugh Hefner and life would be great. So in order to help me reach those dreams, you guys should really start purchasing more of our merchandise. It helps a ton. A lot of you seem to not know that we have merchandise, but we do. It's the compliments I dole out when you give me money. College is expensive. Help a brother out. Now you seem to think I'm running out of things to talk about. Well I am. It's 6:30 leave me alone. You're sleeping and I'm writing. I'd rather be me but I'm obligated to be you.

Next week I'll write about something better. Something awesome. Something... I dunno, SOMETHING.

But let me otherwise be the first to tell you, I hope your Thanksgiving sucks. Why not?

--Eliot Sill