Sunday, November 28, 2010

Adventures in the Labyrinth Part 3: The Final Struggle

--Robert Langellier

For the last four months, I have been locked in a deadly battle of patience between me and a small speeding ticket I received a really super long time ago. Many blows have been struck, many tears have been shed, inanimate objects beaten, time and money wasted, friends killed, etc., since the onset of the war. I often go sleepless for whole nights, constantly alert in fear of a surprise attack by my ticket's minions. There were times I was sure it was going to take my life eventually. The grace of determination, however, allowed me to persevere. The Golden Day, November 30th, or, the Day of Reckoning, or, the final end of the long, difficult struggle, is nearly here. Unfortunately, my ticket has become just as aware of this as I, and it has bucked its ugly, disgusting, paper head one last time...

I thought this was almost over. I knew it was. Nothing could have gone wrong. I had merely to take a 4 hour online driving course at some point this Thanksgiving break, proudly show off my certificate of completion to some tool in the Attorney General's office, and give them lots of my money. Clever judicial system. You used a long period of inactivity to lull me to sleep and birth dreams of judicial convenience. How rudely you awake me with such malicious teeth.

Honestly, your breeching of my castle walls is probably my fault. I waltzed into this online driving course like I deserved the opportunity to pass it. Foolishly did I click with my mouse hundreds of times as a cheesy male voice told me repeatedly that I was an "individual" who needs to make my own responsible decisions behind the wheel. I should have known better. I should have prepared for the blast. I should have protected Java's walls of defense from my ticket's Flashware torpedoes. Why wouldn't Chrome's Flash player repeatedly crash in the middle-to-closing points of every second lesson I attempted? Why wouldn't my "progress chart" repeatedly tell me I've completed 0% of Lesson 2 Section 2 even after it's told me that I've successfully completed that part six times? SILLY ME.

I'm just glad the host site lists an unmonitored email address and a phone number that nobody answers if you need help. If not, I couldn't have spent a large part of two days sleuthing before figuring out that my family's Macintoshes cannot pass the 25-minute Lesson 2 Section 2 for some reason. IDKY.

Now, because of the extra time spent troubleshooting, I've been forced to stay in Springfield an extra school day to lie in wait for my time to pounce - Monday, the day the General's office reopens. This is my final chance to end this nightmare. This is the final struggle. As I type this, I have just completed Traffic School. I expect my printer to break and/or explode tomorrow morning. I expect my USB ports to continue not functioning, as they haven't all year. I expect to have taken the wrong Traffic School course and to have only $204.50 left in my bank account. I expect to be caught speeding on the way to the General's office.

Tomorrow I wake up early, at the crack of 9:00am. I armor up and make a sacrifice to the gods in preparation for battle. I take a deep breath and head downtown to see just how much more pain a traffic violation can do me. I expect it to be a lot, and I expect this to not be over for a long time to come. There. Undermine my expectations now, ticket. Come on. Do your worst. I'll be ready, money and blame ready to be thrown every which way in a hellstorm of nagging irritation. I will kill you.


  1. VICTORY UPDATE: A New Beginning

    As of 11am ET this morning, my struggle was won. My ticket, exhausted of ammunition, fell valiantly on the field of battle. I admit it fought bitterly to the bitter, bitter end. As I lift my pen from it's stilled corpse, I look up at the newly risen sun. I can't help but think that with each rise to come, new adventures will follow, dangerous in nature and epic in scope. I face the new dawn with trepidation, new wisdom, and a steady, watchful eye. I can't wait to see what lies around the bend for me.