Caligula Was Assassinated In the Same Vein as Julius Caesar (LOL!)

by Brendan Cavanagh



I am by no means a very sexy guy. I mean, I've had a couple girlfriends (literally), and I've always been pretty good at engaging girls in conversation, but I've never really been the type to successfully attract women left and right. However, there have been a small number of bizarre incidents in which I've had a girl practically throw herself at me, consistently resulting in sheer awkwardness for both parties.

It all started when I was two, when I attended the Gingerbread House daily, a day care that doubled as a delectable holiday treat on the weekends. One day as I sat aloof, building multicolored, realistically unstable skyscrapers out of blocks, a little girl approached me with a look in her eyes not unlike Mary's from Shaun of the Dead. I couldn't figure out what that look exactly indicated- intense lust or a massive craving for human flesh? Maybe...BOTH? I don't remember the scuffle that ensued, but I know I came out nursing a bloody bite mark on my cheek. I don't know what sort of mixed-up relationship advice her Furby gave her, but she definitely had some issues to work out, and not just in time-out.

My disastrous encounters with girls did not end there, though. While touring colleges across the Midwest with my cousin and his family a couple summers ago, we spent a night in the sleepy, Bizarro city of Greencastle, Indiana. The town contained Depauw University, a tiny movie theater and a Dairy Queen knockoff, the Dairy Castle. After getting settled in the hotel, my cousin and I headed down to the lobby to pick up Stranger Than Fiction from the DVD collection behind the front desk Immediately afterward, my cousin was assaulted by Claudia, the no-nonsense Latina who dated her professor, and barraged with advice on how to choose the right college and facts about herself. I decided to kill some time by chatting with the concierge, 22-year-old Felicia. It started off causally, as I asked her if she had seen Stranger Than Fiction. Soon the subject matter of our conversation morphed from shallow movie opinions to careers, aspirations and money. Felicia was really digging me- I could see it in her eyes- and I was at the height of my flirtatious conversational prowess! I had her wrapped around my finger, until I fouled it up when we discussed being self-sufficient. Picture it:


Brendan: "Yeah it's nice to be self-sufficient for once-"

Felicia: (Lustful eyes, large smile)

Brendan: "I mean, I've been working at Cold Stone for, like, four months and I'm making quite a bit of money now- probably because I over-schedule myself!"

Felicia: (Smile wanes)

Brendan: (Aware of mistake, but determined) "But, you know, the extra hours are worth it because I need to save some money for college-"

Felicia: (Bemused expression)

Brendan: "-because my parents can't pay for it themselves, and I can't rely on them for everything. I basically survive on my tips, so I don't need my parents to give me too much right now, other than shelter and...food...and funding for high...school."

Felicia: (Smile gone) "Um...how old are you?"

Brendan: (Totally resigned) "I am 16."

Felicia: (While checking her e-mail) "Oh...just make sure to have the movie back by tomorrow."



This situation proved to be much more awkward when later that night I was forced to ask Felicia for a bottle of air freshener after a natural disaster took place in our bathroom.

Then in the Fall of that year, I attended a bonfire at my buddy's house, at which many of my friends and classmates were present. As I left, this girl in my class said goodbye and gave me a hug. As I pulled away to go, I noticed her eyes were closed and her lips puckered up for a kiss. I was shocked- there was no indication at all that sexual tension was present or that she desired a kiss. I just sort of stared at her and said, "What are you doing?" She opened her eyes with a jerk, realizing what she had done, and said, "Oh my God. I'm so sorry!" and quickly ran off.

Being the Apollo Rocket of Love that I am, I have unsurprisingly been involved in many more of these awkward situations. And I'm sure there are many to come. Can you imagine what it'll be like when I start dating seriously? Imagine how awkward my marriage is going to be!