Sunday, January 16, 2011

Robert - Squirrels

The universe validated my decision to write about squirrels this morning by immediately presenting me with two of them making sweet, sweet forced love. It is important to make a continual visual comparison between squirrels and humans as you read about squirrel sex.

First off, as a side note, let's establish that squirrels might be the most underrated common animal on the planet. They're everywhere, they're eccentric, they're untouchable, and they're endlessly adorable. Yes they're kind of like rats. I know. But if rats acted like squirrels I would replace all of my floors with cheese. Okay, let's get to the dirty action.

A rustling in the leaves

I was minding the business of a little squirrel chewing on a nut by an oak tree this morning, thinking about a time when I watched one destroy a nut on the quad recently. Shortly, my gaze wandered about ten feet to my right, to the trunk of the oak, where I saw another squirrel trying to bust one on a third squirrel in the early afternoon daylight. Sorry, original squirrel. You're suddenly less interesting. A tiny cluster of spectators was also noticing, oogling like little girls over the scene, apparently star-struck, maybe taking notes? I chose to watch stoically, with a deep respect for nature and a determination to avoid nut jokes,* and took illustrated notes.

Vertical Radical

They were doing it on a tree trunk. Holy crap, because tree trunks are vertical. I completely understand that squirrels have claws, but that does little to negate the fact that they were having sex on the wall. Maybe he didn't finish. Maybe she was unimpressed by his performance. Doesn't matter, they still have something write home about. I assume Original Squirrel has been to some wild squirrel parties; he remained unfazed by a) sex happening right by him and b) wall sex happening period.

How to court, defeat, and rape your partner

It was an adorable and fuzzy potential rape. I couldn't really tell if it was or not, but I was too cutesied to notify squirrel authorities anyway. They grappled, fought, submitted, and dominated. They did their business on all levels of trunk and limb. That's the equivalent of having sex in every room of your house at once. Or chasing a girl around your house and then raping her. I noted that it kind of sucks to not have real vocal cords, because playful foreplay and desperate struggling kind of look the same if you're a squirrel. Maybe the man squirrel didn't even know he was raping her. That would be hilarious. I still wish I was a squirrel.

Things got a little weird when they started making direct eye contact with me. I decided to go with my animal instinct, so I did not back down. I cleansed all weakness from my system and played the impossible-to-win staring game that you play with your pets, except your pets aren't having sex. This is my favorite part of the squirrel->human comparison. If this ever happens with people, I'm determined to maintain the same course of action.

The Gender Question

This does come into play. I reference "man squirrel" only as the victor and "girl squirrel" as second place in the sex battle. What! you're saying to yourself right now. Manimals have sex with the females, not the other way around! I will paint the scene a little more clearly to illuminate why this is an issue.


This may just be a display of animal dominance, or territorialism, or foreplay, but I prefer to think of them as gay squirrels. Most of the animal kingdom seems pretty pigeonholed in a standard, straight-edge, Circle of Life sex mentality. It would be nice to see some squirrels out there brave enough to stop hiding behind evolution's expectations for once.

A happy ending I'm pretty sure

After a long morning of tantric, public sex or rape, it's nice to be able to relax at the end. High on an upper bough, the two lovebirds perched, victor on top of girl squirrel, cuddling, reflecting on the day to come and their plans for the future. At this point my interest in voyeurism had come to a close. I waved goodbye to my ten-minute friends and with a wink apologized for my blatant intrusion on the most intimate moment of their animal lives.

The moral

Even rape can be made okay with a little atmosphere. Just add fur.

*Oh my god I already made one in this post


  1. Of that entire post, the term "girl squirrel" stood out as the funniest part for some reason, as in it got audible laughter in an empty room.