Monday, May 9, 2011

Hanukkah Harold - What's All This 'Santa Claus' Business?

I've been putting your presents under the tree since you were an infant, and suddenly you're all about this "Santa Claus" character. Well, I've got news for you, pal. There's no overweight guy climbing down your chimney, except to the extent that I've gained a few pounds these last couple years. It's been me making your Hanukkah celebrations jolly, not some guy in a goofy red suit.

I mean, you've gotta be fucking kidding me.

I've been nice. I've been real nice. I was lenient enough to give you presents even though you didn't even light your Menorah. And you certainly haven't been saying your traditional Hanerot Halalu hymn as you light the candles. And for the love of YHWH, couldn't you at least try to eat kosher and restrain yourself from becoming unclean in the eyes of God?

But even after all of my forgiveness, you invent some fat, jingly old man who flies around with some fancy animals.

I know I don't look as interesting as this made up "Santa," character, but a little gratitude would be nice.
Listen, I know you think the idea of a guy coming down your chimney is more fun than anything I can do. But don't you think it's at least a little impressive that I deliver presents to everybody in the world through sheer force of will and belief in our divine Lord? Surely that must count for something.

And what's all this tree decorating? I don't get it. It seems like you're far more enamored in decorating this silly tree than saying your daily prayers. And I've noticed you haven't even been observing Shabbat recently! How ungrateful.

That leads me to another point: you're celebrating Hanukkah on the wrong day entirely! Aren't you aware that the Festival of Lights lasts eight days? Yet here you are, every year, celebrating it on the 25th of December like a fool. I almost pity you, in a way.

So please, if you don't want to make me cry with your sheer ignorance to the will of God, practice your Mitzvah for next year. If you don't, I might have to put you on my naughty list.

And you don't want to be on my naughty list. Don't make me call Mohel Mark.

-Hanukkah Harold

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