Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Scarier than zombies

So the other day I was sittin' around ponderin'. The usual. I was all by my lonesome, lettin' my imagination wash over myself and here's what came to mind:



The mall would just be one big cluster fuck of headless mannequins. Fuck that shit. Terrifying.

However, more terrifying would be the ridiculous number of Lincolns running around. Seriously, we have so many goddamn Lincolns. Lincolns from Lincoln's tomb, at least three busts of Lincoln that I know about would suddenly be given the power of speech, all those wax Lincolns in the museum, the terrifying terminator Lincoln outside of the library, just hordes of Lincolns storming the streets of Springfield.

As I sat around thinkin' about Lincoln I realized that with all these Lincolns in the same place there was bound to be a battle. A Lincoln battle royale. Now I'm not going to try to act like I know how that would play out. I'm not going to try to sit here and give you a story of what would happen but i do have a few thoughts on the subject:

1. Lincoln Library Terminator Lincoln is clearly fucking terrifying. There are also two more statues by the same artist in town; a buffalo and a big ass elk. I'm assuming that terminator buffalo and terminator deer would flank terminator Lincoln as he destroyed everything in sight. Whoa!

2. Let's talk about Presidential Museum John Wilkes Booth for a minute. He just woke up in his own personal hell. Oh, and look at that. Lincoln army is approaching. And they look pissed.

3. Finally, the bust at Lincoln's tomb (you know, the one whose nose everybody rubs) is surrounded by statues of civil war soldiers. As a giant head, that Lincoln definitely falls into the wise leader role. The soldiers are his minions, and I'm imagining them storming in and saving whatever battle is going on like Gandalf at Helms Deep. As scary as terminator Lincoln would be I think I would put my money on rubbed-nose Lincoln and his soldiers.

Oh, and I guess I should mention that the Lauterbach Man spends the entire time riding around on the Pink Elephant. Seems appropriate.


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