In tonight's lecture, I'm going to share with you some recent thoughts I've had on various linguistic subjects.
1a. First of all, there some adjectives I've discovered lately that unfailingly make any noun in the English language better. Recently, I've begun inserting them randomly and often into my speech, creating some indecipherable, gorgeous sentences. These adjectives are as follows: Unstoppable, Explosive, and Titanic.
-"Would not bang. She's a titanic slut."
-"How was your weekend?"
-"I can't believe she gave us 45 pages to read!"
-"Yeah, I wish our homework was more explosive."
These words, when randomly applied, will make you a more interesting person. I personally guarantee it. They will grab the mundane and transform it into the explosively mundane. Admittedly, titanic has less augmenting power than both unstoppable and explosive, and so I strategically placed it first in the examples so you'd have forgotten it by now.
1b. One adjective I would like to include with an asterisk is ultimate. Ultimate is an excellent adjective to use with special restrictions, particularly by capitalizing both words and removing any articles. My subconscious tells me I have garnered this knowledge nugget from Conor.* I know not if this is true, but fully expect him to quickly claim credit anyway. The formula works better with vague, staccato sentences that contain naught but two words:
-"How are you so chipper? Didn't you go to bed at like five?"
Now that's a winning sentence.
*Probably a result of him constantly talking about ultimate frisbee.
1c. The "ultimate" formula is also applicable to "titanic" for additional augmentation, I have found:
-"Would not bang. She is Titanic Slut."
2. Since we're on the subject of adjectives, let's move to adverbs, the sickly cousins of adjectives. Second only to gerunds in being generally not understood by people, adverbs have the surprising power of sucking the momentum out of interesting words. As I am about to show, my game-changing adjectives lose steam when converted to adverbs:
-"What is wrong with me?"
-"You're explosively boring."
-"Omg look! A squirrel!"
-"Omg, it's unstoppably cute."
And thus, dear reader, the reason why science is ever-changing. Clearly these are both phenomenal sentences. Adverbs can indeed be flavorful, and they can be used to spice up your speech in excellent ways. One formula I suggest is the following: When using multiple adjectives for a single noun, turn the first adjective instead into an bold adverb, regardless of its effect on meaning. As such:
-"The suspect is a dangerous black man."
-"The suspect is a dangerously black man."
3. I was trying to imagine, today, what the probably Latin phrase ad hominem meant. I was struck by the harsh transition from the hard, abrupt "d" sound followed by the exhaling "h" sound. I decided then that no word ending in "d" should ever precede one beginning in "h." I immediately went on to realize that basically no word ending in any letter should ever precede one beginning in "h," because "h" is a just an awful letter, I realized. It's just...breathing forcefully. It's awkward and I won't stand for it. So this is why France has silenced it, I thought to myself, but even they are noncommittal enough to not execute the damn thing. I meandered through the alphabet and discovered only two sounds, "-ff" and "-(vowel)y," besides "h" itself that lend themselves to a proceeding "h" word, leaving approximately two formable English sentences that I will accept:
-"Bring that graph here."
-"Yay, it's a boy horse!"
I still don't know what ad hominem means, but I like to think we've made some solid ground on fostering a firm grip on our native language, and I intend to shower with acknowledgment those who use my certified language enhancers in my approximate presence. I bid you all adieu now.