DEAR GRUNLIK

Dear Grunlik,
I've been having a problem with my boyfriend. We hang out all the time, but he never wants to go out anywhere. I mean, staying in and watching a movie is great sometimes, but is it too much to ask to go out to dinner or something occasionally?
Sincerely,
Abby, Richmont PA

Abby,
IT IS I, GRUNLIK. Although Grunlik does not know what is watching a "movie," Grunlik knows much about staying in. THIS IS BECAUSE A TROLL IS NOT PERMITTED TO LEAVE FROM UNDERNEATH HIS BRIDGE. Your boyfriend is a pathetic troll, and you should crush his bones with a mighty club. If his bones are too sturdy for your weak human muscles, bring him to Grunlik. Grunlik will crush him. GRUNLIK WILL CRUSH ALL.


Dear Grunlik,
I'm turning 16 this December, and my mom won't let me get my driver's license. She doesn't want me driving because she doesn't think it's safe, but she also says that I'm responsible for getting myself to school when I turn 16. I think she's being unreasonable. What should I do?
Love,
Robert, Colinsville VA

Robert,
Grunlik has just turned 1600 himself. When Grunlik's mother comes to visit Grunlik, she often disapproves of the way Grunlik takes care of his bridge. While this may be a nuisance to Grunlik, she is often correct in pointing out dirt on Grunlik's bridge. AND DIRT ON GRUNLIK'S BRIDGE IS UNACCEPTABLE. Grunlik recommends listening to Grunlik's mother.


Dear Grunlik,
My girlfriend is always telling me to clean my room. We don't live together or anything, and I think that I should be able to keep my room however I want to. But she always acts like it's a big deal and sometimes she won't come over, saying that my room is too messy. How can I make her understand that it's none of her business?
Forever yours,
Marcus, Seaside FL

Marcus,
YOU ARE A DISGRACE TO ALL GOOD TROLLS. A good troll must keep his bridge beautiful. How are you to be respected if your bridge is soiled with the blood of travelers past? GRUNLIK WILL NOT SET FOOT ON YOUR TERRIBLE BRIDGE.

GRUNLIK'S BRIDGE IS SO BEAUTIFUL

Dear Grunlik,
My grandma has offered to pay for plane tickets for me and my brother to come visit her over the summer. We both want to, but I have a crippling fear of flying. How can I overcome my fear and see my grandma?
Love,
Rozalin, Portland OR

Rozalin,
WHAT IS THIS FLYING MACHINE. Grunlik does not understand this contraption. No. NO! DO NOT MAKE GRUNLIK GO ON THIS PLANE. GRUNLIK DOES NOT UNDERSTAND PLANES. How does it travel through the sky? This is witchcraft. WHAT IS THIS NOISE? WHY DOES THIS MACHINE MAKE THIS NOISE. Grunlik is going home. GET AWAY FROM GRUNLIK. GRUNLIK WILL NOT PARTAKE IN YOUR DEFIANCE OF NATURE.

UNTIL NEXT TIME,
GRUNLIK
(-Nick.)