Thursday, May 10, 2012

Conor - Several Short Essays, All Intended For Different Audiences

Essay # 1
Intended Audience: Females that I'm friends with, but I don't know all the super well. The specific instance that sparked this train of thought involves Emily Eby

     Okay, hey, what's up, The Female Gender? How have you been? I just had an etiquette question I wanted to toss your way. See, I pride myself in being a good, non-threatening, non-factor guy friend. In fact, I think there's a good argument to be had that that's practically all I'm cut out to be. It's okay! I get that. So you and I, female that I know, aren't into eachother, but we get along. Let's assume all of this is true. I am, at least. I've learned to take the safe route. I may be the King Of The Friend Zone, but I'm not blind, female that I know, and I've noticed your cute friend, who's always busy having such a pretty face. She's really pretty! To put it plainly I am attracted to her, and I would like to know really anything about her. Beyond her surface level prettiness, she seems really nice and interesting! I don't know her name, even, but I've seen her around with you a few times. All I know is she spends a large percentage of her time always looking really pretty.
     So here's the question. You and I, as I stated, have an established friendship, and I don't see that changing. I guess I just don't feel that way about you! (<--- hahahaha why does that exclamation mark feel so painful) We haven't talked about this because wow what a weird conversation would that be, and I also assume you don't feel that way about me! It's not because you're less attractive than your super pretty friend that I'm working towards asking you about. It's just some x-factor about her that I'm aaallllll about. If I ask you about her, and I admit that I'm asking about her because yeah, I'd totally date her, am I being offensive to you in some way? Is this line of questioning rude because I supposedly never asked someone about you in a similar fashion? We don't know eachother extremely well, or else I would probably know who she is if she's one of your good friends, or I just wouldn't care about offending you in such a way. Do you see my dillema here?
     I want to hit on your friend (as much as I've ever hit on someone [barely enough to even classify it as hitting on someone])  without feeling bad.
     Yo Emily Eby you have a pretty friend. I saw her driving today. She has a nice smile. So do you. But like, I really like this girls smile. Am I being offensive? Damnit.

Essay # 2
Intended Audience: Robert Langellier, Cassandra Tipping

     Dear Robbie!

     Help! How do I wear a sweater vest? What do I wear it over? I wear it over something, right? I feel like I definitely don't just wear it, alone. Yeah, this definitely feels silly. It's like a classy, stupider tank top. A short sleeve button up? Is that the proper companion to this article of clothing? Maaan, I know nothing about how to pull this off. Please text me as soon as you see this. It's urgent that I learn how to do this.
                  - Completely Confused Conor!

Essay # 3
Intended Audience: Everyone who came into Pickleman's Thursday morning between the hours of 1 and 3 AM, specifically the girl who admitted to having stolen chips, a fountain drink and a serving of croutons but still somehow sounded offended that I asked her if she had stolen chips and/or a fountain drink and/or a serving of croutons.

     Fuck you. 
                    - Conor

Essay # 4
Intended Audience: Springfield, Illinois, other people having difficulty in college

     See you soon, man. I've really missed you. It's a little embarrassing how much more comfortable I am when I'm back with you. Truth be told, I've had a hard time making friends in Norman. It bothers me. I know lots of people and I like lots of people, but I'm not all that close to many people. That's part of what made this a really weird, tough year. I think I also didn't prioritize well. Living in the Leslie House, with 6 other roommates and 11 people regularly just milling around was fun, but I see now that it wasn't an environment meant for focusing. I wasted a lot of time this semester and my grades suffered for it. There was no good way for me to do things. When I was being productive and working with Redliners (the a capella group I'm now the director of) or going to the practice rooms or reading or something I felt like I was removing myself from my group of friends, and it was regularly brought up to me that "you're never around," or "aw, Conor's going to read rather than hang out" or something like that, which made me feel worse. When I would hang out, I would always be fretting about things I should be doing. Either way led me to worrying too much and preventing myself from having too much  fun.
    Towards the end of this semester I got closer to finding a mix that works for me, and it's much more heavily slanted to the work side of things than to play. I've spent several late, late nights in the MIDI computer labs recently working on compositions  and Sound Design projects, and I've been happier doing this than I have been practically all year. Even though I'm doing this things alone, even though it's not a social thing, I'm happy doing these things. I was looking at the compositional work I was putting out a year ago, and it's bad. I've gotten better! I really have. I haven't improved as much as I should have by this point though. I've put in the bare minimum of work to get by in the composition department, because I was always hanging out, or just sitting around, or something. I'm ashamed of that now. Music makes me happy, and it's awesome, simply incredible that I get to do this for school. I'm taking how lucky I am for granted, so fuck that. I don't want to take this for granted anymore.
    I don't have a lot in common with lots of people here, but I like everyone a lot. It's been sortof painful for me to see that maybe some relationships aren't going to work out very well. I don't know who to talk to about it. That's sortof the problem, see. We'll see how things go next year. I want to strengthen existing relationships and make new ones, but I'm realizing I'm willing to sacrifice that goal in order to work harder at music. My friend Michael Ray accurately called me out the other day at Norman Music Fest, saying that I'm in my element when I can just go around and give shout outs to the tons of people I know, blah blah blah. Yeah, I get a kick out of that. It's a way for me to cling on when I was better at getting to know people.
    I'm back Monday, Springfield. I'm looking forward to this summer.

Essay # 5
Intended Audience: The New Contacts I Put In Today

    As I put you into my eyes this morning I told myself that today marked a new day, a new story, a new saga. From now on I'll take my contacts out every night, I though, from now on there will be no more falling asleep with you fellas still in my eyes, getting all crusty and what have you.
    Oh my god was I lying. I'll never change. I'm weak. I'm so weak and pathetic. Slowly but surely I'll lose my eyesight- I swear I've noticed the vision in my left eye getting worse and worse! - but I am weak. Look at my Monster addiction! Never before has someone sucked so much.
    I have no one to blame but myself.

Essay # 6
Intended Audience: The Pottermore Sorting Hat

    Fuck you.
            - Conor


  1. #1 - You may never know how Emily feels about your question, but if she has tolerated you til now, you're probably safe from physical violence. But if there is violence, or if her friend with the fetching smile starts telling people the she's heard you're gay, you can assume Emily was not pleased.

    #2 - I understand that sweater vests, like moustaches, are widely regarded by women as signs that men don't care if women like them or not. Therefore you should probably be married or well over 30 (like, say 50) before wearing a sweater vest or a moustache... unless you just have amazing near-gay amounts of style. DISCLAIMER: I am over 50, married, have a moustache, occasionally wear sweater vests, have negligible gay-style points, and have virtually no chance of ever having a girlfriend.

    #3 - Many people are stupid assholes; you seem to have found one of them.

    #4 - It's a well-known but little mentioned fact that one can "fuck around" and "hang out" to an astonishing degree without enrolling in college. It is also seldom mentioned that, if you are enrolled in college, you can do many better things than fuck off and hang around. I commend you for discovering this second fact and urge you to continue along that line.

    #5 - Eyeglasses?

    I am not hip enough to understand #6.

  2. #1 - Don't be so worried about offending people. I've asked people about their cute friends before, and it's only a big deal if you make it one. Also, how pretty is this girl and her smile? Can I see a picture? You should put her name here so I can look her up on facebook. I hope she sees this post you made someday. You may have shot yourself in the foot on this one, bud.

    #2 - Please Conor, please do not wear a sweater vest with a short sleeve button-up. If you never listen to me again, at least listen to me on this. Actually let's take it a step further and never wear short sleeve button-ups at all.

    Also I'm going to have to go on record as disagreeing with Mr Horne and say that his inexhaustible style comes from his mustache, sweater vests, and his general lack of concern about whether women like him or not.

    #3 - Sometimes you're having a rough Wednesday night, so you decide to drink a bunch of alcohol, and then before you know it you're drunk early on a Thursday morning. So you go to Subway, only to find that it's closed. Settling for the next best thing you head into Pickleman's and, in your loneliness, attempt to make friends with the cute guy working there by telling him your most deeply personal confessions in reverse chronological order, starting with the most recent. To your chagrin, he is unable to look past your character flaws and gets hung up on the fact that you may have done some regrettable things in your recent past. Maybe he isn't the one after all.

    #4 - Let's go running soon. You're good at music.

    #5 - Contacts scare me. Bill Green scratched his cornea while taking his contacts out this semester. He had to wear an eye patch.

    #6 - Sounds like somebody got sorted into hufflepuff.

  3. #1...telling people THAT she's heard you're gay....

  4. A very short summary of what the Pottermore Sorting Hat did to me, for Mr. Kevin's behalf.

    Shit on me.