Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Nick - A Componential Analysis Of Salads


Lacking the firmness of most vegetables and lacking the tastiness of most fruits, tomatoes are nature's bastard child. What's even the draw to eating them? I don't know why I'd ever partake in one.


Lettuce is crunchy and refreshing, like rock climbing through a mountain waterfall. It's kind of tasteless though. Not that I mind.


I can't eat this. This stuff is gross. It has, like, vinegar in it? What's that all about? I mean, it just tastes bad. Also it's bad for you. I don't understand you people.


Salads are a facade. Salads are a thinly veiled attempt to eat croutons as a meal. Croutons have a salty, flavorful crunch that reminds me of ambrosia, or of lightning made of happiness.


I like carrots. Carrots are good. When you put carrots on salads, you slice them up into tiny, tasteless pieces. But we all know why they're really there: to make it colorful. If you can add some orange in there with your greens and purples, it looks pretty. It looks way too pretty to be food. I'm awarding points for prettiness and because carrots and I go way back, but let's not lose sight of the practicality here.

Sunflower Seeds

Big fan. Sunflower seeds are so fucking delicious. They come in two varieties: the seasoned and unseasoned kind. Both are delicious in their own right. Way better than those stupid ones you buy in bags and you have to spit out the shells so often that it's not even worth it. I'm docking one point because they are small and they usually slip through my salad to the bottom.

Purple Things

I don't really know what these are, but they don't taste like too much of anything? They're pretty because they are purple, but also they just aren't very good.


Nope, not having it. Olives are not tasty. Their texture is gross. Eating olives is like eating eyeballs, except that they lack the protein.



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