Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Zombie Snowpocalypse- Mada

Alright, here's the deal. As I'm sure all of you have noticed, today has begun the snowpocalypse. What a lot of you might not realize is that not all of us are going to come out of this alive. Or dead...

What I'm getting at is that we are almost certainly going to have a zombie outbreak on our hands. Shit like this doesn't happen without a zombie outbreak. Fact. Because this fact is inevitable it has got me thinking about who I know that would survive this type of tragedy. Specifically, who I know in Classic Brian that would survive this type of tragedy.

Let's look at our cast of characters (ordered as they appear in our picture):

Robert, Nick, Me, Eliot, Brendan, Conor, and Classic Brian.

So obviously the zombie snowpocalypse is happening and it's fucked up. My whole family has disappeared, presumably dead, and the midwest is one big ghost town. The only people I can find anywhere are Robert, Eliot, Conor and Brian. We're most likely all trapped at the local YMCA and we're confused and worried. All the power is out and our only technology is the hand crank radio I brought from my house.

We sit there for days and wonder where everyone is, specifically Nick and Brendan since they make up two-sevenths of our gang. Until one day we hear a familiar voice while running the dials and it's Nick. He's broadcasting from a "safe" base a couple towns over. He's there with Brendan, who's been injured. They can't leave. Someone needs to come rescue them. PURPOSE.

Obviously we all realize this is completely up to the five of us and we set off. Conor has somehow fallen into the role of Leader. He makes a plan for us to head out of Springfield, but before we are even out of the city limits there's confusion! and disaster! and zombies! and child zombies! We have to fight CHILD zombies! That sucks! It's our first taste of battle but we make it. Except then we notice – Robert's missing. Lost to the fray. It's real to us now.

Fast forward through some boring traveling scenes. Suddenly, we're knee deep in action. We encountered a couple zombies, but always alone and easy to take down. A pack (herd? gaggle?) of 5 or 6 comes sprinting at us. Using our minimal fighting power and luck we manage to fight them all off and find a safe clearing in the woods. Relieved and beaten up and tired we're all bent over with exhaustion. Conor stands up and declares we can't stay here. We start to stand up, but we freeze. All of our eyes fall on Conor's shoulder. He's been bitten. He looks down, then back at us. We all know what this means. Conor must die. Slowly, every head turns towards me, and I realize- I must kill Conor. Conor will die by MY hand. I walk around him and begin to talk to him about video games and frisbee. I tell him to remember the first day he mastered the back hand throw. Then I shoot him in the back of the head.

Fast forward more traveling scenes where we're all soooo sad about Conor. We've reached a little town, and naturally we go poking around some zombie hangout and we're surrounded. Certain death. When suddenly, a figure bursts in and takes them all out in one of the better ass-kicking scenes of the zombie snowpocalypse. It's Robert. Holy shit. He tells us to follow him. QUICKLY. Back at his fortress, we see he sports face paint, torn clothes, and a rock-and-roll attitude. He's wild. We ask him how he's survived and he says "This ain't no war. This a goddam' plague. I seen things I cain't un-see and I done things I cain't un-do. Yo friends ain't alive, and even if they is, whatchoo you savin' them fo'?" Alright, he's creepy now, plus it's only been like, eight days since we lost him, but it looks like he's the one who's figured out how to survive.

We tell Robert about the radio and he immediately agrees to go with us. Fast forward more traveling scenes (seriously, this movie could be so much shorter) and we're camping in the woods. I turn on my radio and we hear Nick's voice. We're getting closer and Nick is talking about a helicopter. If we can just make it to the base we can get Get Nick and Brendan out of there and get picked up. The nightmare will be over. Suddenly, screaming from the other side of the connection. We hear shouts and growls and silence. Nick is dead.

In the morning I begin to say something about giving up or going back to Robert's safe house. Eliot stops me, "I know he's alive" he says. "I just know Brendan's alive and we've got to save him". Brian (our designated "nice guy") nods solemnly. Eliot brushes my hair off my face. Whaaaat?

We make it to the base. But it's clear that it is no longer "safe." It's scary and grey and dilapidated. The movie is reaching that point where it's almost in black and white. There is a tower at the top of the building, and hanging from the window, a white sheet. Brendan. But, upon getting up there, the hundreds of zombies trapping him inside have discovered us. We run through the long corridors of this building, a full zombie mob behind us. Every door is locked and there's nowhere to hide. The drone of the zombies is getting louder. Robert stops. We all stop. "We're not going to make it! Not all of us. I can buy you guys some time, but not much." We try to fight him but the zombies are getting closer. "Go!" he yells. "Go! GO!". We begin running again but after a few steps Brian stops. He puts his hand on Eliot's shoulder and looks back at Robert. They nod at each other. Brian looks back to Eliot as if to say "I can't let him do this alone." (What an idiotttttt) He runs back and grabs a gun. He and Robert turn to face the oncoming horde. Robert smiles.

Eliot and I find Brendan in his tower barricade. (It's clear now that Eliot and I had the least character development because we were the ones that would make it this far. This also means that we are required to end up together. Inevitable.) He is badly injured, probably in the leg region, but we manage to get him to the roof just as the helicopter arrives. Somewhat triumphant and eerie music plays as the it touches down and we lay Brendan inside. Eliot and I climb in after him and sit together in the back. We look into each other's eyes and then out separate windows. CREDITS.

So there it is. My almost guaranteed accurate prediction. Sorry everybody except Eliot and Brendan. =(

Oh, also it was cold the whole time. Snowpocalypse.


  1. every mini-post you've ever done that looked like it took 10 minutes to do was worth this. absolute gold.


  2. You made me my favorite zombie movie character, just a little more downplayed. I'm cool with dying. Chill as fuck, Robert. Brothers to the end.


  3. Also, the part where I put my hand on Eliot's shoulder is me saying without words, "I love Mada, but I have to do this. Take care of her."

  4. This is one hundred percent accurate. Long live Mada Larson.


  5. 1. I stopped reading after I died. Good thing Dylan made me continue.
    2. I would’ve liked to see some travelling scenes mourning me after I apparently initially die.
    3. I notice that when I make my final stand I’ve dropped my new accent.
    4. Brian is the nice guy because he’s Jesse Eisenberg in Zombieland.
    5. I haven't been outside since Friday.

  6. It's like 99% accurate. We would all be fighting for the opportunity to end Conor.


  7. Good thing we all know that off-screen deaths don't count.


    back to lists next week

  9. This was a thoroughly enjoyable post. Thank you.
    Also, I promise to set up a survivor center for everyone here in New Orleans.