Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Zombie Snowpocalypse Part II: Back to School!

“This is bad on purpose,” Eliot proclaimed. “The government is indelibly behind this.”

Mada and Eliot's situation had worsened. Since flying away on the chopper, they had made it back to Springfield, which was a desolate wasteland, but one with enough safezones to keep them alive. Tribes were popping all over town, different survival groups. The conglomerate of them couldn't match the amount of zombies, but they could overpower them.

Thanks to Springfield's recent illogical influx of machine guns, zombies are less threatening than they once were. But Mada and Eliot foresee terrible events. They decide it is again time to move. This time they will get far out of Springfield and head back to Champaign. They are set on venturing alone, but they decide to give Brendan, who had joined one of the tribes with less followers and a more unique sound, a call.

He agrees to come with them, much to their surprise.

“That tribe used to be really cool, but the new stuff they do is boring and repetitive, I need a new purpose,” Brendan reasoned.

The three set off, machine guns in hand, and did some boring traveling scenes, but as they pass Sherman, Illinois, they realize that the entire town has turned into a united zombie front! The town charges, and Mada Eliot and Brendan mow them down. Eventually a small gaggle of the zombies overpower Brendan, though and it seems he's about to be taken out when just then, a mysterious figure attacks the pack with a knife, severing all six of their heads before giving the gang a cheerful, “long time no see, guys!”

“CORY!” the three exclaim in unison.

Cory doesn't have a gun, so he takes over the role of commando medic, with his awesome knife and his serum that he claims once healed a zombie bite that he received, months ago. He had the scars to prove it. For once, there was hope.

Also remember, it's still really cold. We have coats and gloves on and when we talk you see our breath.

Boring traveling scenes, reminiscing about things, introducing Cory and Brendan (awkward at first, but the two gain a respect for one another, or so it seems). Then, zombie cows! A whole herd of cattle rushes at the gang, and they take multiple bullets to hunt down. In the back is their psychopathic cannibal farmer leader, who has a rifle of his own and sics them on passersby. Mada is bit and takes a bullet to the arm. After refusing Eliot's insistent mouth-to-mouth resuscitation and getting Cory's serum, she appears to be okay, but she can no longer handle a gun. She passes the torch to Cory, and Cory gives her the duties of doctor.

Oh by the way they killed everyone else in the scene above, so no worries there. More traveling scenes. Then, Decatur!

As the gang fights off zombies upon zombies, literally racking up kills in the hundreds, someone makes a bad joke. Brendan sees this as an opportune time, and steps away from the rest of the crew.
“I will no longer be the bearer of bad jokes, because I've just played a mighty prank on you!”
Then he pulls out a sort of syringe and injects himself with something. Almost instantly he sprouts wings and his feet grow talons. His arms turn into machine guns and he takes to the skies. Eliot, realizing immediately Brendan's treacherous intentions, starts shooting the Brenda-beast wildly.

Mada then makes a stark realization. “Where the hell is Cory!?!?”

Eliot, still in a firefight with Birdndan, looks around, no Cory in sight. The fight continues, Brendan has suddenly become really bad at aiming at things. Eliot, however keeps hitting, because that's how good guys role.

After a lengthy battle that takes pretty much all of Brendan's life-bar, the Bird tumbles to the ground, Eliot and Mada do not think twice, and make a move for the highway.

A couple boring traveling scenes, talking about the terrible things they had just witnessed.

Some more traveling, only this time Cory's there for some reason.
“Where the hell were you?”
“Oh, I figured you guys wouldn't need me.”
“Get out of here!” Then we left his ass just outside Decatur.

Some boring, but unbearably awkward scenes of traveling. But you notice an increasing frequency of smiles with each progressing scene.

Finally Mada and Eliot reach Champaign, and Eliot sure looks badass. Dual-wielding machine guns, Mada fawning at his sheer awesomeness, he soaks in the moment as he soaks the zombies in lead.

Then, as they reach the Union, behind it comes a giant zombie with knives for fingers! And a headdress with knives where the feathers should be. It is he, Chief Illiniwek! And He's out for BLOOD. Because he's NATIVE AMERICAN.

While this is happening, a swarm of zombies pop out, and to the horror of our two survivors, among them is none other than Brian. But this isn't the Classic Brian we all know and love, this is Zombie Brian. And he is bearing down on the two at a speed which all other zombies simply lack.

Eliot fears that Brian will attack him, but the Chief is also bearing down on him, and while Eliot knows he can survive a zombie bite thanks to Cory's mystical serum, he knows that NO ONE, not even he, can survive a knife bite. He continues firing at the Chief. The Chief closes in on Eliot and the brave young but cut hero runs up the Chief's arms and kicks him in the chin.

Just as Eliot fells the Chief, he turns to see that Brian wasn't going for him all along. He had Mada pinned on the ground and was going for her sumptuous neck. Mada squirms free and grabs the gun that Eliot dropped while kicking the Chief. As she picks the gun up she notices a shadow emerge behind her. She looks to Brian and yells “I always loved Eliot and not you!” and then starts shooting the shit out of him. Eliot meanwhile picks up the other gun and shoots the risen Chief standing behind Mada.

The two, facing eachother, shooting things at the other's back, begin to makeout wildly and awesomely. This goes on for twenty minutes.

After the two run out of bullets, (as in, all their bullets. They were shooting for twenty minutes. They had to reload a lot.) They begin the trip to Eliot's dorm in silence. The unspoken plan to hole up and wait for this whole thing to blow over.

The amount of zombies is sparse in Chambana, but the two are both crazy agile and manage to avoid all would-be attackers. They get to Eliot's dorm, PAR. As they enter Eliot's hallway, they hear a menacing laugh. “No, it can't be him, we both thought he was dead!” They exclaimed in unison, which is impressive as it was the first thing either had said the whole time. The shock of this simultaneous statement made the two join eyes, but only for like half a second. And standing there, in PAR's main lounge was the one they never considered they would see.

Conor O'Brien.

“But I shot you in the back of the fucking head!” Mada exclaimed.

“Yeah. That.. that hurt pretty bad.”
“You died, I saw your brain and stuff!”
“Yep, I was unconscious for like four days. It seems you only hit the part of my brain that operates daytime Conor.”
“Then how are you alive!?”
“2 AM Conor is feelin' fine. Well actually I'm pretty tired. But just shut up, Mada. I know you only have negative things to say to me.”

Conor pulls out two katanas, presumably the ones from his house.

Mada finds a katana, Eliot goes to pick up another katana, but Mada stops him.

“No Eliot, this is my battle to fight. I have to finish this.”

After a long sword fight in which the whole time it looks like Mada is going to lose, she stabs Conor in the stomach.

“You know this won't kill me, Mada.”
“I know one way that will do the trick!” Mada retorted. And she bit him in the neck. And then again. And then she invited Eliot over.

Both of them were there for two hours. Full as fuck, eating, crying, sweating, and going through the struggle that is ingesting Conor O'Brien. As they finish crunching the last bits of his dry ass knuckles, they turn to see a group of zombies behind them, standing still, mouths agape.

Eliot turns to Mada, “I guess we were the zombies after all...” Mada rolls her eyes. They hug anyway. CREDITS.

--Eliot Sill


  1. don't forget how cold it is the whole time!


  2. 1. Dammit you guys, I'm still alive.
    2. I'm glad grumpy 3am Conor made an appearance.
    3. I'm glad Conor's disgustingly dry knuckles made an appearance. What is wrong with that guy.
    4. The last place I would go to wait it out would be a dorm room. The only food you would find is a couple days worth of ramen and chocolate.

  3. They Are Night Zombies!! They Are Neighbors!! They Have Come Back From The Dead!! Ahhhh!

  4. This was outrageous. I wish it were real.

  5. For the first half of this I didn't realize this was a parody of bad sequels. I just thought Eliot was a terrible fiction writer. Then it was hilarious.