Monday, April 11, 2011


--Robert Langellier

Let's be completely honest with ourselves. Friendships vary in value and style to an extraordinary level. There are just some kids you're destined never to bond with and others you inexplicably can't get enough of, despite how dumb and boring and condescending and one-upping and a girl they are. But some types of friendships I find are especially interesting and categorizable:

First, the When Harry Met Sally friendship. This is the best-friends-in-love-where-everyone-can-totally-tell-except-for-the-two-in-love cliche. Ew sick I know, right? Well usually it's funnier because usually at least one person in the friendship feels this way and usually less than two people in the friendship feel this way. These are like car wrecks; you know you're absolutely awful but unless it's someone you know then you love watching it happen anyway and you're constantly hoping for it.

Second, the "Conor and Robert" friendship. This is when both sides of a friendship inherently despise the other and use the friendship as a competitive struggle to cause as much irreversible damage to the other as possible before finally being separated by the babysitter called college. Inevitably, neither side will win this friendship, and both will generally regret ever entering the struggle in the first place.

Third, the 0.99 Cinnamon Twist friendship. This is the kind that looks really cool and stuff to have, but then when you actually bite into it, you realize it's already exploded in a cloud of Splenda, sodium, and corn dust by the time it hits your teeth. This is a friendship characterized by extra friendly smiles and comically undeserved affection sternly backed up by essentially no qualities of a deeper understanding of each other. They're especially awesome because you never have to worry about asking them about their day and receiving any response more difficult to deal with than sunshine and rainbow gumdrops.

Fourth, the One Joke friendship. This type of friendship is usually formed with classmates who one, for the most part, only sees in class. At some point during the school year, the two bond over a hilarious inside joke. Unfortunately, due to limited exposure to each other, these two friends are doomed to recount the same relatively funny inside joke a pitiful amount of times because that's the only friendship ammunition they have. There are no known instances of this type of relationship advancing beyond this fatal phase.

Finally, the Linking friendship. Everybody has that guy they want to be better friends with, but don't really have the mutual friends to make that possible. You need a Linker. A human bridge to step over on your path to more desirable choices. I mean why else would I hang out with Brian McMahon if he wasn't friends with Jimmy Gvasdinskas and Duke? I wouldn't. Unfortunately, these friendships do sometimes slip beyond these initial stages into a real friendship if you're not careful, as indicated by Brian skype IMing me a half an hour ago. GET OVER IT BRIAN NO WE CANNOT HANG OUT.

Friends come in all sorts of sizes, shapes, textures, boxes, and personalities. Some of them in bad ones. I hope that with my new categorized friendship evaluator you guys will be able to spot the signs of a disastrous friendship early on and stop them before it's too late.


  1. Note that Robert has no types of friendships that he actually enjoys.

  2. If I didn't have Duke I wouldn't have friends