Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Immortal Larson (That's what they call me)

It seems to me that the best way tl thrust yourslf into the forefront of the public's mind is to become some great or terrible leader. Obama, King George, Winston Churchill, Mufasa, etc. These people were well known when they were alive for having all the responsibility in the world and are still remembered after their death (I'm assuming Obama) for how they handled that power. As a true and proud American citizen (I've never been out of the country so I'm not actually sure anything else exists) I'm pretty sure the President of the United States is the most important person you could possibly be. Therefore, to reach my goal of immortality I will first get elected as your President.

Honestly. this part doesn't seem too hard. I know people spend millions of dollars every election just to lose in the end but I really do think I would have a good chance with the American people. First of all, in the TV age, looks are everything. I'm obviously gorgeous, so most people will vote for me just based on this. If you recall, the last time we had a semi attractive girl run for President (Sarah Palin) she made an ass of herself. Therefore my next campaign strategy is to not say anything retarded. For example, I do believe in dinosaurs and global warming. Other than that all I really need is a catch phrase (think "Yes We Can" only even more inspirational and concise) and I'm golden.

I know what you're thinking, just becoming President isn't such a big deal. There are plenty of President's I know little to nothing about (Rutherford B. Hayes for example). I know. I've thought about this. Becoming President is obviously not enough in itself. I also need to do something with that Presidency.

Here's my next plan: When I am President I will do my best to one up every president I can possibly think of with any sort of real reputation or infamy. I will sleep with absolutely every worker in the White House that is willing and then give all my press conference regarding the incidents in cryptic riddles. I will hire people to stalk, bug and control (if possible) all of my political rivals but be sure to leave video recordings of me telling the, to do so in code. I will cut down every apple tree in the nation and then lie about it. I will instigate a war between the East Coast and the West Coast and then break every law and commandment to end said war. And lastly, I will have an affair with Megan Fox in a blonde wig.

After all of these actions there is not a doubt in my mind that I will be assassinated. Being assassinated in the prime of my life will only add to my legend. If for some nonsenssical reason, no one succeeds in killing me, I will certainly be impeached and then fired (resigning is for quitters) and will therefore go down in history as the first female President and the first President to ever be fired (this will probably also ensure that no other women ever get elected President).

As you can see I will have become the most imfamous politician to ever have lived. I will instantly become a household name and I will remain that way forever. People will study me and my motives for years to come. Springfield will be transformed from a Lincoln town into a Larson town. I WILL LIVE ON FOREVER.


  1. The only positive thought I can come up with shorter than "Yes We Can" is "Uh Huh."

  2. "Woah!" or "Wow!". Maybe even "Hell Yeah!"