Monday, September 5, 2011

Nick - Immortality

Classic Brian has been adhering to a theme this week: immortality. But I'm not here to play into Robert and Conor's petty game of who gets remembered harder; I'm here to explain that they've been doing it all wrong.

You see, so far we've accepted the premise that immortality means being remembered for a pretty long time. Well, I don't care how I'm remembered, because I'll be dead. No, I'm afraid the trick to real immortality is not dying.

And I have a plan to do this. There are no magic tricks to keep yourself alive forever. No secret potions. On the contrary, all you really need is math.

I'm going to make sure that I never have a moment of weakness in which to die. Simply put, I'm going to do something more extreme every day absolutely forever.

How, you might ask, can I possibly expect this to keep me from dying? While my plan may at first seem naive, it is in fact brilliant.

You see, after so many days, I'm going to be in the big leagues of extreme. I'll be doing stuff so intense and bad ass that I can't just die after doing it. Nobody climbs Mount Everest and then just dies of old age immediately afterward.

Plus, if I continue doing more awesome things each day, eventually one of the only awesome things left to do will be to become immortal.

Finally, one last reason that I will never die is that once I begin graphing my life as an exponential growth curve, I will never be able to die because exponential growth curves don't end, they just continue. Exponentially.

So in conclusion, have fun being dead. You dumb motherfuckers.


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