Robert Langellier, freshman journalism major at the University of Missouri has decided to formulate and minimally produce a winter-themed mix CD.
In a recent interview, Langellier admitted that "yes, I am making this mix CD solely because you told me to." This statement confirms rumors that have been circulating around my head that Robert Langellier is in fact my bitch. When Langellier asked that I make one for him in return, I declined, citing independent thought and a life.
Langellier produced a summer-themed mix CD earlier in 2010 that was met with optimistic enjoyment by his friends and unknowing indifference by any and all reputable critics. Apparently the summer mix was entitled Younger Now, but no one really paid attention to the CD's title because it, according to one source, "had nothing to do with anything important about the mix. I mean, I just wanted to bolster my iTunes library, and (Langellier's) CD helped with that a little bit, but I mean, eh."
Langellier tried to hide information about his forthcoming CD, but I was so bored by the useless interview that I didn't really maintain an interest in whatever Langellier was talking about.
"The CD will be entitled Snow Erection, because I really like winter (Editor's Note: Or something like that)," Langellier rambled. He kept being all secretive throughout the interview despite me frequently driving home the point that nobody is going to care at all what he has to hide because mix CD's more often than not go un-listened to. A probable reason for this is that nobody really cares that much about your musical obsessions. They just like to hear good music, which you often sacrifice for the sake of thematic continuity.
"I'm going with a racial vibe for this mix. The sounds will be spacious, atmospheric and droning. Most people who like good music probably won't like this mix," I imagined Langellier saying, as I zoned off inattentively during our interview.
Some bands that one can expect to hear on Snow Erection include The National, Slammin' Ho's with Ma Bro's (featuring Kelis), Arcade Fire, Bright Eyes, Gazpacho for Breakfast for My Valentine, Coldplay, and Mertin Keeth and the Googly Eyed Percussionist.
The mix CD put-together-er denied rumors that the introduction to the mix CD will include a minute long recording of him administering a forceful yet pleasurable fellatio session to Bright Eyes frontman Conor Oberst, but failed to deny that such a recording existed.
When asked why the hell he wasn't putting Christmas music on the mix CD, Langellier offered that "Christmas is so, like, mainstream, and I really want to introduce some new music to people. I've discovered some new holidays that people haven't really heard of and the music that goes along with those holidays is totally a new sound and is just sick."
Langellier discussed that he filtered through several editions of the mix before coming up with a self-proclaimed "perfect" final version. Former mix CD titles included The Wrestle, Wrestling With Black Gays, Langellier's Fancy Parade, Condoms Made of Hope, Pretty Winter Melodies that Bring Holiday Joy to your Catholic Family of Six, Music my Dad Says, and If Cats Could Sing. He said he threw all of these titles out while molding the mix into the forum of perfection that it is now.
"This is basically the greatest and best combination of songs that anyone could ever put together. I put like, so much effort into this mix, I'm really proud of what I've put together," he said, as if he had done as much work as any one of the bands he whimsically put into the playlist. "It's really a ponderous and melancholily illuminated tome about a frenzied feeling of euphoric discomfort and freeing yourself from the imprisonment embodied in the lugubrious winter months."
When I asked Langellier what the fuck he was talking about, he replied with a meek, "I don't really know. I just read those words in a Pitchfork review of one of Sufjan Stevens' albums."
Langellier cited winter as an inspiration for the mix CD. Oh my God. No shit.
After he went on for a bunch about some band I don't know, I told Langellier that I really needed something worthwhile in order to make a story, and asked what the hell was gonna be on this stupid thing.
"I've given you the sneak preview," he wryly replied. What a douche.
After much begging and a fifteen dollar bribe, Langellier unveiled the following. "It's going to be a lot of music that I like. And I like the way it flows. And it's a mix CD. And it's got a beginning. Then it goes from there." So I punched him in the face, then did some research.
It appears as though his cryptic language points to some viral sites that reveal a little bit about the mix. Such sites include this one, that one, and this one.
You tell me what that means. I mean, I'm not looking forward to this either.
Snow Erection is set for release on December 17th.