Saturday, December 18, 2010

In Which I Proceed To Make A Parody Of Something That Perhaps Should Not Be Parodied, Or, Look How Awesome I Am!, Or, Lists

DISCLAIMER: The following material is not subject to your god damn criticism. However, this company does apologize for what will surely be offensive to certain individuals. We ask that you take it like a champ, and not bitch out on us like other certain individuals have in the past. This will prevent us from having to remove the following post in order to appease tender hearted people who may get their feelings hurt. This is just what we do. Thank you.

-Classic Co.

Being pretentious is a delicate art that must be refined over a lifetime. It's like a lump of coal in that it appears hideous at first and people don't really think it's all that great, but over time, if it survives under pressure for long enough, it can become a beautiful diamond to be adored. By one's self. And after all that time has passed, it turns out people still hate it, but now they're just annoyed at how self-absorbed it is, despite it being pretty.

Here I shall make a list of certain attributes and facets that can accurately guide one to pretension:
1. After completing any paper or article on the computer, go back through and haphazardly use thesaurus to replace those "lesser" words with great big ones that considerably less people will be sure to understand. (randomly--->haphazardly) FYI: According to approximately 9.6 million pretentious people wrote some sort of article on the computer today.
2. Know how empyreal you are at all times.
3. Make sure everyone else also knows this by incessantly smothering them with stories of your countless triumphs in life and how you reign supreme over all.
4. Never relent your point in an argument. Remember, you cannot be wrong.
5. Do not deviate conversation from stuff about you. Nothing is more important than you. That's all you ever need to talk about. Don't ever forget that.
6. Make sure to keep your guard up and be as defensive as possible with every quip. Those lower beings are always trying to drag you down to their level somehow...
7. Swiftly reject opinions that conflict with your own as utterly wrong, especially if involving musical taste.
8. Never let people mistake you for a decent human being. This is a sign of weakness.
9. Always wear clothes that give the impression of saying, "Oh, judging by what YOU'RE wearing, I'd say I overdressed for the occasion." Then flaunt how good you look for the entire night and make everyone else feel shitty for being dressed more casually than you.
10. Always assume everyone will always agree with you, then act terribly shocked when they don't.

These 10 points cover the basics of the douchey spectrum. The Golden Commandment is essentially #2. If you can follow that rule, then all others shall fall into place without much trouble. Now, if this post were 100% true to the pretentious code, it would be about 5 times this length. However, I'm not an asshole and I know none of you are THAT interested in what I'm writing, so I'll cut it off here.



  1. i knooooow but i just couldnt come up with enough to continue writing and not be annoyingly repetitive. im sorry i fail.


  2. my last resort would have been copy and paste.


  3. i honestly considered i but it felt like a stretch. literally

  4. Ok for the record I was jokingly writing this. I really don't wanna offend anyone and I've been told I come off as a total douche for this. Obviously I meant to do so in jest, but I don't want anyone to think I'm actually that mean. Sorry.