Sunday, December 19, 2010

Robert - Italians

This is a profile on Italians. Why the fu*k are they all so hot? I've been thinking about this question for years now, and I can only come to the conclusion that they are of a higher and more evolved species than us common ethnicities.

This is Gino. He's a friend of mine from back in the day. This is him as a freshman in high school. I assume he's looked like that since kindergarten, when he hit puberty. He had a five-o'clock shadow the first time I met him and a mysterious gaze that stared right past my soul and into my heart. My knees weakened considerably. Needless to say, he's in a band.

This is Ben and another identical looking Italian. He has pecs and a stoic sense of humor. He is the current leader of the Easily Amused Improv Troupe and can do backflips. He likes the classy things: an old Bob Dylan record spinning on a record player, dimmed lighting, and scotch glasses. He does not wear shirts and I can prove it. I like to envision him as either the evil villain in a James Bond movie or as James Bond. Yes of course he rides a motorcycle. And yes of course he wears leather.

These are just two examples. Time and time again, Italians seem to coolly and effortlessly swing themselves to the top of the social ladder. Something about them oozes sex. Sexiness. Or both. I mean, look at them. By nature, they have more defined cheekbones. They have an automatic store of muscle that they have a physical need to display when women are present. Racially, they are often mysterious, tan and sexy. They are impeccably intelligent and use their advanced knowledge that they receive at birth to stun and woo onlookers. Their women are known to be powerful, also tan, slender, and well defined. They are among the sexiest species of woman, perhaps rivaled only by the saucy latino senorita and the Swedes.

Their weaknesses are few, not enough to stop the hordes of charging women. Many are slightly under average height, and they have been known to be sort of greasy. And I think they sweat a lot. They are also frequently really really angry, but are sometimes able to turn this into a positive by pulling a "getting-business-done" card or by drumming in a band.

I bring this issue to the table because I am threatened by them, and so are you. I think over half of my heritage is Polish and German. This puts me at an extreme biological disadvantage.

A Stereotypical Pole

I have no solution to this epidemic of sexy. I have only fear and admiration. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go learn French, the violin, and the guitar in my futile attempt to catch up. Goodnight.





  2. I feel like learning Italian would make you sexier than French, given the nature of your post.