Monday, May 16, 2011



Wasps are the worst things. Bees are desperate creatures, and, if need calls, they will valiantly die to protect their hives.

And then there are wasps. Wasps don't die when they sting you. They sting you whenever the fuck they want, because they can. Also, bees pollinate all of our stuff. What do wasps pollinate? Nothing! Actually, probably something. I don't know. Who cares? Wasps are the worst.

Also wasps make those weird little grey tunnelly nests. Those things are unsettling, and they hang around your garage. You never notice them until you are too late.

The Color Beige
The Color Beige is the worst thing. First of all, when I google "The Color Beige," I get like 20 different colors. I don't think I can describe how stupid it is that this is a color when we don't even know what color it is.

One time I was driving my friend home and I asked him which house was his. He responded, "The beige one."
I threw him out of my car right there.

Look at these people. These people look so happy. I hope they are all eaten by wasps.
Happiness is the worst thing. Let's run through an all-too-common scenario. I wake up, and turn my alarm clock off with all my fury. I drag myself to my dresser, miserably force myself to get dressed, and painstakingly maintain some baseline degree of hygiene. Then I finally trek wearily down to breakfast, only to be met by my two friends who are cheerily eating breakfast. Also, they are dating. So they are happy, wide awake, and they love each other. And now I'm sitting with them.

If there is anything worse than that, I have yet to encounter it. Happiness is the worst.

The Universe
The Universe is the worst thing. Yep. You all knew I was getting there.

Someday I could go on to eliminate every wasp and every beige-colored thing, and then The Universe would be all like, "Fuck you! You're insignificant!"

Basically what I'm saying is that The Universe invalidates everything I do. Put in a good effort to eat a healthy breakfast this morning? That's too bad, because you're a small collection of atoms that will never leave a rock on a distant arm of a small spiral galaxy.

And you can make the world a better place all you want, but that doesn't change the fact that it will be destroyed in a few billion years. 

I'm not writing one 


  1. I don't think I could put together a list of worst things as well as you can, but if I was making a list of pretty funny things, this would be on there.

  2. i wouldn't say wide awake....just really good at pretending ;)