Monday, June 27, 2011

Nick - All Alone

We here at Classic Brian like to write about doomsday scenarios. Especially zombies. And while zombie breakouts may seem fun and exciting, I do not care much for them. If there were a zombie breakout, you and I would probably not be main characters or saviors. We would be hapless survivors at best and victims at worst.

But what if you woke up one morning to discover that you were the only person left on the planet?

Suddenly, no matter what you do you become the main character. What do you do? Do you take time to do what you've always wanted to do? To dance on the grave of society? Maybe take time to read a book you never got around to? Or live in an expensive house? I cannot answer any of these questions for you. But I can tell you what I would do!

. . .

I wake up, and everyone is gone. There is no noise coming from the street. Nobody at home. Even the dogs are gone. The only thing left is eery silence. Unfortunately, it would probably take me a while to notice. I'd probably wonder where everybody went for a few hours. Any other person would let the time tick away, waiting for something to happen. But not me. I would come to my senses, then hurriedly confirm my suspicions, and then spring into action. After all, I've written a blog post about this.

The scariest thing about this situation is that we don't really know how long electricity would last without any human oversight. The general consensus I get from Googling this is that the power would probably go out within the first day. Thus, the first day is the most important. I would frantically get to work before the power went out, forever.

Probably my first task would be to collect a gas powered generator and as much gas as possible. I would get to the gas station and fill as many gas canisters as I could fit in my car.
You know. These things.
Then I would go to a hardware store or something and take as many gas powered generators as I could find. Also I would grab several lengths of clear tubing so that I could learn to siphon gas from the many cars left behind by humans.

Finally, I would pick up enough food to fill a fridge and freezer, and settle into my new lifestyle. I would take as much cereal as I could; it will last until the end of time. Also I would get all of the ice cream, because I only have one shot at frozen things. And I would take a ton of milk, because I love milk and I don't really want to raise cows.

Obviously this stuff can't last forever; I would definitely be making frequent food raids at stores. However, having food and electricity could help me transition into an unpopulated world until I get better at scavenging.

After living this way for a long time, I would probably get very bored and lonely. Maybe it's time for a road trip? At the very least, I can go check out the Grand Canyon, Yellowstone Park, and all that other natury stuff. I would pack food and gas with me, and if I ever had car troubles I could simply find a car with keys in the ignition. I hope. Maybe I should find spare batteries and stuff too.

Probably when I get to experience the glory of nature without any people around, I will become a part of it myself. I will live in the wilderness, and learn to live in peace and harmony with the animals. I could live in the shadows of the mountains at Yellowstone Park, spending my leisure time watching the geysers and swimming with the fish.

Of course, I would get bored of that too before long. And then what kind of future awaits me? Maybe I'd go try to fly a plane. I guess I really don't know what I'd do next. But when all of you are dead, I'll find out.



  1. All I could think about while reading this was the fact that Nick probably has never heard of "I Am Legend."

  2. Also, of "Deuteronomy 2:10" by The Mountain Goats.

  3. There are zombies in I Am Legend. You motherfuckers and your zombies.

    Captcha: zings