Sunday, July 17, 2011

Ultimate Cereal: You Are Not Prepared

Robert Langellier

Alright, I know this happened. And more recently, this. But now we’re gonna talk about this.

Ultimate Cereal is the pinnacle of cereal combination creations, a hobby of which I’m sure many readers are active and enthusiastic participants. Everyone’s thrown some Cocoa Krispies in with Golden Grahams at one point in a vain effort to make Golden Grahams edible. But the Holy Grail of cereal combination creations remains elusive, despite many laughable claims of “perfection” from various combo creators. THEY ARE WRONG, AND I HAVE FOUND IT, and it was right in front of our very eyes this whole time:


Right? Now, where did society go so wrong in that our careful observance of tasty things could go so far astray, and that something so obviously delicious could escape our vision? I remember a day, not so long ago, when I leapt across the dining halls with glee after combining the mediocre apple taste of Apple Jacks with the cinnamon explosion of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. How foolish I was to think that this was some kind of cereal ceiling I had experienced.

Let me tell you about Ultimate Cereal:

Ultimate Cereal, as you can see from the pictures, is the combination of Captain Crunch Crunch Berries and Lucky Charms marshmallows. These two cereals are notorious for having a lot of stupid shit to eat through to before finally arriving at edible Shangri La. Anyone who likes the crunch in Captain Crunch is wrong and anyone who likes the wooden things in Lucky Charms shall have their tongues amputated, in due time.

Ultimate Cereal takes time, patience, and steely determination to concoct, as well as three separate cereal bowls and one thing I tragically lack: any friend to sit by you as you sift in order to make you not look like the saddest loser ever. I’m relatively certain to a fairly high degree that every single regular patron of Plaza 900 feels bad for me. They do not understand. Currently I’m devouring I think my fifth bowl of Ultimate Cereal in as many days, and I am proud and my stomach is proud and pleased.

Grammatically, Ultimate Cereal is a proper noun. This is in order to distinguish it from my language modifier “Ultimate (Noun)” that I introduced last week, which are merely capital letter common nouns. Ultimate Cereal is a concrete entity and is always to be referred to as such and is never to be replaced by weak, compromising pronouns. Ultimate Cereal is not an “it” or a “her” or even a “thing” because even that’s uncomfortably close to a pronoun in my opinion. It is only Ultimate Cereal.

I understand that some of you may have certain concerns about the dangerous concentration of delicious things. Fret not. Ultimate Cereal tastes how it tastes in your dreams, which as you may already have dreamed, is very tasty. The sugar rush is intense, and it shoots directly from your tongue to your bloodstream, bypassing your esophagus and other digestive organs entirely, but in a good way. And yes, Ultimate Cereal does indeed make you earn its delightful bounty by requiring first berry picking,* then mallow hunting,* and then careful spoon mixing, but all of this only whets the greedy appetite, and the end result of this mounting tease explodes into a frenzy of unabated gobbling, and every second will be forever remembered in its glorious and fleeting ego death, akin to the sweat lodge revelations and, yes, the sexual orgasm.

I recommend it.

*official terms


  1. I appreciate that you linked to your own article. I appreciate that thoroughly.


  2. Brian your challenge for saturday is to say something nice about something.

  3. I can't wait to go buy seven meals worth of delicious Golden Grahams at Dobbs time out.

    Though I do agree with your likening of the non-mallows to wood. spot on.

  4. You suck at cereal.