Saturday, August 6, 2011

Conor - The Sport Of Kings

I was in a mini-golf tournament earlier today. It was rad. I tweeted my thoughts in real time, and I've added in details in italics. This is for you, Robert. You would have been devastated, had you been there.

Two and a half hours until the mini-golf tournament begins. The stakes are high, and the scores are low.
     There has to be a golf based movie out there somewhere with this as the tag line. I mean, c'mon.

- Picking out what I'm going to wear to the tournament. Mini-golf is 90% style.
     Business casual is pretty much always a safe bet. Tie encouraged, but not completely necessary.

Mini-golf is a game of mental toughness. considering most of the other kids here are 12, I'd say I have this in the bag.
     This one was a complete lie. Mada and I were the only ones there who were like, casual mini-golfers. I didn't think that'd be a problem, because who ISN'T a casual mini-golfer, right? Wrong. It turns out there are people out there who have spent their whole life honing their skills. It turns out there were 7 or 8 people out there who have been waiting for a mini-golf tournament for their entire life, and they all showed up. All of them golfed in high school, most of them went to high school with me, and some of them worked at the mini-golf course. So.

This kid says he has gotten a hole in one on every single course here. His knees look worrying susceptible to being broken by a golf club.
    Let's see how he golfs when he's bleeding. You can tell a lot about a man from the way he golfs whilst bleeding.

A lot of bullshit posturing from these guys. A lot of talk. They don't notice me in the corner, memorizing names, faces, styles and flaws.
     Unfortunately, they all had really similar styles, which mostly involved really casually getting hole-in-ones.

Playing seriously the best minigolf of my life, and these guys are making a fool of me.
     Everything I did was invalidated by the ridiculousness around me.

The best player was just found dead though!!! What happened here?!?! updated: due to tragic circumstances, I've moved up to 3rd place.
     I wish I had stuck with this joke and just made the whole thing a murder mystery. I like the idea of a murder mystery where one character is fucking obviously the murderer. 

-Yeah no seriously though I just got par. This is a serious accomplishment worthy of praise.
     On course 3. The easy course. 

Falling apart. Everything minigolf related is slipping through my minigolf related fingers.
     On course 2. The intermediate course.

Though I am crestfallen and frustrated, Wabash Golf and Games keeps reminding me of how fabulous birthday parties are.
     There's a sign up at Wabash Golf n' Games that says in big rainbow letters "Birthday Parties are FABULOUS!" I really, really want to steal that sign.

Round 2 went terribly. I was beaten by my female companion, or as I like to call her, "a dirty whore."
     Mada. Mada's a dirty whore. 

"George is 21 under," they say. Yeah. George is still probably going to die alone, though. Probably.
     Wooooah sorry everyone did I say that out louuuudddd

     Also 21 under?! What the fuck!

I don't give a damn that Jake got a hole in one there, Jake didn't take the loop-de-loop, so Jake's achievements don't matter.
    "Yeah, a lot of us don't take the loop-de-loop," Jake said. "It's way harder to get the hole-in-one."
     Twenty years later Jake, while visiting family in Springfield, decided to go back and check out the old mini-golf place he used to work at over the summers. He was a little rusty, but by the third or forth hole it had come back to him. He kept remembering the secrets to each particular course and he would laugh and tell his wife of all the times his friends had at the place. When he got to the loop-de-loop, he decided to take it. He never took it as a kid, but something possessed him, convinced him he should take the brightly painted loop. He hit the ball and watched it go up the initial curve and shoot out the other side. He hadn't remembered the little thrills like this. He thought of all the times he had wasted thinking about statistics, and coldly getting the best results possible, even if that meant sacrificing the little things. A single tear rolled down his face. He turned away from his wife and wiped the tear away, hoping he could make the arm movement seem natural. 

I was joking about these kids all being twelve, by the way. I want everyone to keep that in mind when we look at these scores.
     The bro who won got 85. On 54 holes. ...    .......

Minigolf a sport I'm done with. 127 over 54 holes.
     That's a 2.35 stroke per hole average. 



    -Bed Dietrich

  2. Yeah, but what did Mada get. I noticed that was left out of the blog.

  3. Hey, pal. That's my daughter you're talking about! But I'm perfectly okay with dissing George and Jake. Fun post.