Sooo as you may have noticed, I forgot to post last night. And I was doing so well...
Anyway, the reason is because I am currently in tech week for The Vagina Monologues. I tried out without really knowing what The Vagina Monologues were because my friend Sara was trying out and I'm a mindless conformist. Now that I am in it I absolutely love it and I think that everybody who can should come to a performance this weekend.
Friday the 11th- 7:30 pm
Saturday the 12th- 7:30 pm
Sunday the 13th- 2 pm
The Vagina Monologues were written in 1996 by Eve Ensler, a very active feminist. The show is a collection of monologues that are all about vaginas. Shocker. Some of them are really funny, some are really sad, some are quite graphic and most of them are really fucking weird. I am actually in the intro so I will not actually be doing a monologue but my part is pretty funny anyway. All the proceeds of the play go to the V-Day fund which is a charity organization to help women in need. This year the money is going to fight violence against women in Haiti.
Like I said, y'all should come. There is a link to the facebook page here. The shows are going to be at Gregory Hall which is on the south-west corner of U of I's quad in room 112. Check it out.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
Behind the Scenes of Zombie Snowpocalypse
Zombie Snowpocalypse by Mada
Zombie Snowpocalypse Part II: Back to School! by Eliot
Zombie Snowpocalypse Part III: Breaking the Ice by Brendan
Zombie Snowpocalypse Part IV: The Spiral Collapses by Conor
Zombie Snowpocalypse Balboa by Classic Brian
Zombie Snowpocalypse Part VI: The Darkness and The Dawn by Robert
Zombie Snowpocalypse Part VII: The Final Struggle by Nick
We here at Classic Brian like to pride ourselves in our vast and diverse audience. Except not really, because everyone who reads this blog is a friend of ours. Anyway, the point is that Zombie Snowpocalypse is filled with in-jokes, easter eggs, and things that could use some clarification. So this post is where anything that needs explaining will be compiled.
This is mostly for the benefit of those who don't know all of us personally, as well as an opportunity for some of the subtler jokes to be pointed out. As all members of Classic Brian can contribute to this post, it may be edited frequently.
Roy Schribner
The biggest in-joke that some of our audience might not understand is the guy named Roy Schribner. Roy Schribner is Classic Brian's resident troll. He loves to comment on our blogs and harp on us, Conor in particular. He has his own blog here. Some of his work can be found in comments here and here.
His signature was copied directly for the story. His dialogue is merely our best impression.
Go To Sleep
There are a lot of references to the "Go To Sleep" game. Most notably in Brian's final scene the scene where Robert is on a leash. Basically this is a game the authors of Classic Brian play a lot in real life. If someone pretends to stab you while saying "Go To Sleep," you have to fall down until someone wakes you up. Brian and Robert are noted for frequently getting way too into this game.
Nick typically just stands around and wakes people up while this game is going on, which he flippantly addresses with his "I hate being a white mage" line.
Band Practice
Most of you probably know already that Conor has a band called Band Practice. Their music can be found here. The note written by Conor is mostly an amalgamation of Band Practice quotes. Before and during Conor's monologue in the last episode, six Band Practice quotes are hidden. See if you can find them all! They're in the same order as the songs appear on the Band Practice EP.
FFFF
Conor, Brian, and Eliot have a tradition of playing through Final Fantasy games together. They call this "Final Fantasy Friends Forever," or FFFF for short. The "Final Fiendish Faceoff Friends" segment of the last episode is mostly a parody of this. Nick often shows up to critique their Final Fantasy skills, which is why he's so critical of their fighting style in this segment.
Ratios
The cast of Classic Brian keeps a running tally of everyone's kissing ratios. The idea is that if you've kissed more men than women, you are quantifiably gay. (Unless you are a women, in which case you can't lose.) This is why Robert jokes about "sabotaging their ratios" when lips of the dead Brian and Eliot touch. This game is pretty much just and excuse for Eliot and Robert and Brian to all kiss each other.
Lists
While Mada and Nick are adventuring together, Mada suggests that they "make a list of their options," to which Nick responds, "no one likes reading your lists." This is a joke about Mada's Classic Brian contributions frequently appearing in list format. This one in particular is being poked fun at.
Conor's Mannerisms
Conor has a very distinctive way of speaking, and several Classic Brian writers made his dialogue reflect that. Notice that he says "sort of" as one word during his monologue, which he frequently does in his Classic Brian posts. (5th paragraph here.) Also poked fun at is his tendency to become grumpy early in the morning, a reputation he received from having sleep-overs with the Easily Amused Teen Improv Troupe.
In the final episode, Norman Oklahoma, where Conor goes to school, is a prominent location; his music major is also poked fun at. In Brendan's post it is noted that all that remains of Eliot and Mada's "cannibalistic frenzy" (eating Conor) is an outstretched hand with its fingers fashioned in the position of a Gb dim chord. Conor has been known to flaunt his knowledge of piano chords, particularly on one of the first side "Notes" on Classic Brian except no that totally wasn't Conor, that was another member of Classic Brian posing as him. Lastly, Eliot makes mention of his "dry-ass knuckles," which is just a reference to Conor's red, cracked skin and his fear of lotions.
Eliot Sill
Brendan also pokes fun at Eliot's fanatical devotion to the world of sports, particularly the Green Bay Packers. At the time of his post, Super Bowl XLV (in which the Packers played) was less than a week away, and Eliot talked nonstop about his beloved team in person, on Facebook and Twitter.
Cory Robinson
Cory Robinson is a hipster, one of the few anyone on Classic Brian knew before college. He is noted in Brendan's post as drinking PBR, consuming acid, listening to Animal Collective and riding on a fixed-gear bicycle, all of which are favored pastimes of many hipsters.
The "Awkward Sex Scene" Between Eliot and Mada
Brendan fashioned this scene loosely off a scene in the children's action/comedy 3 Ninjas (skip to 1:26).
Brendan's Puns
Throughout several of the past seven installments of Zombie Snowpocalypse, Brendan is seen making unnecessary and usually cheesy puns either to alleviate the gravity of a dire situation or simply for his own perverted indulgence. His puns show up quite frequently in his posts, like this one and this one.
Mada's Cat-like Agility
Perhaps a tad vague, Brendan writes, "Mada sprung off the ground like a cat" in the scene in which he attempts to murder her and Eliot. Mada starred in a video with her Improv group in which he she portrayed a human with cat-like tendencies, or maybe a cat played by a human?
Spite
Spite is a horrible horrible thing that plagues several of the members of Classic Brian. The fourth Zombie Snowpocalypse by Conor relies heavily on Robert's ability to lower everyone's chances of living for the sake of being contrary. Real life Robert would do this. A little known fact is that spite motivates approximately 43% of the actions taken by the members of Classic Brian.
Zombie Snowpocalypse Part II: Back to School! by Eliot
Zombie Snowpocalypse Part III: Breaking the Ice by Brendan
Zombie Snowpocalypse Part IV: The Spiral Collapses by Conor
Zombie Snowpocalypse Balboa by Classic Brian
Zombie Snowpocalypse Part VI: The Darkness and The Dawn by Robert
Zombie Snowpocalypse Part VII: The Final Struggle by Nick
We here at Classic Brian like to pride ourselves in our vast and diverse audience. Except not really, because everyone who reads this blog is a friend of ours. Anyway, the point is that Zombie Snowpocalypse is filled with in-jokes, easter eggs, and things that could use some clarification. So this post is where anything that needs explaining will be compiled.
This is mostly for the benefit of those who don't know all of us personally, as well as an opportunity for some of the subtler jokes to be pointed out. As all members of Classic Brian can contribute to this post, it may be edited frequently.
Roy Schribner
The biggest in-joke that some of our audience might not understand is the guy named Roy Schribner. Roy Schribner is Classic Brian's resident troll. He loves to comment on our blogs and harp on us, Conor in particular. He has his own blog here. Some of his work can be found in comments here and here.
His signature was copied directly for the story. His dialogue is merely our best impression.
Go To Sleep
There are a lot of references to the "Go To Sleep" game. Most notably in Brian's final scene the scene where Robert is on a leash. Basically this is a game the authors of Classic Brian play a lot in real life. If someone pretends to stab you while saying "Go To Sleep," you have to fall down until someone wakes you up. Brian and Robert are noted for frequently getting way too into this game.
Nick typically just stands around and wakes people up while this game is going on, which he flippantly addresses with his "I hate being a white mage" line.
Band Practice
Most of you probably know already that Conor has a band called Band Practice. Their music can be found here. The note written by Conor is mostly an amalgamation of Band Practice quotes. Before and during Conor's monologue in the last episode, six Band Practice quotes are hidden. See if you can find them all! They're in the same order as the songs appear on the Band Practice EP.
FFFF
Conor, Brian, and Eliot have a tradition of playing through Final Fantasy games together. They call this "Final Fantasy Friends Forever," or FFFF for short. The "Final Fiendish Faceoff Friends" segment of the last episode is mostly a parody of this. Nick often shows up to critique their Final Fantasy skills, which is why he's so critical of their fighting style in this segment.
Ratios
The cast of Classic Brian keeps a running tally of everyone's kissing ratios. The idea is that if you've kissed more men than women, you are quantifiably gay. (Unless you are a women, in which case you can't lose.) This is why Robert jokes about "sabotaging their ratios" when lips of the dead Brian and Eliot touch. This game is pretty much just and excuse for Eliot and Robert and Brian to all kiss each other.
Lists
While Mada and Nick are adventuring together, Mada suggests that they "make a list of their options," to which Nick responds, "no one likes reading your lists." This is a joke about Mada's Classic Brian contributions frequently appearing in list format. This one in particular is being poked fun at.
Conor's Mannerisms
Conor has a very distinctive way of speaking, and several Classic Brian writers made his dialogue reflect that. Notice that he says "sort of" as one word during his monologue, which he frequently does in his Classic Brian posts. (5th paragraph here.) Also poked fun at is his tendency to become grumpy early in the morning, a reputation he received from having sleep-overs with the Easily Amused Teen Improv Troupe.
In the final episode, Norman Oklahoma, where Conor goes to school, is a prominent location; his music major is also poked fun at. In Brendan's post it is noted that all that remains of Eliot and Mada's "cannibalistic frenzy" (eating Conor) is an outstretched hand with its fingers fashioned in the position of a Gb dim chord. Conor has been known to flaunt his knowledge of piano chords, particularly on one of the first side "Notes" on Classic Brian except no that totally wasn't Conor, that was another member of Classic Brian posing as him. Lastly, Eliot makes mention of his "dry-ass knuckles," which is just a reference to Conor's red, cracked skin and his fear of lotions.
Eliot Sill
Brendan also pokes fun at Eliot's fanatical devotion to the world of sports, particularly the Green Bay Packers. At the time of his post, Super Bowl XLV (in which the Packers played) was less than a week away, and Eliot talked nonstop about his beloved team in person, on Facebook and Twitter.
Cory Robinson
Cory Robinson is a hipster, one of the few anyone on Classic Brian knew before college. He is noted in Brendan's post as drinking PBR, consuming acid, listening to Animal Collective and riding on a fixed-gear bicycle, all of which are favored pastimes of many hipsters.
The "Awkward Sex Scene" Between Eliot and Mada
Brendan fashioned this scene loosely off a scene in the children's action/comedy 3 Ninjas (skip to 1:26).
Brendan's Puns
Throughout several of the past seven installments of Zombie Snowpocalypse, Brendan is seen making unnecessary and usually cheesy puns either to alleviate the gravity of a dire situation or simply for his own perverted indulgence. His puns show up quite frequently in his posts, like this one and this one.
Mada's Cat-like Agility
Perhaps a tad vague, Brendan writes, "Mada sprung off the ground like a cat" in the scene in which he attempts to murder her and Eliot. Mada starred in a video with her Improv group in which he she portrayed a human with cat-like tendencies, or maybe a cat played by a human?
Spite
Spite is a horrible horrible thing that plagues several of the members of Classic Brian. The fourth Zombie Snowpocalypse by Conor relies heavily on Robert's ability to lower everyone's chances of living for the sake of being contrary. Real life Robert would do this. A little known fact is that spite motivates approximately 43% of the actions taken by the members of Classic Brian.
. . .
Easter Eggs
- It's noted that Nick is "worst at flirting of the entire Classic Brian cast, which is quite a feat in itself." This is a reference to Brendan's Classic Brian on flirting. Nick shares the inability, to say the least.
- Nick is the only member of the cast to kill literally no one the entire series.
- All of the songs on Brendan's iPod come from this article. Many jokes are also directed at Brendan's sometimes-pretentious taste in music.
- There are several scenes in Brendan's post that involve his character getting "overly sentimental." It is well known that whenever Brendan writes a blog post about himself, he gets excessively nostalgic and tags his post "overly sentimental." Also, about half of the posts with that tag are his.
- References in Brendan's post to the days on which each fallen Classic Brian member presumably died are linked to the day on which they post each week. Similarly, before Brendan attempts to murder Mada and Eliot in Brendan's post, the line "Thursdays were never good for me" references the fact that Brendan writes on Thursdays (except in actuality he likes that day).
Nick - Zombie Snowpocalypse Part VII: The Final Struggle
Robert looked back out the window at the rising sun. For the first time, they had a reason to fight. Finally, a purpose. As Robert began folding the paper back up, a small red dot appeared in his matted, unwashed hair. A shot fired, and Robert slumped to the ground, dead.
There was an eerie, chilling silence. It felt like they stood in shock for several minutes, but it was no more than a fraction of a second before Nick screamed, “Everyone, MOVE!” and dived onto the two girls, all three of them tumbling out into the hallway and out of sight of any windows.
More silence.
All three of them heard a faint whirring which became more distant as they listened. Nick furrowed his brow, unsure as to the source of the noise.
“That sounds like the helicopter that came to rescue us...” Mada timidly suggested.
They poked their heads back into the room. Carnage was everywhere. Brendan lay in the far corner, a bullet wound in the back of his head. Eliot lay covered by a sheet from the bed. Mada averted her eyes before they could tear up, and looked toward Robert, most recently slain of the group.
Robert lay slumped partway against the bed. His hair was rugged and unwashed, and his T-shirt and button-up still held their casual and nonchalant look. He had become an icon of survival; he had given up all semblance of civility, he had killed without remorse, and still he had fallen in the end. His aviators lay on the floor in front of him, one lens cracked.
“Look at this...” Nick said, pointing towards Robert’s motionless body. “The bullet went clean through him. It went in his forehead and out through his lower back. Which means...”
“I did hear a helicopter!” Mada interjected. “He had to have been shot from above. But... who would want to kill Robert? And why didn’t they come for us?” As she spoke, her head turned to Brendan’s lifeless form. “And why were you and Brendan so eager to kill each other!? Hasn’t there been enough violence!?” Her voice became shaky as she began to think of her fallen lover. If only Eliot hadn’t died... they were meant to be together...
Nick faltered as tears began to run down Mada’s face. “Listen, we need to pull together if we’re going to get through this. Please stop crying. I don’t know why anyone would come for Robert. I thought maybe you would know seeing as how I’ve been kind of out of the loop this whole time. You guys did basically abandon me after all. Please, please stop crying.”
Mada regained control of herself. She would have to think about Eliot at a later time.
“And here’s the deal with Brendan. He knew this whole thing was coming. I don’t know how. I heard him talking on the phone with Conor about the optimal temperature for the creation of zombies, so I subdued him any way I could. I didn’t want to kill him, but he was obviously up to something. He was dangerous. I tried to get you guys to come rescue us so that I could capture him and Conor and then find out what’s been going on.” Nick paused, looking around the room. “But now they’re both dead. And apparently Brian was in on this somehow too, judging from that note.”
Mada was silent. It was hard to believe that Conor, who had tried his hardest to lead them through the outbreak, was behind all of this. And to imagine that Brendan was also guilty was also difficult to swallow.
Semas had also been standing silently, but she looked a little more self-aware, as if whatever drug Brian had slipped to her was finally wearing off. Finally, she broke the silence.
“You... you saved us. You pushed us out of the room.” She said, while moving in to give Nick a grateful hug.
“Er... yeah... but... I don’t think they were really... looking for us anyway...” Nick mumbled as he awkwardly received her embrace. It is a little known fact that Nick is the worst at flirting of the entire Classic Brian cast, which is quite a feat in itself.
The group took what little supplies they had. Nick pocketed Brendan’s iPod, which had remained on Robert’s lifeless body. He also took Conor’s note, which Robert had still been clutching when he had been shot. He wrapped some clothes around his leg to help the bleeding.
“I guess we’re headed for Norman, Oklahoma.” Mada said. Nick nodded in silent agreement, and Semas followed seemingly without knowing or caring what was going on.
They stopped in an abandoned department store and found winter coats. Nick changed out of his girls’ clothes into a badass leather jacket. He kept the slightly bloodstained Oakley’s he had taken from Brian. He then picked up a pair of scissors.
“We’re going to have to travel light. I’m going to need to be more aerodynamic.”
The group stood in silence as Nick cut off his long hair. He stood before them more confident, agile, and sexy than ever before. Then the group set off again.
Hordes of zombies were rarer now; it seemed that with less people to eat, the weak ones were slowly dying off. After a long journey, they found a bright yellow Volkswagen Beetle with flowery brake lights and keys still in the ignition. They set out for Oklahoma listening to a torturous amount of Taylor Swift, because Mada was riding shotgun and therefore in charge of the radio.
As the group arrived in Norman, they noticed that it was far colder and far zombie-er than the rest of the trip had been. This place was the source. This is where it was all going to come down.
“I’m picking up a weird radio signal. It’s interrupting my horrible, horrible taste in music.” Mada said.
Nick looked out the window. There were zombies surrounding them, but they seemed totally oblivious to the car full of human flesh. The hordes were traveling somewhere, as if they were being directed.
“This might be a stretch,” said Nick, “But those zombies are clearly headed somewhere. Maybe the radio signal is directing them...?”
“Then all we have to do is follow the zombies to find out where this is coming from!” Mada interjected.
Semas sat quietly in the back seat and said nothing. Although the drugs Brian had given her had worn off, she was still quiet and scared out of her mind by the whole situation.
After following the zombies to the center of campus, the ended up outside the music building. Zombies were packed all around it, standing completely still, unable to get in due to the metal fence surrounding the building.
“That’s where this is coming from. I think we just need to get inside that building and we’ll find out what’s been going on.” Said Nick, not letting the hordes of zombies around them break through his calm demeanor.
“I don’t know if we should do this,” Mada said, “Maybe we should stop and make a list of our options.”
“There’s only one way in,” Nick responded. “Besides, no one likes reading your lists.”
It was a risky move, but the trio got out of the car amidst the horde of zombies. They walked slowly through the eery crowd to the short fence, which was easily climbable for a human but prevented the zombies from entering due to their poor agility. Mada hops over the fence with her cat-like agility. Nick puts his hand on the it, preparing to crawl over.
The zombies attack.
Mada screams, Nick jumps over the fence, and Semas flails in panic as the zombies crowd around her. Nick and Mada reach over and pull her over to the other side, but not before she is bitten several times.
“NICK! WHAT DO WE DO!?” Mada screams. Semas stands, dumbfounded. Mada gets out machine gun she had taken from Eliot’s body.
“No.” Nick said, putting out his hand. “We have this.” He holds up the flask; all that remains of Cory’s miraculous, hallucinogenic serum. “She’ll be tripping balls for a few hours, but at least she’ll survive.” He pours the contents of the serum into Semas’ mouth. She returns to the silent, out-of-touch state she had been in back when they rescued her from Brian’s tyrannical clutches.
Mada and Nick shared a long, passionate glance. At least as passionate as eye contact can be through a pair of sunglasses. Nick threw down the empty bottle of serum and clutched his knife. Mada held onto her machine gun; there was still a little bit of ammo she had been saving. Semas deliriously clutched her broadsword. The three stepped into the musical fortress.
Blackness.
It was totally dark inside the building. Mada led the way with her gun in hand.
All the lights came on suddenly, blinding the trio. Mada screamed.
Nick took control, protected by his powerful sunglasses. “Mada! It’s okay. The lights must be automatic. Everything’s fine.”
They looked around. The room looked like an experiment gone horribly wrong. It was filled with strange machines. Through the smoke and debris around them they could still see a shadowy figure on the other side of the room.
“I’ve been expecting you.” A voice rang out and the figure stepped forward into the light. “How do you like the new world I’ve created?”
And then Mada sees his face. Covered in tattered flesh like a zombie, the face is somehow familiar. It’s the face of a friend of hers... or one that looks like it. It’s hard to explain how similar yet dissimilar the zombified face looked.
“It’s impossible!” Mada shouted.
It’s Conor. Zombie Conor. His flesh was tattered and pale. There was a large bullet wound in the back of his head.
“How are you... what happened? They said you were dead.” Nick stuttered.
“Allow me to explain.” Said Conor, menacingly. “I was new here in this town. Winter was at my door. I was terrified. And lonely. I didn’t have any friends here in Oklahoma. So I thought, why not create my own friends? I thought I could control people. I got funding from the school to do this science project.”
“But,” Nick interjected, “How did you find time to do all of this?”
“Simple,” Conor scoffed, “I’m a music major. I don’t have any real work to do. Anyway, I was working on my experiment. But then the dean came to visit, and he disapproved. They were going to cut my funding. I had to launch my plan early, and I couldn’t really control people. I could just, uh... sortof zombify them I guess. When my plan backfired, it began to spread. I came back to Springfield to save you guys. AND YOU SHOT ME IN THE HEAD.”
His voice echoed through the large room. The trio listened to the echo grow smaller and smaller each time it repeated.
“Conor... I’m sorry... I didn’t...” Mada tried to explain it, but the words wouldn’t come out. She had, after all, shot him. She could understand his anger.
“But... how are you alive?” Nick asked.
“Well, I had been working on fixing this mess. I developed a way to make zombies that could be controlled. That could talk and act like a normal person. I even trained a few to fly helicopters and shoot guns. I injected myself with a vaccine that would kick in if I were bit by a zombie; I would turn into one of my improved zombies instead of a mindless monster. Of course, I didn’t expect it to be as necessary as it was. It was merely a precautionary measure.”
“So what you’re saying...” Nick started, “is that you can fix this? That the zombies can be stopped? I’m so glad we made it here to talk to you!”
“Oh no,” chuckles Conor, “I think you misunderstand me. I’m not going to turn my lovely hordes of killers into peaceful creatures... I’m going to turn everyone into one of my zombies, and then I will rule over all of them! Plus, uh, I sortof still have a craving for human flesh. I couldn’t work around that side effect.”
Conor burst into maniacal laughter. Mada took aim and fired the last ammunition from her machine gun into him, but the bullets all impacted the dead flesh of his legs with a dull thud.
Conor called out to a doorway behind him. “Assemble, my minions! Our ultimate battle team cannot be stopped: Final Fiendish Faceoff Friends, assemble!”
And from the doorway behind him came zombie Eliot and zombie Brian. Mada began to sob, and called out to Eliot.
“Eliot! I love you! Remember when we went to prom together?”
Zombie Eliot was oblivious to her cries, as he was firmly under Conor’s control.
“We’re going to kill you and eat you.” Said zombie Eliot. “We’re going to keat you!!”
The Final Fiendish Faceoff Friends attacked all at once, and began to run at Nick Mada and Semas.
“Wow.” Nick remarked critically, “You guys are terrible at fighting. What kind of strategy is that? Did you even think this out at all? I mean, you should be running long range attacks on Eliot instead of Conor. And you clearly didn’t stock up on items before you started this fight.”
Mada and Semas ganged up on Brian, while Nick stood back and healed them.
“Man,” Nick remarked bitterly, “I hate being the white mage.”
“Go to sleep!!” Brian shouted as he lunged with his knife.
“Hey Brian!” Nick shouted, “I’m deriving serious pleasure from fighting you. I’m really enjoying it.”
“Ha! Your spite trick won’t work on me. I’m not going to take myself out just to spite you.” Brian responded.
Mada jumped into the conversation. “Zombie Robert would have been dedicated enough to do it!”
“Dammit!” Shouted Brian, as he put himself to sleep with his knife out of spite.
The trio turned to Conor and Eliot.
“Muahaha! You may have taken out Brian, but it’s getting late. Once we reach three in the morning, I’ll be filled with unstoppable grumpy rage!”
“Oh yeah,” said Zombie Eliot, “You do get kind of bitchy when you’re tired. Like on that acid trip I had.”
“Hey Conor!” Said Nick, waving Brendan’s iPod in front of him, “I was just talking to the zombies outside and they haven’t heard any Band Practice songs.”
“What... really? Well... can I borrow that iPod for a minute?” Conor took the iPod and hurried outside to show the zombies his music.
“Ha! Conor is a terrible villain.” Nick exclaimed, “Well Mada, according to that letter, there should be a way to stop the Zombie Snowpocalypse in here somewhere. I bet it’s deeper in the base. ...Mada?”
Nick turned to see Mada running toward Eliot with open arms.
“Oh Eliot, I missed you so much! Being around Robert and Brian for so long made me realize what a real man you are! They always try and pretend that they’re cool and confident... but you don’t have to pretend, Eliot. You’re comfortable with who you are, and I love you for it.”
With that, Mada jumped into zombie Eliot’s arms and proceeded to make out with him passionately. The only problem was that Eliot was, in fact, a zombie and was actually just trying to eat her face. The two were disgustingly intertwined, Mada filled with love and Eliot filled with a deep hunger for mortal flesh. The scene was startlingly similar to the “sex” scene which had been chronicled with disgusting detail in Eliot’s acid trip, except that Mada probably wouldn’t survive it. As Eliot consumed Mada’s face, Nick pulled Semas away from the adorable/gruesome scene and ran further into the fortress.
Nick was in bad shape. His injuries from the days previous pretty much prevented him from fighting. Semas could only protect him for so long in her drugged state. As the two of them dashed into the next room, Zombie Robert stood in front of them, his bullet wound still bleeding and one lens of his aviators cracked.
“You know,” said zombie Robert, “Working for Conor sucks.”
“Will you let us through?” Asked Nick. It was, admittedly, a stupid question.
“Well...” Thought Robert, “What’s in it for me? I mean, I would let you through, but it’s going to take some serious persuasion to make me ignore the big plot hole. Conor went to Springfield when he could have just stopped the zombies from here? Plus it was never explained why he sent people to kill me but not you. I mean, come on. What shoddy story writing.”
After some negotiating, Nick hesitantly agreed to give Robert Semas in return for passage. She was still totally clueless about what was going on.
“Okay, thanks!” Said Robert, taking his new acquisition with him. “I never even liked Band Practice that much anyway. Your leg is bleeding, by the way.”
As Nick advanced past Robert, he could hear him talking to Semas. “You’re going to be the new Hannah. First I’m going to dye your hair, and then teach you how to do improv, and then make you a Bears fan...”
As Nick hobbled into the last room, a giant computer screen towered above him. It appeared to have the controls for the zombie program on the display. “I’ve got to get to that monitor!” Nick shouted aloud.
“Luckily, I’ve been monitoring your progress!”
Brendan dropped down from the ceiling. He had become a horrifying bird-zombie reminiscent of the Birdndan from Eliot’s imagination. Also, apparently his puns are worse when he is undead.
“Out of my way, Brendan. I’m sorry about what happened between us, but I need to get to that terminal!”
“That’s not the only thing that’s terminal!” Quipped Brendan cleverly, as he left a probably-fatal gash in Nick’s shoulder with his talons.
Nick fell to the ground. Too injured to stand, he could only pray for a deus ex machina. As hopelessness overtook him, he heard a CRASH as someone burst through a wall. (It was a really quick deus ex machina.) Nick and The Birdndan stared open mouthed at the one person they hadn’t expected to see.
“What kind of titty-munching pussy gives up after one hit from this asshat?”
It was Roy Schribner.
“You go ahead,” He said, “I’ll take real good fucking care of this dick-tree.”
Nick crawled up to the computer. He could hear the sound of The Birdndan and Roy Schribner fighting behind him. He guessed Conor’s password (it was “<3 U Rhett”) and found the zombie deactivate button. As he clicked the button, he began to fall in and out of consciousness. Would the button turn the zombies back? Or stop their spread? Or would they all just fall down? It’s really weird how unclear that was. The last thing Nick heard before passing out was a victory cry as the fight behind him ended...
“ScHrIbNiZzZzZ!!!!!!!”
Outside, snow fell. Debris from the crisis lay everywhere. Zombie Snowpocalypse.
CREDITS.
There was an eerie, chilling silence. It felt like they stood in shock for several minutes, but it was no more than a fraction of a second before Nick screamed, “Everyone, MOVE!” and dived onto the two girls, all three of them tumbling out into the hallway and out of sight of any windows.
More silence.
All three of them heard a faint whirring which became more distant as they listened. Nick furrowed his brow, unsure as to the source of the noise.
“That sounds like the helicopter that came to rescue us...” Mada timidly suggested.
They poked their heads back into the room. Carnage was everywhere. Brendan lay in the far corner, a bullet wound in the back of his head. Eliot lay covered by a sheet from the bed. Mada averted her eyes before they could tear up, and looked toward Robert, most recently slain of the group.
Robert lay slumped partway against the bed. His hair was rugged and unwashed, and his T-shirt and button-up still held their casual and nonchalant look. He had become an icon of survival; he had given up all semblance of civility, he had killed without remorse, and still he had fallen in the end. His aviators lay on the floor in front of him, one lens cracked.
“Look at this...” Nick said, pointing towards Robert’s motionless body. “The bullet went clean through him. It went in his forehead and out through his lower back. Which means...”
“I did hear a helicopter!” Mada interjected. “He had to have been shot from above. But... who would want to kill Robert? And why didn’t they come for us?” As she spoke, her head turned to Brendan’s lifeless form. “And why were you and Brendan so eager to kill each other!? Hasn’t there been enough violence!?” Her voice became shaky as she began to think of her fallen lover. If only Eliot hadn’t died... they were meant to be together...
Nick faltered as tears began to run down Mada’s face. “Listen, we need to pull together if we’re going to get through this. Please stop crying. I don’t know why anyone would come for Robert. I thought maybe you would know seeing as how I’ve been kind of out of the loop this whole time. You guys did basically abandon me after all. Please, please stop crying.”
Mada regained control of herself. She would have to think about Eliot at a later time.
“And here’s the deal with Brendan. He knew this whole thing was coming. I don’t know how. I heard him talking on the phone with Conor about the optimal temperature for the creation of zombies, so I subdued him any way I could. I didn’t want to kill him, but he was obviously up to something. He was dangerous. I tried to get you guys to come rescue us so that I could capture him and Conor and then find out what’s been going on.” Nick paused, looking around the room. “But now they’re both dead. And apparently Brian was in on this somehow too, judging from that note.”
Mada was silent. It was hard to believe that Conor, who had tried his hardest to lead them through the outbreak, was behind all of this. And to imagine that Brendan was also guilty was also difficult to swallow.
Semas had also been standing silently, but she looked a little more self-aware, as if whatever drug Brian had slipped to her was finally wearing off. Finally, she broke the silence.
“You... you saved us. You pushed us out of the room.” She said, while moving in to give Nick a grateful hug.
“Er... yeah... but... I don’t think they were really... looking for us anyway...” Nick mumbled as he awkwardly received her embrace. It is a little known fact that Nick is the worst at flirting of the entire Classic Brian cast, which is quite a feat in itself.
The group took what little supplies they had. Nick pocketed Brendan’s iPod, which had remained on Robert’s lifeless body. He also took Conor’s note, which Robert had still been clutching when he had been shot. He wrapped some clothes around his leg to help the bleeding.
“I guess we’re headed for Norman, Oklahoma.” Mada said. Nick nodded in silent agreement, and Semas followed seemingly without knowing or caring what was going on.
They stopped in an abandoned department store and found winter coats. Nick changed out of his girls’ clothes into a badass leather jacket. He kept the slightly bloodstained Oakley’s he had taken from Brian. He then picked up a pair of scissors.
“We’re going to have to travel light. I’m going to need to be more aerodynamic.”
The group stood in silence as Nick cut off his long hair. He stood before them more confident, agile, and sexy than ever before. Then the group set off again.
Hordes of zombies were rarer now; it seemed that with less people to eat, the weak ones were slowly dying off. After a long journey, they found a bright yellow Volkswagen Beetle with flowery brake lights and keys still in the ignition. They set out for Oklahoma listening to a torturous amount of Taylor Swift, because Mada was riding shotgun and therefore in charge of the radio.
As the group arrived in Norman, they noticed that it was far colder and far zombie-er than the rest of the trip had been. This place was the source. This is where it was all going to come down.
“I’m picking up a weird radio signal. It’s interrupting my horrible, horrible taste in music.” Mada said.
Nick looked out the window. There were zombies surrounding them, but they seemed totally oblivious to the car full of human flesh. The hordes were traveling somewhere, as if they were being directed.
“This might be a stretch,” said Nick, “But those zombies are clearly headed somewhere. Maybe the radio signal is directing them...?”
“Then all we have to do is follow the zombies to find out where this is coming from!” Mada interjected.
Semas sat quietly in the back seat and said nothing. Although the drugs Brian had given her had worn off, she was still quiet and scared out of her mind by the whole situation.
After following the zombies to the center of campus, the ended up outside the music building. Zombies were packed all around it, standing completely still, unable to get in due to the metal fence surrounding the building.
“That’s where this is coming from. I think we just need to get inside that building and we’ll find out what’s been going on.” Said Nick, not letting the hordes of zombies around them break through his calm demeanor.
“I don’t know if we should do this,” Mada said, “Maybe we should stop and make a list of our options.”
“There’s only one way in,” Nick responded. “Besides, no one likes reading your lists.”
It was a risky move, but the trio got out of the car amidst the horde of zombies. They walked slowly through the eery crowd to the short fence, which was easily climbable for a human but prevented the zombies from entering due to their poor agility. Mada hops over the fence with her cat-like agility. Nick puts his hand on the it, preparing to crawl over.
The zombies attack.
Mada screams, Nick jumps over the fence, and Semas flails in panic as the zombies crowd around her. Nick and Mada reach over and pull her over to the other side, but not before she is bitten several times.
“NICK! WHAT DO WE DO!?” Mada screams. Semas stands, dumbfounded. Mada gets out machine gun she had taken from Eliot’s body.
“No.” Nick said, putting out his hand. “We have this.” He holds up the flask; all that remains of Cory’s miraculous, hallucinogenic serum. “She’ll be tripping balls for a few hours, but at least she’ll survive.” He pours the contents of the serum into Semas’ mouth. She returns to the silent, out-of-touch state she had been in back when they rescued her from Brian’s tyrannical clutches.
Mada and Nick shared a long, passionate glance. At least as passionate as eye contact can be through a pair of sunglasses. Nick threw down the empty bottle of serum and clutched his knife. Mada held onto her machine gun; there was still a little bit of ammo she had been saving. Semas deliriously clutched her broadsword. The three stepped into the musical fortress.
Blackness.
It was totally dark inside the building. Mada led the way with her gun in hand.
All the lights came on suddenly, blinding the trio. Mada screamed.
Nick took control, protected by his powerful sunglasses. “Mada! It’s okay. The lights must be automatic. Everything’s fine.”
They looked around. The room looked like an experiment gone horribly wrong. It was filled with strange machines. Through the smoke and debris around them they could still see a shadowy figure on the other side of the room.
“I’ve been expecting you.” A voice rang out and the figure stepped forward into the light. “How do you like the new world I’ve created?”
And then Mada sees his face. Covered in tattered flesh like a zombie, the face is somehow familiar. It’s the face of a friend of hers... or one that looks like it. It’s hard to explain how similar yet dissimilar the zombified face looked.
“It’s impossible!” Mada shouted.
It’s Conor. Zombie Conor. His flesh was tattered and pale. There was a large bullet wound in the back of his head.
“How are you... what happened? They said you were dead.” Nick stuttered.
“Allow me to explain.” Said Conor, menacingly. “I was new here in this town. Winter was at my door. I was terrified. And lonely. I didn’t have any friends here in Oklahoma. So I thought, why not create my own friends? I thought I could control people. I got funding from the school to do this science project.”
“But,” Nick interjected, “How did you find time to do all of this?”
“Simple,” Conor scoffed, “I’m a music major. I don’t have any real work to do. Anyway, I was working on my experiment. But then the dean came to visit, and he disapproved. They were going to cut my funding. I had to launch my plan early, and I couldn’t really control people. I could just, uh... sortof zombify them I guess. When my plan backfired, it began to spread. I came back to Springfield to save you guys. AND YOU SHOT ME IN THE HEAD.”
His voice echoed through the large room. The trio listened to the echo grow smaller and smaller each time it repeated.
“Conor... I’m sorry... I didn’t...” Mada tried to explain it, but the words wouldn’t come out. She had, after all, shot him. She could understand his anger.
“But... how are you alive?” Nick asked.
“Well, I had been working on fixing this mess. I developed a way to make zombies that could be controlled. That could talk and act like a normal person. I even trained a few to fly helicopters and shoot guns. I injected myself with a vaccine that would kick in if I were bit by a zombie; I would turn into one of my improved zombies instead of a mindless monster. Of course, I didn’t expect it to be as necessary as it was. It was merely a precautionary measure.”
“So what you’re saying...” Nick started, “is that you can fix this? That the zombies can be stopped? I’m so glad we made it here to talk to you!”
“Oh no,” chuckles Conor, “I think you misunderstand me. I’m not going to turn my lovely hordes of killers into peaceful creatures... I’m going to turn everyone into one of my zombies, and then I will rule over all of them! Plus, uh, I sortof still have a craving for human flesh. I couldn’t work around that side effect.”
Conor burst into maniacal laughter. Mada took aim and fired the last ammunition from her machine gun into him, but the bullets all impacted the dead flesh of his legs with a dull thud.
Conor called out to a doorway behind him. “Assemble, my minions! Our ultimate battle team cannot be stopped: Final Fiendish Faceoff Friends, assemble!”
And from the doorway behind him came zombie Eliot and zombie Brian. Mada began to sob, and called out to Eliot.
“Eliot! I love you! Remember when we went to prom together?”
Zombie Eliot was oblivious to her cries, as he was firmly under Conor’s control.
“We’re going to kill you and eat you.” Said zombie Eliot. “We’re going to keat you!!”
The Final Fiendish Faceoff Friends attacked all at once, and began to run at Nick Mada and Semas.
“Wow.” Nick remarked critically, “You guys are terrible at fighting. What kind of strategy is that? Did you even think this out at all? I mean, you should be running long range attacks on Eliot instead of Conor. And you clearly didn’t stock up on items before you started this fight.”
Mada and Semas ganged up on Brian, while Nick stood back and healed them.
“Man,” Nick remarked bitterly, “I hate being the white mage.”
“Go to sleep!!” Brian shouted as he lunged with his knife.
“Hey Brian!” Nick shouted, “I’m deriving serious pleasure from fighting you. I’m really enjoying it.”
“Ha! Your spite trick won’t work on me. I’m not going to take myself out just to spite you.” Brian responded.
Mada jumped into the conversation. “Zombie Robert would have been dedicated enough to do it!”
“Dammit!” Shouted Brian, as he put himself to sleep with his knife out of spite.
The trio turned to Conor and Eliot.
“Muahaha! You may have taken out Brian, but it’s getting late. Once we reach three in the morning, I’ll be filled with unstoppable grumpy rage!”
“Oh yeah,” said Zombie Eliot, “You do get kind of bitchy when you’re tired. Like on that acid trip I had.”
“Hey Conor!” Said Nick, waving Brendan’s iPod in front of him, “I was just talking to the zombies outside and they haven’t heard any Band Practice songs.”
“What... really? Well... can I borrow that iPod for a minute?” Conor took the iPod and hurried outside to show the zombies his music.
“Ha! Conor is a terrible villain.” Nick exclaimed, “Well Mada, according to that letter, there should be a way to stop the Zombie Snowpocalypse in here somewhere. I bet it’s deeper in the base. ...Mada?”
Nick turned to see Mada running toward Eliot with open arms.
“Oh Eliot, I missed you so much! Being around Robert and Brian for so long made me realize what a real man you are! They always try and pretend that they’re cool and confident... but you don’t have to pretend, Eliot. You’re comfortable with who you are, and I love you for it.”
With that, Mada jumped into zombie Eliot’s arms and proceeded to make out with him passionately. The only problem was that Eliot was, in fact, a zombie and was actually just trying to eat her face. The two were disgustingly intertwined, Mada filled with love and Eliot filled with a deep hunger for mortal flesh. The scene was startlingly similar to the “sex” scene which had been chronicled with disgusting detail in Eliot’s acid trip, except that Mada probably wouldn’t survive it. As Eliot consumed Mada’s face, Nick pulled Semas away from the adorable/gruesome scene and ran further into the fortress.
Nick was in bad shape. His injuries from the days previous pretty much prevented him from fighting. Semas could only protect him for so long in her drugged state. As the two of them dashed into the next room, Zombie Robert stood in front of them, his bullet wound still bleeding and one lens of his aviators cracked.
“You know,” said zombie Robert, “Working for Conor sucks.”
“Will you let us through?” Asked Nick. It was, admittedly, a stupid question.
“Well...” Thought Robert, “What’s in it for me? I mean, I would let you through, but it’s going to take some serious persuasion to make me ignore the big plot hole. Conor went to Springfield when he could have just stopped the zombies from here? Plus it was never explained why he sent people to kill me but not you. I mean, come on. What shoddy story writing.”
After some negotiating, Nick hesitantly agreed to give Robert Semas in return for passage. She was still totally clueless about what was going on.
“Okay, thanks!” Said Robert, taking his new acquisition with him. “I never even liked Band Practice that much anyway. Your leg is bleeding, by the way.”
As Nick advanced past Robert, he could hear him talking to Semas. “You’re going to be the new Hannah. First I’m going to dye your hair, and then teach you how to do improv, and then make you a Bears fan...”
As Nick hobbled into the last room, a giant computer screen towered above him. It appeared to have the controls for the zombie program on the display. “I’ve got to get to that monitor!” Nick shouted aloud.
“Luckily, I’ve been monitoring your progress!”
Brendan dropped down from the ceiling. He had become a horrifying bird-zombie reminiscent of the Birdndan from Eliot’s imagination. Also, apparently his puns are worse when he is undead.
“Out of my way, Brendan. I’m sorry about what happened between us, but I need to get to that terminal!”
“That’s not the only thing that’s terminal!” Quipped Brendan cleverly, as he left a probably-fatal gash in Nick’s shoulder with his talons.
Nick fell to the ground. Too injured to stand, he could only pray for a deus ex machina. As hopelessness overtook him, he heard a CRASH as someone burst through a wall. (It was a really quick deus ex machina.) Nick and The Birdndan stared open mouthed at the one person they hadn’t expected to see.
“What kind of titty-munching pussy gives up after one hit from this asshat?”
It was Roy Schribner.
“You go ahead,” He said, “I’ll take real good fucking care of this dick-tree.”
Nick crawled up to the computer. He could hear the sound of The Birdndan and Roy Schribner fighting behind him. He guessed Conor’s password (it was “<3 U Rhett”) and found the zombie deactivate button. As he clicked the button, he began to fall in and out of consciousness. Would the button turn the zombies back? Or stop their spread? Or would they all just fall down? It’s really weird how unclear that was. The last thing Nick heard before passing out was a victory cry as the fight behind him ended...
“ScHrIbNiZzZzZ!!!!!!!”
Outside, snow fell. Debris from the crisis lay everywhere. Zombie Snowpocalypse.
CREDITS.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Zombie Snowpocalypse Part VI: The Darkness and The Dawn
Robert: Tomorrow, many of you die. Your futures have been determined. Will you survive?
Conor: One of the scariest texts I’ve ever received, yeah, sure. I’ve prepared for all possibilities. Do not worry about me. I will succeed.
Mada: My guess is yes.
Eliot: Save me buddy. I’m already bleeding to death man.
Brendan: I’m cool either way, I just enjoy reading different people’s interpretations of my character/ability to survive.
Nick: I suspect I will do nothing plot-wise regardless of my fate. Please just leave me somebody to finish the story with on Monday.
Brian: I’m not counting on it.
The group eyed Robert with some concern.
"Ok then...guess we should get goi-"
But before Eliot could finish that sentence, Robert had pulled out a knife and go-to-sleeped him for real, right in the neck, just like he promised he would if he ever went psycho. Committed to the end. The group stood there, mouths agape, speechless.
"Ok then...guess we should get goi-"
But before Eliot could finish that sentence, Robert had pulled out a knife and go-to-sleeped him for real, right in the neck, just like he promised he would if he ever went psycho. Committed to the end. The group stood there, mouths agape, speechless.
A dooming silence descended upon the group. Nobody moved as Eliot fell to the ground, tears forming in his eyes as he looked up at the fading paint on Robert’s face. The blood poured out from his neck, dripping down his shoulder blade and coming to rest in a pool by his gasping chest. Eliot lay quiet, eyes blinking, then whimpered suddenly, and the spell was broken. All rushed to his side, crowding him in to comfort his final moments.
All, except two. Robert slashed off his leash with the knife and began to circle the group menacingly, his eyes fixed on a single back. There was purpose in his step, but no one could see that. The roar of the dropped chainsaw allowed his footprints to fall in silence. ‘There will be no more spite,’ he said to himself. ‘It ends here, you bastard; here, I take exactly what is mine.’ With that, Nick turned his head around just in time to see Robert plant the knife deep into the back of Brian, just to the left of his spinal column. Brian fell, face-first, upon Eliot’s.
“Hey look, I lowered both of their ratios,” Robert said with a laugh, but no one could hear him over the screaming. Mada chuckled. Robert gave her one of those chin thrusts that acknowledges appreciation while still asserting dominance.
“Where is Brendan?” Nick said suddenly, lost in the din of chaos.
The two bodies were pulled from each other. Brian, unconscious, was laid face-down while Semas wound a tourniquet out of her gladiator sandals. Eliot lay face-up, coughing, with Mada strewn over him, matching him tear-for-blood-drop.
Eliot whimpered again. His coming end had dawned on him. He began to cry. Brendan’s bandana was tied around his neck.
“I wish,” Eliot choked. “I wish…” he coughed again. “I kind of wish…that…I had.”
“Had what?” Mada said frantically. “I will get you anything.”
“A shirt,” he said feebly. He’d lost over a quart of blood. “It’s freezing, Mada. Hold me.” His lips puckered and he grunted in anticipation.
“Where the hell is a shirt?” Mada said. She looked around frantically. There were few shirts to be found among the group. “There’s no god damned shirts!”
“You can thank Brian for that,” Robert said coolly from the corner of the room, his right leg on the ground and his left leg forming a triangle with the wall he leaned against. Inexplicably he’d found a t-shirt and something to button up partially on top of it. Everything was tucked in sort of halfway, as if done casually and nonchalantly. His aviators were back on and a toothpick danced around his mouth. He looked dangerous again.
All attention shifted to Robert, the homicidal sociopath. Robert, the crazed loner. Robert, the spiteful killer. Robert, the figurehead of survival throughout the journey.
“You’re a monster!” Mada screamed.
“No, Mada, I’m afraid I’m not,” Robert said, casually getting up and strolling across the room as he spoke with occasional hand gestures. “Let’s review, shall we? Was it not I who swore a pact to put someone to sleep by literally stabbing them the moment I went crazy? Was it not also Brian? Was it not also Eliot and Conor?”
“I don’t know!” Mada said. “We have different social groups!”
“Well we did. Ask Brian.” Robert snickered. “Anyway, I’m not your problem, Mada. Your bleeding-out boyfriend is,” he said with a point and an eyebrow gesture. “Neither is Brian. You can thank me for that.” Robert snickered again at his turning-around of the ‘you can thank…’ joke. Robert’s jokes were always good.
“Where’s Brendan?” Nick said again.
“What are you talking about, Robert??” Mada said, exasperated. Her time with her dying lover was short.
“You last saw us at the old chapel,” Robert said. “Brian couldn’t handle my lifestyle. He simply couldn’t. He went insane. He became a dictator, forcing our shirts off at his whim. At rest one night he leashed me, and I’ve been biding my time since. He probably should have taken away my knife.”
At this Mada looked around. Neither Nick nor the new girl were making any move to reprimand Robert. Brian and Eliot were incapacitated. Robert had reassumed his position as leader.
“What do you mean he couldn’t handle your lifestyle?” she asked.
“It’s all a game,” Robert responded. “This is all a game. He couldn’t play.”
“We picked up another,” Robert continued. “Her name is Semas. The poor girl doesn’t speak. We think Brian forced drugs on her; she thinks she’s a warrior princess with Brian as her prince. She’s pretty good with broadswords, though.”
“Ma,” whispered Eliot. His voice was coarse. His lips unpuckered. “Ma.”
Attention shifted again, to the dying Eliot. “I’m sorry,” said Robert as he rushed nonchalantly to his side. “I needed to distract Brian. Knives are shorter than chainsaws. I had to make him drop it first. I tried to aim for a nonlethal area. So, the neck.”
“Ma,” he croaked. “I’m leaving the game. I’m done playing. Take this.” A tiny notebook slipped from his chest pocket into the pool of blood. Mada quickly snatched it up.
“No one…can survive,” Eliot coughed. His eyes were clouding and growing dim. “A knife bite.”
With that he was still. Mada, almost blinded by tears, promised to carry on his memory and thumbed through the notebook.
“It’s a journal,” she said after a minute. “It’s short. ‘…I shot Brendan out of the sky…’ What is this?” she asked, almost pleadingly, before answering her own question. “Oh, God. God, he transcribed his entire acid trip into this notebook.”
“You guys found time for acid?”
“…Birdndan….Chief Illiniwek…Zombie Brian…Conor…” she excerpted. “Knife…knives…‘No one can survive a knife bite.’…You guys, I don’t like this.”
Robert took the journal from Mada, and the remaining group began to read through the contents of the disjointed dream. It was quiet and dark as Robert read the journal like an epitaph or a will; the sun had long since set upon Champaign. Nobody stirred after horrific nightmare after horrific nightmare unfolded. The dream was creepy and haunting, almost prophetic, for the group in its present traumatic state, but it was pure coincidence Eliot had been killed by the knife. It had to be. Besides, Brian was killed by a knife. Conor was already dead. It was simply too unrealistic.
Robert finished. Silence. Everyone was numbed by the recent chaos.
Nick spoke for the third time since arriving at the dorm. “Where. Is. Brendan?”
This time he was heard. All heads turned to face him. One by one, those heads became wide-eyed as an apparently minor fact dawned on them. They had all rescued Brendan at the chapel under the assumption that Nick was dead. They had taken him into the helicopter and brought him to safety. They had traveled with him miles and miles to Champaign. They had become as close with him as friends could be. Not once did Brendan ever mention that Nick was alive. Not once.
“Uh…” stumbled Robert. For once, he was at a loss for words.
“Give me a gun,” demanded Nick. He was cold. Prepared.
The group checked its inventory. Brendan’s machine gun had run out of ammo. Eliot’s was missing. Brian carried a chainsaw and Semas a broadsword. Robert was unarmed but for his stained and rusted knife.
“Here,” Mada said, hands trembling and eyes welling again with tears. She handed him the revolver from the chapel. “There’s one bullet left. Go get him.” With that she slumped down against the wall and stared into nothing.
Nick assumed a military cover position outside Mada’s door. Everyone watched in amazement as the gentle man who once stayed out of the way prepared to put a bullet into his friend. Nick bounced slightly on his heels a couple times while taking a deep breath, and made as if about to spring around the corner and take the life of whatever might be in the room, if anything.
“I’m here, Nick,” said a voice. Nick froze. “Mada’s room. I’ve been listening. You have one shot. Are you calm enough to hit? Are you even cold enough to shoot? Has the weather really changed you so much? A little snow enough to turn a friend into a killer? I’ve been watching, Nick. You homeschooled little prick. Everyone thinks you’re smart. Everyone thinks you’re funny. Intellectual humor? Bah! I play with language barriers, Nick. What game do you play? Quips on social networking media? Distant observations on social trends? Observe me now, Nick!”
Two shots from Eliot’s machine gun blasted through the baseboards and into Nick’s left leg. Immediately Nick fell to the ground, the back of his head just above the new holes in the wall.
“It’s my turn for jokes! I’ve tricked you, Nick. Haven’t you seen my Classic Brian posts about my college classmates? I’m observant too. I observed you drop the car into reverse and hit my leg, wounding me just in time for a zombie outbreak. I observed you steal my idea to radio in help. I observed you abandon me for higher ground when the zombies reached the chapel. And I’m observing you come to terms with your final minute of life. How does the leg feel, Nick? Is it cold? Because it’s damn cold outside, and damn it if it isn’t going to be colder in hell!”
Brendan open fired. Nick rolled to the right behind the cinderblock walls and kicked the revolver in front of the open doorway by accident. A flat ray of sunlight peaked over the ruins of Champaign and slipped through Mada’s window into her room. Brendan peered back momentarily to see the sun one final time. At that moment, Mada sprang up from the wall, rolled across the revolver, and shot Brendan right out of the sky. Right in the back of the head.
Ten minutes passed without a word. Everyone silently hoped that if no one moved, nothing else could go wrong. No one else would perish. The dorm was somber and dead. Nothing stirred.
At long last, Robert stood up from his crouch. He peered around the hallway and touched Nick on the shoulder. He walked over and touched Mada as well. Robert was unused to emotions, and his comforting was awkward and really only helpful due to the direness of the situation.
“Feel better, please,” he said.
After allowing a moment for his request to sink in, Robert reinstated order.
“Alright, first we’re going to need some shirts. It’s really cold out and we don’t really need to impress anyone, because, Nick, we’re really the only choices Mada and Semas have at this point. And I really don’t have a preference because you’re both beautiful, ladies.” Robert winked.
Mada pulled shirts for her and Semas out of her closet, while Nick scoured the girl’s dorm for something large enough for him. In fulfilling his final wish, Mada found a shirt size women’s medium and slipped it over Eliot’s head and onto his body. It fit perfectly. She covered him with a sheet and knew with confidence that her time for mourning would come eventually.
Nick returned, dressed in large girls’ clothes and snow boots. Robert retook inventory: a machine gun, two knives, a broadsword, a chainsaw, an iPod taken from Brendan’s body, bite serum, a leash, and Brian’s Oakleys. Robert awarded Nick the Oakleys for finally becoming an important character, as well as in apology for shooting his left hand at the chapel. Semas held onto her mysteriously-acquired broadsword, Mada took the machine gun and a knife, Nick took the serum and the other knife, and Robert wielded the chainsaw and the iPod.
Nick went over to the body of Brian to see if there was anything he had carried besides the cool new Oakleys Nick was sporting.
“You know, I never could get into The Band,” Robert said, quietly judging Brendan through his iPod. “And what are all these Grateful Dead CDs? They’re a fucking jam band, all you need is one album and you’ve got their whole sound.”
“Oh crap.” Mada was neurotically rooting through the complicated math books on her bed. “I still have all this homework here I forgot to do. Fuck I need to do this.” She stopped, realizing the opportunity for a rebirth among the ruins. “No. Fuck this. No more homework. I’m done with old Mada.” Robert looked up from the iPod and smiled at her, remembering his own recent renewal. “I’m doing what I want now,” she said. “Starting after a quick nap. I’m really tired.”
“No sleeping. Sleeping is giving in,” said Robert citing indie music. “We need a game plan. Do we stay in Champaign? Is it safe enough here? Is it safe enough anywhere? How are we going to eat if we leave?” He barked his orders with authority, and the group started to come to attention. “We need water. We need ammunition and a sniper rifle for longer distance killing. We’re going to need warmer clothes than this; most of our jeans are ruined and we need coats. Most of all, we need a purpose. We all have a reason to stay alive, but we can’t live like this forever, so we need something to—”
“Uhm, Robert,” interrupted Nick. “I think I found something important.” Kneeling next to Brian, he handed Robert a folded, crinkled, worn scrap of paper.
Robert unfolded it slowly. The crinkling of the paper was the only audible noise. He began to read:
“Brian, this is my fault. I messed up. I caused this, and I can’t turn it off. It’s up to you now. I’m not a monster, though; that’s the worst part. I’m not. I just got carried away. They can be stopped, yes, I swear. Your answers lie in Norman. Go there. Save my face. If I could only take it back…. –Conor”
Robert looked at the others. “PS — In the morning when the sun comes up, you’ll know.”
Robert looked back out the window at the rising sun. For the first time, they had a reason to fight. Finally, a purpose. As Robert began folding the paper back up, a small red dot appeared in his matted, unwashed hair. A shot fired, and Robert slumped to the ground, dead.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
The Lost City, Pt. 1
At long last, they had arrived. The lost city of Lollapalooza. The two ragged travelers were the first to lay eyes upon it in centuries. Gazing down upon the vast ruins that sprawled throughout the valley for miles, they couldn't help but wonder; how had no one found this place before? There was, after all, carved boldly into the mountainside, a giant greeting. “Lollapalooza”, it said. This particular ancient civilization must have been extremely full of themselves. After carefully making a mental note to themselves to vandalize the monument on their way out, they began their descent into the valley.
The path down was treacherous, the way narrow and steep. The elf, however, with his long stride and natural agility, made it seem effortless, despite carrying an immense weight on his back. He was much stronger than his comrade and therefore carried most of their supplies in his pack. He did not resent his friend for this. It was simply a fact that elves are much stronger than dwarves, and he was content to smugly flaunt this superiority in character. He looked behind him to see that the dwarf had fallen behind again. He could hear, with his incredible elf senses, his shorter counterpart grumbling into his beard, as dwarves are wont to do.
“Make haste, Grywio, or do I need to carry you?”, the elf jested.
“Shut yer trap, Lathandros, 'fore I shut it fer ye,” snapped Grywio.
Lathandros smiled and turned his back once more to his unlikely companion. Their fellowship had been born of the strangest circumstances, and out of necessity, but the elf had grown rather fond of the grumpy bastard. But he could reminisce all he wanted later, he told himself. He must now concentrate on the task at hand. Returning his focus to the path that lay before his feet, he quickly took in his surroundings. They were almost to the bottom.
Even in ruin, the city was like nothing they had ever seen before. The path they had taken to get here was the only entrance. Completely surrounded by mountains on all sides, the civilization filled the entire valley. Even large parts of the mountainsides were covered in the structures of these ancient people. The Lollapaloozans had been a great and powerful race in their time. Their empire had stretched far beyond this secluded place, to be sure. They had conquered many civilizations and obtained massive wealth for themselves. That much could be derived from the history of the surrounding lands. But what, then, had befallen this mighty people? They seemed to have been completely erased from the face of the earth, save for these ruins. An uncharacteristic chill ran up Lathandros's spine. It was rare for him to feel fear, but he felt it now. Something wasn't right about this place...
“Hello masterzzz. We lovez you. We so glad to see you! GOLEM! GOLEM!”
“Oh fer the luv of the gods, Conor, you scared the bajeezus out of me!”
“We're sorry, masterzzz. GOLEM! GOLEM!”
“Lathandros, remind me why we let this good fer nuthin' thing keep following us?”
“Because I pity him. He is the foulest of creatures.”
“Can't we just kill him? He'll probably just try 'nd kill us in our sleep anywey.”
“...Alright. But be swift. We must press on.”
Grywio swiftly removes the disgusting creature's head from its neck and watches the body collapse to the ground.
“That's one already! HAHA! I'm winning!”
Wait til next week for Pt. 2
-Classic
Zombie Snowpocalypse Balboa
It was dusk as the crew rolled into Zombana, there clothes tattered and matted with blood. Not their blood of course. The blood of countless zombies that had been laid to waste for standing in their way. Brendan was shirtless; a bandana wrapped around his head. His face was covered in soot and ash from all the stuff he had blown up, just for fun. He carried a massive machine gun attached to a strap thrown over his shoulder to support what would otherwise be the unbearable weight of his instrument of death. Mada was also shirtless because her name spelled backwards is Adam and guys don't need shirts. Plus, she looked real good in that new bra she had bought from the Victoria's Secret across from the Babycrombie she worked at in the mall. That had been just two weeks ago, before all this chaos had been unleashed, but it seemed like another lifetime. Eliot skipped along next to her, desperately attempting to hold her hand without making it weird. He was wearing Birkenstocks and his Green Bay shorts, and, of course, no shirt.
It was freezing out, they all knew, but when you're in college you sometimes have to sacrifice comfort and logic in order to look your best. And these three were no exception to the rule. Eliot had even gone so far as to draw a 6-pack on his abdomen with Sharpie. Needless to say the lady zombies had been all over him since they had started their journey, and the guy zombies had all been trying to kill him out of what he deemed must be sheer jealous rage. What assholes.
"Well," said Brendan, finally breaking the silence. "We're here at last..." (Brendan had grown rather quiet and somber since being forced to kill the zombified Dolores O'Riordan along the way).
Eliot, ever the voice of reason, asked "So what do we now? I guess we should really have come up with a game plan before getting here..."
"Well, you guys are boring. I'm gonna go back to my room and watch a movie or something. See ya later, fellas," drawled Mada in an inexplicable southern twang.
The boys, after exchanging a look of confusion and utter defeat, scrambled to catch up with her. Even though she was walking, it took them like 5 minutes to finally reunite with her, due to her crazy and superhuman agility. "Woah, I didn't say you guys were allowed to join me, but whatever. My room is right around the corner," said Mada.
Several minutes later they were at the front door of the building. "AW SHIT. I forgot my keycard!" Mada exclaimed. But before she had even finished her sexy whining, Brendan had shock-and-awed the door off its hinges with one badass kick. After taking a moment to conceal how obviously impressed and turned on she was by this show of alphamaleism, the trio made their way inside and up to Mada's floor. About halfway down the hallway, though, Mada stopped short.
"What is it Mada? What's wrong?!?!" squeaked Eliot nervously.
"Oh nothing. But check this out. This fire alarm case is so fun to play with and when you push it this way -"
The plastic casing that had shielded the fire alarm from unintentionally deployment clattered to the ground, and as she scrambled to pick it up in hopes that nobody would notice her clumsiness (too late), she accidentally set off the fire alarm (how ironic).
"Ah...ah....ah..." stuttered Mada, terror etched on her face. The alarms were blaring. Surely every zombie in a mile radius would hear this... Brendan, quickly coming to the same realization, swept Mada up with one arm and grabbed the baffled Eliot by the scruff with the other, swiftly dragging them to the relative safety of Mada's conveniently unlocked room.
"I don't get it, guys! What's the big deal?" whined Eliot cluelessly.
After barricading the door, Brendan stood stoically in the center of the room, his gun aimed, ready to defend his friends with his life. Several minutes past, the tension palpable. And all the while, Eliot cowered in the corner, whilst Mada bounced on her bed and ran around the room restlessly. And then they heard it. The moaning of zombies. It was distant at first, but grew louder and louder as the horde grew nearer. The door started to shake, and then to splinter. A zombie hand burst through, and then another and another. Brendan opened fire.
The carnage was absolute. Zombie parts flew in all directions as the guerilla warrior unflinchingly mowed them down. Rank after rank of zombie fell, and it was starting to look like they may win this one after all. Brendan allowed himself a small, rare smile. But as if that had jinxed them, the sound of bullets thudding into the undead was suddenly replaced by a dull whirring and a click-click-click. He had run out of ammo...
Not knowing what to do now, Brendan began to panic. He threw down the gun that was now all but useless to him. His friends looked to their unspoken leader for advice, but he had none to give. He had failed them. His eyes filled with tears as he slumped against the far wall. This was it. There was nothing he could do.
Then all of a sudden, a noise rang out, and the zombies started to draw away from the door. Brendan couldn't put his finger on it at first. It sounded like...a chain saw! Someone else out there was alive and had come to their rescue! He dared to peek his head out of what remained of the doorway, and what he saw took his breath away/confused the shit out of him. There, in the hallway, an epic battle was being fought. There were four humans. One of them he instantly recognized as Classic Brian himself! In all of his shirtless glory, his ridiculously ripped abdomen was like a beacon of hope to the living. He wore jeans that were ripped and tattered and bright blue shoes that were inexplicably spotless and oh-so-cool looking. He was rocking the most badass pair of Oakley's ever to grace the earth. In his hands was a chain saw, just like Brendan had suspected, and Brian used it like it was an extension of his body. Countless zombies fell before him. Back to back with him fought the most beautiful creature Brendan had ever laid eyes on. She had gorgeous blonde hair and the prettiest face. She carried herself with such elegance and grace, even whilst cutting zombies to shreds with her broadsword. And in the corner, behind all the mayhem, Brendan could just make out who he assumed to be Nick, holding a leash which led to Robert's neck, who was obviously on all fours. Wait, what?!? Weren't they both supposed to be dead or zombified? And why the hell was Robert on a leash?! Over the screaming and the roar of the chain saw's blade, Brendan could swear he heard Nick critiquing Brian's form.
When the violence had ended, Brendan, Eliot, and Mada sheepishly emerged from the room.
"You got some splainin' to do, Brian!" Mada called out diplomatically.
The two saviors and their followers approached the timid trio with a swagger that could only be described as notoriously fly. Then all of a sudden, Mada squealed and nearly fainted, and Eliot let out a "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" They had realized who the mysterious and sexy warrior was. It was Semas Ailuj.
"Isn't she pretty, guys?" inquired Brian cooly between making out with her and yanking Robert's leash. "I found her on Green street. She took out the entire Pike pledge class. It was incredible. Now we're in love."
Mada glowered with envy whilst Eliot was torn between objecting to this latest development and comforting Mada with what he knew to be half-assed lies about how she was better than Semas Ailuj could ever be. He went with the latter, but was instantly shot down by Mada's untrusting rage.
"Ok, that's great," Brendan interjected. "Now please explain the whole Robert and Nick thing to me."
"Oh right. Well that's simple enough. When you guys left us to our meaningless sacrifice so that you could escape, we easily defeated the zombies and discovered Nick was very much alive and pretty pissed at us for ditching him. It turns out he can't die or be zombified because he's a mean robot. They aren't susceptible to either of those things. And as for Robert, he had obviously lost his mind to spite and gone psycho, but I didn't wanna kill him. He is my friend after all. So I just put him on this chain and brought him with. He's been really cooperative about it, strangely enough. I think it's because he knows I expected him not to be."
The group eyed Robert with some concern.
"Ok then...guess we should get goi-"
But before Eliot could finish that sentence, Robert had pulled out a knife and go-to-sleeped him for real, right in the neck, to death, just like he promised he would if he ever went psycho. Committed to the end. The group stood there, mouths agape, speechless.
-Classic
It was freezing out, they all knew, but when you're in college you sometimes have to sacrifice comfort and logic in order to look your best. And these three were no exception to the rule. Eliot had even gone so far as to draw a 6-pack on his abdomen with Sharpie. Needless to say the lady zombies had been all over him since they had started their journey, and the guy zombies had all been trying to kill him out of what he deemed must be sheer jealous rage. What assholes.
"Well," said Brendan, finally breaking the silence. "We're here at last..." (Brendan had grown rather quiet and somber since being forced to kill the zombified Dolores O'Riordan along the way).
Eliot, ever the voice of reason, asked "So what do we now? I guess we should really have come up with a game plan before getting here..."
"Well, you guys are boring. I'm gonna go back to my room and watch a movie or something. See ya later, fellas," drawled Mada in an inexplicable southern twang.
The boys, after exchanging a look of confusion and utter defeat, scrambled to catch up with her. Even though she was walking, it took them like 5 minutes to finally reunite with her, due to her crazy and superhuman agility. "Woah, I didn't say you guys were allowed to join me, but whatever. My room is right around the corner," said Mada.
Several minutes later they were at the front door of the building. "AW SHIT. I forgot my keycard!" Mada exclaimed. But before she had even finished her sexy whining, Brendan had shock-and-awed the door off its hinges with one badass kick. After taking a moment to conceal how obviously impressed and turned on she was by this show of alphamaleism, the trio made their way inside and up to Mada's floor. About halfway down the hallway, though, Mada stopped short.
"What is it Mada? What's wrong?!?!" squeaked Eliot nervously.
"Oh nothing. But check this out. This fire alarm case is so fun to play with and when you push it this way -"
The plastic casing that had shielded the fire alarm from unintentionally deployment clattered to the ground, and as she scrambled to pick it up in hopes that nobody would notice her clumsiness (too late), she accidentally set off the fire alarm (how ironic).
"Ah...ah....ah..." stuttered Mada, terror etched on her face. The alarms were blaring. Surely every zombie in a mile radius would hear this... Brendan, quickly coming to the same realization, swept Mada up with one arm and grabbed the baffled Eliot by the scruff with the other, swiftly dragging them to the relative safety of Mada's conveniently unlocked room.
"I don't get it, guys! What's the big deal?" whined Eliot cluelessly.
After barricading the door, Brendan stood stoically in the center of the room, his gun aimed, ready to defend his friends with his life. Several minutes past, the tension palpable. And all the while, Eliot cowered in the corner, whilst Mada bounced on her bed and ran around the room restlessly. And then they heard it. The moaning of zombies. It was distant at first, but grew louder and louder as the horde grew nearer. The door started to shake, and then to splinter. A zombie hand burst through, and then another and another. Brendan opened fire.
The carnage was absolute. Zombie parts flew in all directions as the guerilla warrior unflinchingly mowed them down. Rank after rank of zombie fell, and it was starting to look like they may win this one after all. Brendan allowed himself a small, rare smile. But as if that had jinxed them, the sound of bullets thudding into the undead was suddenly replaced by a dull whirring and a click-click-click. He had run out of ammo...
Not knowing what to do now, Brendan began to panic. He threw down the gun that was now all but useless to him. His friends looked to their unspoken leader for advice, but he had none to give. He had failed them. His eyes filled with tears as he slumped against the far wall. This was it. There was nothing he could do.
Then all of a sudden, a noise rang out, and the zombies started to draw away from the door. Brendan couldn't put his finger on it at first. It sounded like...a chain saw! Someone else out there was alive and had come to their rescue! He dared to peek his head out of what remained of the doorway, and what he saw took his breath away/confused the shit out of him. There, in the hallway, an epic battle was being fought. There were four humans. One of them he instantly recognized as Classic Brian himself! In all of his shirtless glory, his ridiculously ripped abdomen was like a beacon of hope to the living. He wore jeans that were ripped and tattered and bright blue shoes that were inexplicably spotless and oh-so-cool looking. He was rocking the most badass pair of Oakley's ever to grace the earth. In his hands was a chain saw, just like Brendan had suspected, and Brian used it like it was an extension of his body. Countless zombies fell before him. Back to back with him fought the most beautiful creature Brendan had ever laid eyes on. She had gorgeous blonde hair and the prettiest face. She carried herself with such elegance and grace, even whilst cutting zombies to shreds with her broadsword. And in the corner, behind all the mayhem, Brendan could just make out who he assumed to be Nick, holding a leash which led to Robert's neck, who was obviously on all fours. Wait, what?!? Weren't they both supposed to be dead or zombified? And why the hell was Robert on a leash?! Over the screaming and the roar of the chain saw's blade, Brendan could swear he heard Nick critiquing Brian's form.
When the violence had ended, Brendan, Eliot, and Mada sheepishly emerged from the room.
"You got some splainin' to do, Brian!" Mada called out diplomatically.
The two saviors and their followers approached the timid trio with a swagger that could only be described as notoriously fly. Then all of a sudden, Mada squealed and nearly fainted, and Eliot let out a "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" They had realized who the mysterious and sexy warrior was. It was Semas Ailuj.
"Isn't she pretty, guys?" inquired Brian cooly between making out with her and yanking Robert's leash. "I found her on Green street. She took out the entire Pike pledge class. It was incredible. Now we're in love."
Mada glowered with envy whilst Eliot was torn between objecting to this latest development and comforting Mada with what he knew to be half-assed lies about how she was better than Semas Ailuj could ever be. He went with the latter, but was instantly shot down by Mada's untrusting rage.
"Ok, that's great," Brendan interjected. "Now please explain the whole Robert and Nick thing to me."
"Oh right. Well that's simple enough. When you guys left us to our meaningless sacrifice so that you could escape, we easily defeated the zombies and discovered Nick was very much alive and pretty pissed at us for ditching him. It turns out he can't die or be zombified because he's a mean robot. They aren't susceptible to either of those things. And as for Robert, he had obviously lost his mind to spite and gone psycho, but I didn't wanna kill him. He is my friend after all. So I just put him on this chain and brought him with. He's been really cooperative about it, strangely enough. I think it's because he knows I expected him not to be."
The group eyed Robert with some concern.
"Ok then...guess we should get goi-"
But before Eliot could finish that sentence, Robert had pulled out a knife and go-to-sleeped him for real, right in the neck, to death, just like he promised he would if he ever went psycho. Committed to the end. The group stood there, mouths agape, speechless.
-Classic
Friday, February 4, 2011
Conor - Zombie Snowpocalypse Part IV: The Spiral Collapses
Robert turned his back to the rest of the pack, and stood upright. He seemed taller than normal. As Eliot and Mada started to dash away, Brian hesitated. He looked back at Robert, then at his two remaining friends. He could clearly hear the terrible shuffle of the zombie horde that was approaching their position. Somebody needed to stay. Robert put on sunglasses. Brian looked back at the other two. As they ran, Eliot fell over purposefully in a sad attempt to get more attention from Mada. Brian knew it was up to him. He caught Eliot's eye, and Eliot knew what was up. Eliot, being the only guy left at this point, was definitely fine with this.
Brian ran back to Robert and picked up a shotgun leaning on the west wall. He picked it up and dramatically cocked it. It became terribly obvious that both men were just playing a part. The pair had horribly overestimated the speed of the zombies and were left standing there in awkward silence. Brian searched for something to talk about, but Robert did not respond to his many attempts at conversation. It seemed that Robert was determined to just wear his aviators, point his guns, and stare at the doorway the zombies were about to come through.
Or at least they thought they were about to come through. Minutes passed, and the moaning of the zombies become slightly louder, but the whole situation was still pretty embarrassing.
"Yo, uh, Robert, do you think we should just head up there and join Mada and Eliot? I think... I think we're good on the whole zombie thing. We can even tell them we killed a bunch of them, but I don't really see any reason we shouldn't escape with them if-"
"It seems like you're giving up, Brian."
"No, it's just that it's pretty damn clear that-"
"It seems to me like you're giving up."
Brian opened and closed his mouth several times before recognizing there was no way to win. They could hear the helicopter land on the rooftop and leave. Brian sighed.
27 minutes later the zombie horde showed up and inexplicably numbered in the hundreds. This was Roberts element. This was what he was born to do. Brian couldn't understand it. The two pistols in his hands rang out with a the clarity of a bell, every shot louder and more deafening than the last. Every bullet buried itself in the forehead of a zombie, forever quieting his hunt for human flesh. Every gunshot lit up Robert's face dramatically. His beard that he had triumphantly started to grow since his girlfriend had died on the first day of the outbreak caught the light beautifully, but could not hide the crazy grin on his face. Robert started to laugh.
Brian looked back at the horde. It wasn't making any ground, really. There was only one small doorway in, and it was a pretty narrow hallway.
"Robert! Hey Robert!" Brian shouted.
"PRETTY BUSY KILLING ZOMBIES BRO."
"Yeah, yeah good work." Brian shouted back. "Hey I was just thinking that this is totally doable. As long as we just make sure that we alternate reloading so that one person is picking them off at all times, they shouldn't really even get all that close to us."
Robert laughed, and immediately started reloading whenever Brian was reloading out of spite. Brian didn't notice this for a while, and by the time the zombies were almost on top of them. The pair was forced to retreat up the staircase their more fortunate, more logical friends had used to escape to the roof. Brian found a couple of extremely heavy bookcases on the roof (?) that he used to block the door, but Robert, spitefully, set fire to them. Brian sighed. Brian started calling Mada and Eliot to see if they could get the helicopter to come back for them, but Robert stole and smashed Brian's phone, and then his own. Brian sighed.
The doors to the roof burst open and Brian whipped around, training his shotgun at the entry, and was surprised to see Nick standing there, looking worse for wear, but very much alive.
"Nick! We thought you were dead!" Brian shouted. For the first time since being left alone with Robert who seemed to be quickly developing sociopathic tendencies, Brian felt alive. He was filled with hope.
"What? No, I just had to abandon the room where I could broadcast everything because zombies came in. Or haven't you heard? There are zombies pretty much everywhere. I think it's due to the zombie outbreak."
"Yeah, well...."
"Sorry, honestly I'm just a little hurt you guys didn't even, like, check. Did you just turn around when you heard me shout once on the radio?"
"You screamed, several times, and then you didn't broadcast anymore."
"So yes is what you're saying. Yes, you didn't even bother to see if your friend Nick needed any help. I don't know if I mentioned all the zombies running around. It was just me and a bunch of zombies. It would've been cool if you guys had helped. Whatever. Have I missed the helicopter?"
"... Yeah, yeah it's gone. Mada and Eliot got on it, Brian and I stayed to buy them some time."
"That seems unnecessary."
"It was unnecessary."
"Well I'll just try calling them real quick." Nick said while getting his cell phone out of his pocket. "In hindsight I might be slightly to blame for you guys not coming to get me. I should have texted you guys that I was alive."
Before Nick could make the call, Robert shot Nick's hand and then shot the dropped cell phone. Robert laughed. Brian sighed. Nick bled.
There was more awkward silence as they just stood around for a while. Zombie moans could be heard as the horde clumsily tried to climb the stairs up to the rooftop, but it was obvious they wouldn't make it all the way up for an hour or so at least.
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